Sad news...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Sad news...
7
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 6:55am
My dear friend and neighbor has suffered and awful tradgedy that has made us all sad beyond belief. Her 8 year old son was born with hydrocephalus and nearly died at birth from brain damage but they inserted a shunt to drain fluid away from his brain and his young brain restored itself and he attended 2nd grade at my kids school. Thursday morning his shunt malfunctioned and he had numerous seizures. They replaced his shunt but he didn't wake that day and later suffered an apparent stroke and subsequent brain damage.
Initially, after the stroke, they told them he had no chance but have since said there is a small window that he will emerge from this deep coma but they cannot say what his condition will be should that happen. My son, who has AS, had just been at this little guys house the day before playing but had to leave because his friend started getting headaches. The two of them have so much in common as the hydrocephalus left him with a non-verbal learning disability which Chase also has. I have never felt such empathy in my life. Please pray for this little boy. He has already overcome great odds in his life and we are believing he can do it again. His mom has moved out of grief mode and into battle mode and is ready to fight for her kid.
I do have a question. Do you think it would be appropriate, should ds friend not make it, to allow Chase to attend the funeral? I'm worried he might really freak out. Thanks for listening and for any prayers that you have time to say. Thanks, Vicky
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2005
In reply to: cvcissell
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 7:22am

Oh, Vicky, my thoughts and prayers are with this family and yours. One of Eric's best friends is a little girl with Down's whom he goes to therapy with, so I understand how these bonds develop between our little ones and our families. I have tears in my eyes reading your post.

I hope it does not come to attending a funeral and I don't have an answer to that one. If it were Eric, he really does not understand the concept of death at all yet. And he does not do well in church settings. I think he would "freak out" too. It would be a really hard call whether to go or not. For him, it would also take a lot of prepraration ahead of time, talking about it, picture strips etc. I guess it would depend what kind of ceremony it would be too. It's really complicated, isn't it?

If it does come to that, I guess I would discuss it with Chase's therapists and maybe a clergical type person to get advice.

I am praying for you all.

Love and Hugs,

Katherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
In reply to: cvcissell
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 7:35am

My prayers are with them.

Samantha

Samantha
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cvcissell
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 7:59am
I will keep your neighbors child in my thoughts and prayers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: cvcissell
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 9:24am
Lots and lots of prayers!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cvcissell
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 9:55am

Vicky,

My thoughts and prayers are with the boy, your neighbor, you and your son. I truly hope he pulls through. Please keep us updated.

As to the funeral, that is a tough decision. I probably would find some way for your son to say goodbye since they were friends, he will need that. The only experience we had was with an elderly great aunt a few years back. Mike was probably about 5 at the time and it was very traumatic for him. I probably wouldn't do that for a relative again to him, but a friend I probably would. Either way it will be traumatic and he may need to see him go and say goodbye to really understand.

Death is a natural part of life but never easy to deal with. Particularly not easy for a child and REALLY not easy for a child with challenges. I was not a child with challenges, but my dad passed away when I was young (13). I still remember it was really hard to comprehend even at my age. I needed to see the funeral to be sure he was gone. I kept thinking they were wrong and he was coming back maybe just maybe.

Your his mom, you will make the best decision on it and how to help Chase deal with it. As it is you have to help Chase deal with this already tragedy. Despite whether or not the boy makes it, he is not going to be the same for quite a while. Who knows, there may be a miracle and hopefully there will be. But I would guess that likely if his friend does make it he is going to be different than the friend he knew for a while.

God Bless.

Renee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cvcissell
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 10:56am

sending lots of prayers! I think it's appropriate for him to attend the funeral. I'd make sure to use a social story several days in advance and continue using and repeating until the funeral. I'd also make sure to sit in the back and make sure you can make an escape if necessary. You might also enlist your pastor/priest/religious leader in explaining death to your son, esp if this is a person your son is already aquainted w/.

my heart goes out to your and your family and your friends as well!

Betsy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
In reply to: cvcissell
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 11:05am

Dear Vicky,

How very, very sad. My heart goes out to all of you. I remember my younger brother losing his best friend to a terrible accident when he was quite young, and he suffered for a long time. Loss is so hard and also confusing to anyone.

Obviously, I first hope for a miracle and that he will pull through! And also, I pray for the comfort and assistance needed for that family in such a difficult time.

But you ask about the funeral if his friend dies, and I am wondering if there might not be a middle ground, a careful way to help him say goodbye to a friend, but not to put him through the torment of being in public and sitting through a church service, etc. Perhaps a chance to view his friend and say goodbye when there are not lots of people around, create your own private ritual with photos, a picnic, something quiet and honoring the friendship, but not requiring your child to participate in more traditional ritual that will very likely be too much for him?

Funerals can be difficult for everyone, and many NT people choose not to go. But maybe closure can be addressed another way.

Just my thoughts. Because that's what I would choose for my son if it were me.

Peace be with you and your Chase.

yours,

Sara
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