I screwed up...(long)
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| Wed, 05-18-2005 - 10:48am |
...and now I don't know what to do plus I'm depressed again.
Here's what happened. I usually go to the gym in the am when DS is in preschool. Our gym has complimentary child care for 2 hrs. while you work out. I tried this when DS was small, it was torture for him, so I just worked out when someone else could care for him.
Recently the gym remodeled and put the childcare room next to the area where the machines are. The child care room has windows/walls so the kids and moms can see each other. They also have started opening up the childcare on 2 Friday nights a month as regular babysitting so parents can go out. I thought great! Free babysitting and DH and I can get out at least 2x a month. Our state does not have "respite" opportunities, at least that I know about. The Friday night deal is billed as a "Pajama Party" for the kids, structured activities, popcorn etc. It's only a few hours, but hey, better than nothing.
So I thought I'd switch my workout time a few days a week and bring DS with me so he could get used to the idea. We talked about the gym, what it would be like. We drove by the gym. He seemed kind of excited about it.
Yesterday I thought I'd try bringing him. All seemed well for the first 10 minutes. We walked through the cardio area, I showed him where I would be. Unfortunately there were only 2 little girls there. Usually the place has 10-12 kids. The 2 teenage sitters were not what I would call skilled or even attentive. I pulled out the toys in the room that I thought Eric would like and told him I'd be back in 30 minutes. I showed him the clock and he usually understands this concept. He seemed okay. The worst I thought could happen is that he would be bored.
I got on the machines not right next to the window but a couple of rows over so I could see him and he could see me if he really looked. At first he just played alone with his toy. Then he walked over to the two girls and tried to interact with them. I guess it didn't work. Then he went back to his toy. Then he stood against with window and saw me. I waved. Big mistake. He freaked. Started banging on the window with his head then running around the room in circles. I tried not to look, hoping he'd calm down and the sitters could distract him. Within 5 min. the sitters had paged me to come get him and told me to take Eric home. They said he was screaming "momma, daddy, momma, daddy" and that he tried to pull the fire alarm. They said they couldn't control him and that he was scaring the other 2 girls (I don't believe the last part, I do believe these teen sitters were clueless). But the girls said they were sorry and to come back another day.
Sigh. He hasn't done anything like this for a long time. I got my stuff and when I got to him he was sobbing inconsolably, unusual for him. He seemed exhausted. He was talking echolalic nonsense about Thomas trains, pacing in circles, and crying. Total autistic stuff. So, my workout lasted 15 mins. today and I felt really guilty.
Once in the car, he told me he was crying b/c he wanted to be on the "big black exercise machines w/ momma." I guess I jumped in too fast. I had hoped DH and I could go out this Friday, but forget that. I just thought he's used to preschool, he could do this, and I only intended to leave him there today for 30 mins., for crying out loud! If there had been a few more kids there, hopefully one who would "take the lead" and Eric would follow, it might have been better. Eric just does not know what to do on his own. If these two sitters had tried to play at all, he might have been ok. But they were just like hall monitors, I guess I should have given them some tips.
So I don't know if I should just give up, or try again few days in row and hope in a month or so DH and I can do the Friday night thing? Any thoughts or suggestions?
I guess I screwed up by not going a few times just so he could check it out without having to stay there. But it's too late now! I just feel like I did so much damage yesterday and today when I dropped him off at preschool, total separation anxiety. And that has not happened for a long time.
I feel so horrible for Eric, DH, and me.
Katherine

Oh, Katherine, I feel so badly for all of you.
I know it's disappointing and frustrating and sad, but all is not lost.
-- Maybe he could try it gradually? Just a walk-through?
-- Could he bring a special snack or activity?
-- Can you ask about what time it's really filled with kids?
-- Do you know anyone w/ kids who goes to your gym (hopefully Eric would know the kid)?
-- Could you TAKE a playdate with you for Eric?
Good for you for keeping up with working-out! I'm sure it makes you feel better in mind and body.
Take care,
Cathy
Katherine,
I just wanted to let you know that I've been in similiar situations. Nathan is very unpredictable, so I can't always "predict" how he will respond. I usually have a 50/50 shot that it will work out ok!! It has gotten better now that he's getting older. But I find myself explaining everything in detail to him, over and over again. And I'm constantly watching him, to make sure he's ok. I can always tell, just by looking at him, how things are going for him.
I wouldn't give up though. What I usually do, is wait a bit, not too long. And then take him back, but do things slower, and explain more. Nathan needs constant reassurance too, so I have to make sure that he "feels" safe and secure. And if he still doesn't feel comfortable....then wait again, and try again later. Nathan keeps alot of his thoughts and emotions to himself, so alot of times it's really just a gamble. I'm learning how to "read" him, and encouraging him to SPEAK to me....so that helps....sometimes.
Best of luck,
Michelle
Hi, Katherine,
I went through this with my son when we were all younger. I was dropping my (then) 3 year old at gym daycare while I was teaching class in next room, and the problem was he could HEAR me on the microphone. Long amusing stories about the many maneuvers my son used to try to get out of babysitting room and into classroom (many of them successful, my class was often treated to beaming son running into room with babysitters in hot pursuit!), but we took lots of time getting him used to babysitting room and he was there almost every day as well. The regularity helped, also I made good friends with the babysitters. That helped lots.
Is there anywhere in gym you can exercise where he CAN't see you? I think this would help actually. The fact that he is seeing you may not help, I think, until he is very comfortable with the place! You are the love of his life, if he sees you he will want to be with you!
This is new to him, a drop-off babysit, right? He will need time to adjust, but it can be done with time and care. You might not make this Friday with DH, but how about next week or the week after? Don't give up, this can really work!
I would start with short times and build his tolerance up. I would go back to that daycare right away (back on the horse!) and bring him back to playroom, stay and play with him awhile, run out for 5 minutes (tell him your going for a snack, for example, or the bathroom), then come back and play again. Next time, longer. He needs to "own" the space, and know that you will always come back. This needs to be special, and eventually he should feel lucky to get to go there. Bring a few special toys from home to help him comfort level, set a timer that will ring when you will be back (and BE back then or even a few seconds earlier...) Also, I would spend a little more time getting to know the teen babysitters and helping them engage more and to get to know your child. All of you play with him together.
This can definitely work, just not as simply as it sometimes does for NT kids. Although, as I remember, many of them have trouble adjusting to this scenario, too. How does he do with babysitters at home? That is in his turf, so easier. You just have to put in the time to make this new center his turf as well.
My son (now almost 8) still has a few close friends from that gym daycare center, plus we are still close with the babysitters!
Good luck, hang in there. Sweat and dates are in your future!!!
yours,
Sara
ilovemalcolm
I totally agree w/ Sara! all is not lost! Take him back soon and help him get used to the idea. Bring him and let him play for a few min. next time take him and have him play and leave him alone for a min. ALWAYS reassure him that Mommy always comes back and that he's going to have a good time. Talk to him about how much fun the babysitting area is, and if necessary make sure that they have one or two toys that he loves (you can always bring in your own).
you'll be having workout time and dates before you know it!!
Betsy
Sending hugs your way. I understand--been in a very similar situation. Don't feel bad. Good for you for trying to do something for yourself. It's easy to just feel defeated and stay home all the time, which isn't good for anyone.
I say go back there and do it again. I think he'll be upset the first few times, but then he'll get used to it. You just have to get through the first few tough times. He'll learn that he will survive the situation just fine.
I would also complain to the management about the sitters' lack of skills!
That is really wonderful that the childcare room and the workout room are next to each other and you're able to see each other! I think you & your son will enjoy it once he gets used to the place.
Hi eveybody,
I just wanted to say thank you for all the advice and kind words. You all did make me feel better. I am trying a combination of everything you all said. Here's a little update.
I went back to the gym with DS yesterday. I brought snacks and juice. Earlier in the day he and I went shopping together for his choice of a special toy to bring to the "kid's club" as they call it. The gym also has a pool and although we usually go the pool in our subdivision, I told him after the "kid's club" we could go to the "special" pool at the gym. He loves swimming so I thought that a good reward and a way to make another positive association with the gym experience.
So we got to the gym. Fortunately on the walk in there were two other little ones, about the same age as Eric also going to the "kid's club." Mom said they were "regulars" and Eric seemed to like walking in with them. If they are there every week, that will be good. One of the sitters was the same as the other day so she remembered us. I told her my plan. She seemed sympathetic but of course she's young. I set Eric up at a table with snacks and new toy (Thomas-related, of course!). I got out the visual timer and told him I'd be back "when the red is gone" and set it for 10 min.
We played a little, the two kids we walked in with came over, little boy being a Thomas connoisseur too. It seemed ok so I left and headed for a machine away from the window.
After 10 min. I checked back. Eric was in the corner alone and the kids were playing with his new toys. Sitter said she tried to bring Eric back over to the table but gave up when he told her to "go away". Eric came running over to me and said he was "worried" but at least he wasn't crying or anything. I showed him the timer again and reassured him that I had come back when I said I would. Then started another game of Thomas pretend with the new little friends, who really are sweet kids, it seems to me--brother and sister.
I set the timer again for 10 min. Pretty much the same thing happened. I can see this will take awhile. But we'll keep trying. We went to the pool afterwards and had a great time.
I can only go with him 2 days a week due to his therapy schedule, but maybe DH and I will go once over the weekend, do the same thing, then go to the pool together.
It's clear he's not ready for the Friday night PJ party today, but maybe next month. That will give him another 2 weeks of this routine and we'll see how he's doing for the June 3 pj party. We're already "chatting up" the pj party and I bought him some new Thomas pj's to wear to it.
Thanks again for the great advice.
Katherine