bullying advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2002
bullying advice?
3
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 9:51am

I could use some advice on how to handle this properly. It has come to my attention today that my DD who has asperger's has been working intently with the school to stop teasing a boy in her classroom. Apparently she does this relentlessly and is very hurtful at times. She shows no remorse for this, and does not seem to think it is a bad thing, however, she does not like when other kids tease her. She will call him names, make fun of his clothing, etc. It seems that she has picked out and targeted this child.

Has anyone used a method to curb this behavior and teach appropriate social skills. I am aware that in 7th grade making fun of other kids is "normal" however, this seems to be targeted at just this boy and she does it in front of teachers and other staff. I do not want her to grow up thinking this is O.K. And for lack of a better term, I don't want her to soon write a check that her little butt can't cash, if you know what I mean.

*~*Pamela*~*

Pj: 31 Healthy  Kris: 38, Wonderful husband, Vasectomy at 23, Failed reversal x1

IVF#1: ER: 05/11/10  ET: 05/14/10  HPT+ 05/24/
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 4:54pm

Hi Pamela,

Welcome. That is a tough one, but I understand. My Cait sometimes will do those things and I could see it happening. She will say hurtful things but she hasn't picked anyone in particular yet other than her brother. Not that they mean to be meanspirited, but I bet there is a bunch of things going on.

First, like you said it is 7th grade and some of that is normal. Likely she has seen others doing it and so thinks this is the socially appropriate thing to do. Only they don't realize when to stop, when it is no longer funny or appropriate. They don't have that "off" switch that NT kids have.

Another thought is that perhaps it is a defense mechanism of some sort? Has she been teased or feel as though she will be teased. When Cait has been getting teased at school she gets down right nasty. I think trying to get them back or stay on top of it. I don't know but I know it happens. This sweet little girl can become very difficult and not fun for kids. She doesn't realize what she is doing makes things worse. She will do it in front of teachers to. Again no off switch.

People say that AS kids need to be around typicals to learn social skills. The problem is 1) they don't learn appropriate social skills by osmosis, it has to be taught and 2) the kids they end up with often aren't exactly the best social role models. And because our kids don't understand these behaviors and social skills they are often the ones that get caught and in big trouble and don't understand the graveness of the behavior.

What to do? Well we have put Cait in therapy with a behavior therapist who specializes in ASD and she goes with another AS girl and this is one of the things they work on in therapy. What is appropriate and what isn't. Another thing would be a social/pragmatic skills group specifically for AS kids. Many school districts have them. If not there are often groups available through insurance companies. And last, I would likely have the school write some social stories and a positive behavior intervention plan for this particular behavior. She needs to be taught in a very concrete way what is appropriate, what isn't, what she can do and how to handle frustration.

Welcome. Would love for you to stick around. Those of us with older girls are a rarity. Maryann comes around occasionally and she has a middle school dd. There are a couple younger girls, but pretty much this is a boy heavy type thing.

Renee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 06-11-2005 - 10:55pm
Hi, my 12 yr. old dd is also an Aspie & in 7th gr. I read your bio(cause I haven't seen you here before) & saw where your also an R.N. I would talk to your dd & explain to her why this is hurtful & ask her why she picks on this particular boy. I tell my dd what goes around--comes around & maybe next time it will be you getting picked on. Find out what this boy has ever done to her & what her motivation is in teasing or bullying him. My dd has experienced some mean girl problems w/ her circle of friends @ the end of this school yr. I tell her to ignore them & try to befriend some other girls but it is sooo hard for her. Does your dd's friends pick on this boy also? My dd has this "boyfriend" since 5th gr. who is kind of a nerd. Other kids make fun of him & my dd takes alot of teasing about him but she has a big heart & sticks up for this boy & they still are good friends. Good luck w/ your dd. Take Care~ Mary Ann BTW I am a GI nurse & work in an outpatient endoscopy center. What area are you in?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2002
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 4:47pm

Hello hello and thank you for your replies. We are working with our DD and her school to eliminate this behavior. I find that she does not have a truly close circle of friends, but is starting to think that she would like to be more like "the populars". However, she really still is young for her age, lacking the drive to wake up and do her hair, makeup and make sure he clothes match, so she's not quite there yet. She is also very obssessed with a few things, which I think makes it difficult as there are not a lot of other kids in her age group that are even thinking about these things.

We have discussed this issue with her, and I think she can maintain herself for the rest of the school year. We will have to work harder this summer on this. Any tips from those of you with teens on how we may be able to introduce a behavioral specialist, doctor, or some other professional without a revolt? Anything we have done like this is seem by DD as an assault on her. We do not wish to drive a wedge between us, but as I have said before, our time to help her formulate herself into who she will be is running low, and we wish to give her all of the tools necessary.

I have been on this board before as well, however, my other name is PBNJ....I lost the password for this name at one point and have now recalled it, but can't remember the other. Anyone have a cure for a brain that has reached max capacity?

Nice to have other RN's around, with similar lives too :) I work as a staff nurse on pedicatrics and NICU at our local hospital. I also work per-diem in the summer at the Veterans Home.

*~*Pamela*~*

Pj: 31 Healthy  Kris: 38, Wonderful husband, Vasectomy at 23, Failed reversal x1

IVF#1: ER: 05/11/10  ET: 05/14/10  HPT+ 05/24/