DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2004
DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE!!
4
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 3:56pm
I am not even going in to the horrible stressful weekend I had, it would take an hour to type it all. Needless to say though ds was not having a good one and so neither did I. I have searched high and low trying to find some useful strategies for coping with my ds (AS) and I am not having any luck.I really need help here guys we have psych appt. next month but I can't wait that long. I am depressed and angry and frustrated and scared too. I really don't think I am cut out to be a parent. I had a whole long argument/confrontation with dh last night b/c of ds and ss. He is not "buying into" the dx and is soo not interested in helping me sort through the ten zillion tons of info out there to find anything useful and I just can't do it by myself. I feel like I am standing at the edge of a cliff and just the slightest little breeze is going to blow me off the edge. Apparently it annoys dh that I can't deal with this on my own, supposedly it is my job to be the mom and all that entails, alone. I don't know how to calm the meltdowns, I don't know how to motivate him to get dressed in the morning w/o a whole lot of screaming and stomping of feet, I don't know how to say no to anything b/c once he gets a plan in his head about something he's going to do or get me to do it's set in stone and if you say no or it rains or whatever it's meltdown city.I don't know how to make people understand him, or to make him understand people. My heart is breaking, I love this little boy with every fiber of my being and all I want is to help him, and for him to be happy and I don't know how.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2004
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 7:46pm

It sounds like you are just about ready to burn out, Hon. Take a deep breath and prioritize. Your note suggests that you need help figuring out parenting strategies that work and destressing for yourself. I would suggest a therapist for DS to help you work on parenting strategies. Also, look into getting a therapist for yourself. Many of the women on this board are taking antidepressants and seeing therapists to help cope with their difficult kids. DH's are often usupportive and in denial at first. If you get an appointment with a child psychiatrist/psychologist for your DS, you should definately try to bring DH along, so he can hear the diagnosis from a professional. Almost any professional will tell your DH how important it is for Dad's to be involved with these kids too.

Good luck to you.

Suzi

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2004
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 2:45pm

I have not been doing this long enough to burn out yet, or so I would think. Ds has only been diagnosed for a month or so. Like I probably said before though it's just so overwhelming the amount of info out there. Dh and I had this long "discussion" Sunday night about all of this and I was telling him he was discounting my feelings, and not just about this but other stuff too, he seems to think he knows best always, even though I am a grown woman and do a pretty good job of handling things for myself. Go figure. Anyway so he says that he would go to therapy with me ( and our kids) if he had too but he basically thinks it's all a bunch of crap, so he won't be there in spirit. I told him all the therapy in the world won't help if you don't believe it will. So he says "oh so now your going to make me go and force me to believe in it" Hard headed man!!! He also said that he will continue to parent the only way he knows how, to which I said the yelling and threatening and spanking etc.. just is not going to work with ds, he's not intentionally being obstinate, he just has a very rigid way of thinking and can't stop doing something once he's started, until he's finished with it. Ya know he has these ideas of how things are going to or are supposed to be, and when things don't happen the way he thinks they will he loses it. Now from everything I've read this is all perfectly normal for an AS kid, but learning to cope with it is really hard. Dh telling me that since his tried and true methods don't or won't work then I am going to have to handle it myself really just adds to my stress level.

It really doesn't help me any that I am already by nature a very high strung person anyway. So adding to my long list of worries and stress factors just is not good for me or anybody else. I just wish he could understand, and not react to my being upset and stressed out by yelling at ds, it's really not his fault that I can't cope.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 4:30pm
I resort to the sex analogy when it comes to men now. They seem to be able to understand better if you use something they can relate to. Explain to him that your son can't control his rigid way of thinking anymore than your husband can control thinking about sex. Or maybe you can use a sports analogy. You really just have to go to their level or they just won't get it. Not to belittle or demean them but they think in much simpler terms than women(generalizition ofcourse). Just my 2 cents. Vicky
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 1:04pm

Hi – I am de-lurking (DD has some fairly clear speech delays but is still being evaluated to see if she is on the autism spectrum – based on the diagnostic stuff it looks to me like mild pdd, but I’m no psychologist so I will let them do their job….) but I have a question that you should maybe relay to your DH – “What is he going to do if something happens to you – say you get hit by a truck - (of course not wishing you any ill-will!!!) HE won’t have you to dump off all the parenting responsibility and fortunately – there aren’t ‘homes’ where he can escape his parental responsibility. He will have to adjust. That said – he doesn’t have to LIKE it, but he has to DO IT, and he has to learn to cope, and if that means coming to counseling etc… then come as you are, BUT he is only going to hurt his child….. I don’t mean physically of course, but NO child blossoms when they are screamed at etc…. some manage to survive, but they don’t bloom…..

Hugs to you and good luck

ml