Feeling so sad right now

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Feeling so sad right now
10
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 8:40pm
Some of you have read my previous posts about my 9 month old DS. (FOr those of you who haven't---I am a spec. ed teacher and see signs of something in my child. He has been evaluated by a team of professionals including 2 developmental pediatricians, OT, and SLP. At 6 months they said he was 1 month behind in gross motor everything else was fine and that he might have some processing issues, at 8 months they thought he might be languaged delayed. And we go back this week for them to tell me something else ANYHOW...) I just rocked him to sleep and started crying. I feel so sad that this beautiful little boy with big blue eyes and eyelashes that touch the sky might have something wrong with him. My heart is broken in 2 right now. I want so much for him to be NT, but I know he's not. I just want him to look me in the eye and know who I am and not look away. I hate the brief glances. I want him to just stare at me for hours like my DD did. It's amazing to me that love can hurt so much. Someone on this board once told me to just enjoy him as a baby and not worry about what he might or might not have and I took that advise to heart, but today I just feel sad. We went to my parents yesterday for a pool party and when we took him in the pool he just shut down. DH said, "It's like he doesn't see anyone." How's that for making you heart sink when you're a special ed teacher. So, I tried to justify it and say that he could just be overwhelmed and have too much to process. I am so confused by him. When we go places, little old women stop me all the time cuz he is so darn cute and after he looks at them he just smile this big grin. He even reaches out for them. Then other times (especially later in the day) I seem to lose him. Last week we were out for a walk and a 2 year old came up to him and Jacob just smiled, reached out for her, touched her arms and I thought "wow, that's pretty typical" Then other times I just don't know. Anyhow, I'm starting to ramble. I guess I am just having one of those days. I just hope that my beautiful, cuddly, soft baby boy will be able to love me like I do him. My biggest fear is that he won't really "know"me.
Thanks for listening.
I guess I just needed a good cry today.
Sonya
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 1:03am

<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>

a good cry is good for you... and its ok to feel that way, we all do, from time to time.
your a great mom, your doing everything possible to help him.
your son has a great future, and someday soon,he will look at you,"know" you and he already loves you, because your his mom.....

I have to stop myself from crying, just about every night.. just looking at my kids sleeping, so peaceful and content... and they smell so damm good... and then morning comes,and they wake-up and I could cry again-not so peaceful,content, and after a mini-food fight, they don't smell good anymore...LOL...LOL...

<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>> again

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 4:24am

Dear Sonya,

I do understand how you are feeling, because I have been there myself. Your son is SO young and you still don't really know anything yet one way or another. This is a very frightening time,and I just want to say that even if your child has neurological issues, all will get better and there ARE so many things you can do to improve and help him with any challenges he may have.

My own beautiful son (PDD-NOS) just turned 8 and there are times that it is tough to watch him struggle with areas of life that wouldn't be so hard for an NT kid. And he is so smart and funny and warm --- I just love him so much and wish there was no misconnections in his brain.

But he grows and learns every day. He is very loving and affectionate and we have a strong bond. He still sometimes tunes people out, but only for short periods of time and he is never really far away now. We have learned how to help him when his senses are too overwhelmed, and even better, he has learned coping skills on his own. I think he has better skills now than many grownups I know!!!

Anyways, I also think a good cry is necessary from time to time and here is a good place to write, get feedback, ask questions and just vent. Also, from what you describe of your son, he does already "know" you and many people around you! And if there are issues, you are finding out so young and that is just key.

Good luck and I hope you stay in touch with how things are going. I am handing you the cyber tissues and a good glass of cyber wine with amazing cyber chocolate. And a big cyber hug!

yours,

Sara
ilovemalcolm

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 6:46am

i cried too last night, and i rarely do anymore. matt had a day where he seemed so uncomfortable in his skin and unhappy. i checked on him before going to bed, and he was so peaceful and sweet. i wish i could provide that feeling for him all the time, and it made me cry.

but then this morning, he was happy and giggly cuddling with me in our bed. he was calm and lovable. and it reminds me to relish and remember the good times because there are many. autism is only a small part of matt.

valerie

~Valerie
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 10:32am

It is easy to "awfulize" a situation and expect the absolute worst.

Pat

Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response. --

Avatar for littleroses
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 12:03pm

It's a lot like being kicked in the gut must feel like. Here you are jumping all the hurdles in life and you smack into a wall you never even saw. The sadness, from my part, came from feeling powerless. If anything at all had happened to ME in life, I would take it like all the other hurdles: "Bring it on!" But this was not me, this was my little girls. I had no control over that. I have no control over what their futures might be like. I have no control how others will treat them. I have no control over the suffering they will encounter. Maybe all mothers feel that way. I don't know, but I think it took it to the nth degree and that makes you feel alone.

But, you're not alone and you're not as powerless as you feel right now.

And something else I've learned, and I hope this happens for you, is that what I once thought was something awful...really turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I know, at this moment, that is probably a little hard to swallow. But, my youngest also has epilepsy. To tell you the truth, this freaked me out and caused me more agony than her autistic tendencies ever did. But the more I learned (became empowered) the more I was able to help her with her seizures and the more her ASD symptoms decreased. I realized at some point, that these two things were intertwined for her and saw that one was a compass of the other. If I saw her seizure activity decrease, the more "with it" she became and vice versa. If she had never had seizures, I wouldn't have been curious about learning of the body's energy pathways. Long story short, for us, these awful horrible seizures has turned out to be something useful in an odd way. If someone had told me that years ago, I don't know I would have hardly been convinced.

So, I guess my point is that there can be blessings in disguise.

I agree with the advice someone told you. I once read an article where there was a doctor who delivered this woman's baby and as she handed the baby over to the woman, she simply said, "Just love him." I guess, in the end, that's all our jobs really entail.

LR

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2004
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 4:22pm

Sonya,

My thinking is that if your son is doing positive (NT) stuff intermittently, you may have more to work with than other parents who don't get this at first. I would encourage you to use floortime techniques whenever you see this happening. You might also start looking into precipitating events that could lead to better/worse responding (diet, sleep, environmental circumstances). I looked for such things in my son and over the years, I have found that blood glucose level, sleep, and certain environmental conditions facilitated or hurt his responding significantly. We have also experimented with diet, vitamins, various behavioral approaches, and medications. Behavioral approaches (floortime and RDI) and medication have given us the best results so far.

Also, realize that your own mood could be a factor in his responding. My son, Cassian, is a pretty good barometer for my or DH's mood, as well as showing his own independent mood changes. As a baby, I know that when I felt despondent (for the very same reasons you do because I was a professor of developmental psych working on EI research), I probably gave off signals that made me less good as an interactive partner. It's not something you can control, except maybe by seeking therapy yourself (in my case, I found SSRI meds to be effective at times), so it certainly isn't something you should beat yourself up for. I'm just saying your mood and responding may also be one of the factors that makes your DS better/worse.

Finally, I will say, I certainly know how you feel, as I watched my son at an early age acting in atypical ways and was told by our pediatrician that I was overreacting. It turns out that unfortunately I was right and she was wrong. I truly believe that if a parent thinks there is something going on with his/her child, there probably is because parents are the last people to want their child to be affected adversely. I hope you get some satisfaction from your next visit to the specialists. Your DS is at least moving into an age where his symptoms may be more easily recognized by them.

Suzi

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2005
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 7:37pm

Wow, oh wow, Sonya -- I burst into tears just reading this! Twice! The reason is that I can relate. We don't have a diagnosis for our 2yo son yet either (evaluation this coming Monday) but I know it's coming. And I don't want it to. I just want to stay in this bubble of time when it's not official, when I can still imagine that he's a typical 2-year-old boy who obsesses with wheels. Who some days is soooo interactive and fun and some days, well, is showing ALL the reasons we should be concerned. We actually have been having a week of those bad days, probably because I know the evaluation is coming and I'm not being very interactive and positive myself. So I guess what I am saying is that you are not alone in your sadness and I guess the one thing I keep reminding myself of is that if this is a low point, it means there is a high point on the horizon. Somewhere.
It must be hard to see such a difference between you son and daughter. I don't know what to say to that. Calvin is our only (so far) and all I know is how he is. But I believe he knows me and loves me -- he's just showing it differently than most kids do. He even gives my husband a "rock star" greeting when he gets home from work, so he knows dh, too. I'm sure your son will know you and love you. I hope you are happier tomorrow -- be good to yourself.

Kellie & Calvin

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 11:07pm

Sonya,

I know how you feel. I have 2 boys, and my oldest is NT. I used to feel the same way when Nathan was younger.....and there are days that I still feel sad. Nathan had a tendency to just look right thru me. I never really felt like he was looking at "me". There didn't seem to be that connection that I had with his brother. But I continued to still be loving, affectionate, and attentive....hoping that eventually he'd come around. And he did...in his own way. Nathan can be loving and affectionate, even though sometimes he prefers to be alone. It's funny though, because now when he looks at me....he looks "right at me". He seems to focus so closely on my face, and he loves to touch and feel my face, my hair, my arms, my hands. He just has his own way of showing how he loves me.

Nathan comes "in and out" of it too. Some days he seems more autistic than other days. There are days that he will actually respond to other kids, but there are also days, where he will just stand there, or even say something odd.

I know how hard it can be, just watching them. I do it often....watch him. There are days that my heart breaks, but there are also days where he makes me smile and I just want to hold him forever!

Michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 11:47pm

Sonya,

You may have to go through that grieving process of letting go of what you thought and hoped his life would be like...but I promise that one day in the not too distant future you will see that his life will have more wonder and promise than you could have ever imagined.

I promise you.

Lots of love,
Gemma

Mommy to Kiki (DS age 35 mos with ASD)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 9:12am
Thank you for your kinds words. You have helped make my heart feel a little better.
Sonya