Bad, awful no good day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Bad, awful no good day.
1
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 2:29pm

Today has totelly sucked. Let me start this off by saying. I know that Mayas therapists are wonderful and, they are the right ones for her. I am just probably hormonal(you know pregnancy) and stressed way out. The lack of sleep is also probably adding to all of the drama so, here it goes............

Maya had speechand OT today. The speech therapist has decided that she should take Maya the first half of the time and, I should come in onthe second half.Maya screams and cries the first five minutes or so.(BTW Maya never even notices when I leave any other time just in therapy so of course I want to grab her and hug her because she is at least acknowledging my existence. I was ok with it not happy but ok with Libby(her St) having alone time with her.

Then, after speech Libby walked with us over to the OT (KIM who I feel really comfortable with). And told her" Maya did really well today untill mom came in and then she just shut off" Well, needless to say it really bothered me.

THen after that she said we are going to do the same thing in OT as we are in ST WTF????????? Didn't Kim just tell me on Monday that she really appreciates the way I stay out of the way but still help her.But, I kept my mouth shut and said OK

Then, when OT was over Kim asked me if I ws OK with it all. I said no. I said I watch what they do and, then, bring it home. I also told her that It really bothered me that Libby suggested that i was the problem (EVEN though let me tell you now that I am not emotional about it I really don't think she did). I was crying and, Kim reassured me that I was doing fine and, Maya was doing great and, that we could work it all out.

I feel like an emotional basket case. Then my mother talked to me and she told me that I probably(and she thinks it is crazy)blame mysself so, what Libby said just fed into my fears.She was right and, mayby I am the only mother who ever wanted to blame themselves for it (BTW I refuse to put Emmabelle in a swing because I put Maya in one when she was a baby).Just little things. I can't help but think I have some blame in it.

Anyways, didn't mean to bum anyone out just, wanted to share.

Wendy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 2:48pm

Oh Honey big (((HUGS))))

First, you are not the first mom to blame yourself. Heck I think we all do at some point or another. I know there are times when I do. I know I am not to blame because of the kids neurological make up but there are always things that seep in making me think some of it is my fault. If only I was a better mom. If only I got intervention earlier, if only I didn't give them shots, if only, if only, if only. It is hard not to, all parents second guess themselves, but it isn't your fault! It isn't the swing.

Heck, I know a mom with kids like mine who are totally mainstreamed, no aides, doing wonderful and behave well. I feel like crap everytime I get together with her thinking she must be the better parent of autistics than me. I found out not long ago she thought the same thing of me.

Then sometimes a therapist, a friend, a stranger, or someone will make a comment that we are very sensitive too. That is always very hard. The way the therapist put it, well I have heard many therapists make comments like that and it is insensitive. She definitely could have phrased it better. Often our kids don't do as well when mom is in the room. Mom is safe and comfortable. It happened to me as a therapist and it happened to me as a mom.

Earlier this year I was asked not to come near Mike's class during the day because it would cause behavior problems. He absolutely could not see me once the day began and I couldn't volunteer. But his teacher was able to phrase it in a way that didn't make me feel horrible. Plus I have been around the block for a bit so I understood. But I will tell you it still killed me. In the back of my mind, what was I doing wrong. When in reality, he was stressed at school (though they were working on it and doing everything) and if he saw me he would get instantly angst and have to be with me. It would set him off everytime.

Sending more big hugs and some wine.

Renee

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