Compassion skills in AS 7 yo
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| Fri, 05-27-2005 - 9:02pm |
It's not really a question, I suppose. It's more of a "anyone relate?" kind of thing.
My 7 year old ds did something today that made me feel sad. I know one of the things about Asperger's is that people with AS often have trouble with empathy, but I sometimes forget about that because DS is always pretending that his make-believe people are needing to be comforted somehow. He also sometimes gives his brother his "lovey" when his brother is crying. Here's what happened today, though:
We were walking out of the doctor's office. We got into the car, and I noticed a man (70-something) with a walker, sitting on at the bottom of the stairs, then trying to get up a step and looking worried. I watched him for a bit, and it looked like he was trying to get up the stairs and couldn't. I told David that I wanted to just go ask the guy if he needs help, and that we might need to go into the building to get someone to help. David INSISTED that I not help the guy. He was really upset that I wanted to go talk to the guy and offer help. Eventually he said "okay" (as if he's in charge; that's my boy). We got out of the car and I talked to the man. He said thanks, but his wife was coming to get him. When we got back in the car, David said, angrily, "See!? That was the biggest waste of a minute EVER!" I couldn't get him to grasp the concept that I had offered help because it's the right thing to do, and that offering to help someone in need is never a waste of time. If I had just done nothing, I'd be wondering all day if the poor guy ever got up the stairs. David just didn't get it.
While I was worrying about that, though, I realized that he had also done something super nice and thoughtful. He was offered stickers at the doctor's office, and they didn't have any he liked. They did have dump truck stickers, though, which his little brother loves. He got a dump truck sticker to bring home for Nathan...EVEN THOUGH he doesn't care for dump trucks himself. The more I think of it, the more I realize that that was a really big thing for him to do. I think the difference is that in the first case, it was a total stranger, and in the second case (which occurred first) it was for a loved-one.
It just seemed weird that he'd get so MAD that I wanted to help someone. He insists that it made him mad because he just wanted to hurry up and get home. I don't know.
Evelyn
David 7, Nathan 3.5

Dear Evelyn,
Malcolm also would get upset in a situation like that. Part of it for him is exactly what your son said -- he wants to get somewhere, and my interruption is uncalled for. I actually think that getting from place to place is very demanding on Malcolm's senses, and unexpected events that delay and distract his focus on getting there can really throw him. So, I'm thinking your son got upset about his need for order being interrupted and his desire to arrive without too much overloading, and that doesn't have anything to do with the man you were looking at and observing and wanted to help. He may have just been so focused on his own needs that he couldn't take the old man in?
I also know that people Malcolm doesn't know are difficult for him. He won't just talk to strangers unless HE is interested for some reason, and when walking down the street, he gets upset when we run into someone I know but he doesn't. He doesn't want to be introduced, and really doesn't want me to stop and talk. This happens often. If I see the person enough in advance to let Malcolm know and maybe find a way to interest him in the person, a connection Malcolm understands and can relate to, then we can sometimes have a social moment or 2 under these circumstances. Often, I just pollitely greet the person, throw a quick introduction Malcolm's way and then make our friendly excuses as being in a hurry. Then all is well, and that's just easiest at this point.
Just my ruminations on what you described. Malcolm can and does observe people in distress on his own and offer help. I've seen him do this. Our children deal with a different sensory world, and where they are comfortable and connected, they have LOTS of empathy! JMHO
yours,
Sara
ilovemalcolm
Evelyn,
I thnik you are onto something regarding the stranger/family thing. Our kids often learn or gain skills, but have trouble transferring them from one person or situation to another. Therefore he can show thoughtfulness to his brother, who he knows well. But a strange old man on the steps is a different matter entirely! Also it probably meant breaking a routine, which I know from my own kids, is about the most difficult thing I can ask them to do!
I guess you can chalk it up as a success that he "relented" and keep tryign to generalise those compassion and tolerance skills over time. One thing I try to do with Peter is have raise the situation with him at night when we have our bedtime "talk", and he is in a safe place and comfort zone. Often he will tell me what he was thinking or feeling at the time, (he can't usually tell me *at* the time -he needs time to process his feelings). I let him know my feelings, and I try to get him to place himself in another's shoes. We will usually come up with a plan on how to do things differently the next time a similar situation arises. I don't know if this will work for you, but we have had success with it.
Good luck.
-Paula
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
Evelyn,
Nathan doesn't like his schedule interrupted either. He probably wouldn't have wanted me to help someone, if it meant that he had to "wait". Nathan does show compassion and concern for strangers, but usually he's in his "own world". If his mind is on something else, like going somewhere important, or if he's obsessing about something in his head, he wouldn't stop to notice anyone.
If Nathan does notice that someone needs help or is sad....he obsesses about it. I went to get my hair trimmed a couple weeks ago, and there was a little 1 1/2yr old running all around the salon. Nathan wouldn't leave until he knew that the little boy was ok. He had a lollipop, was getting messy, and kept wandering away from his dad. Nathan was worried that he was getting too sticky and that his dad wasn't watching him (afraid that the boy would get lost). He also gets worried for little kids if he sees them crying or they get in trouble by their parents!! So I sometimes have the opposite problem!! LOL
Michelle