A sibling -- to try or not?

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Registered: 05-30-2005
A sibling -- to try or not?
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Sun, 09-11-2005 - 9:36pm

Hi, all -- I bring this to you all because I know you all can kind of relate to my trillions of emotions on this one. We have Calvin -- bright, beautiful little boy, but is 2 yo with PDD. Honestly I think he will be great in a few years, but right now with all his therapy and issues, he's a handful. I never wanted to be a SAHM, but due to his needs have ended up as one and , for the most part, unhappily so. I know this will change down the road, but this is it for the forseeable future. We talked about having two kids, but given what we are going through with Cal, I am really scared. Scared because what if we bring another child into this world with these issues? I know -- we love him or her no matter what, but I am truly at my wit's end most of the time right now, I feel like an awful mother for not enjoying this time with Calvin, and can't imagine doing this all over again. I know about the 20 percent chance of having a second child on the spectrum and truly wonder if I'm cut out for it. Or up for it.
But then there's the other possibility -- we have a typical child. Someone else to love and love us and Calvin. When I heard the developmental pediatrician list off all the things Calvin should be doing by now, I have to believe that raising a typical child would be an amazing thing. What -- they can learn how to speak without hours and hours of therapy? I wouldn't know what to do! Plus, I kind of feel like a sibling would be a good thing, for Calvin and for us.
I know the smart answer is to table it and see how we feel a later this year, but I feel my clock ticking a bit and sort of feel like the pressure is on, you know?
Maybe there's no advice for this, but I just had to get this out. I think about it every single day and don't know what to do. I'd be OK with an only child if I truly believed all the time that he was going to be OK. But you all know how this roller coaster ride is, right? How did you all decide on this? Or have you?

Kellie

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Registered: 09-15-2003
Sun, 09-11-2005 - 11:20pm

Kellie,

I can't help you with this much, other than to say I understand how you feel. I was lucky that I had a NT child and then my son with special needs. So, I didn't have the stress of worrying about whether or not to have another one. But if I was considering another baby now, it would be difficult to decide if I have the physical and mental energy for another child - NT or not.

I know I read a super thread on this not too long ago. If you do a search on "afraid of more children" you will find the thread....lots of good advice and thoughts.

Best of luck to you with this difficult decision.
Chrissy

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Registered: 09-15-2003
Sun, 09-11-2005 - 11:23pm
Whoops. Actually you have to type in the search "sibling" or "afraid of more kids".
Chrissy
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-11-2005 - 11:32pm

It is a personal decision and completely up to you. However, I will say that the best gift I have ever given my kids, it was siblings. Even though there is more than 1 ASDer. You do learn to group manage them.

Remember, I have 2 definite Aspies and another who is diagnosed PDD and we are still on watch for what his final diagnosis will be.

The only one I feel for is my one typical actually. But she is a princess and gets a bit spoiled by grandparents, etc, so she is OK. She is going to be one strong adult though and she is the ring leader.

Renee

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 8:56am

this is a difficult decision that only your family can make.

We have 5 children, somewhat by planning-- we wanted a large family-- somewhat by just our not knowing our own limitations. Our middle son is Dx with autism (HFA). Our oldest has ADHD and the youngest probably has ADHD as well. The 2 girls are NT. We didn't know the middle child had ASD until about 1 1/2 yrs ago-- by then we already had 5.

If we'd had the Dx for the older 2 boys when we were still in the deciding to try stage I'm not sure what we would have decided. I think that we wanted several kids so I don't think it would have made a difference. We are pleased that Weston (HFA) has siblings to help him learn. We have been told by a couple of different professionals that work w/ autism that Weston is much more able to handle the unexpected and is more flexible (I find that he's not flexible compared to his siblings but I guess compared to other kids w/ his Dx he's more flexible) possibly due to having his siblings.

best of wishes w/ your decision to try. I'm sure you will be blessed either way.

Betsy

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Registered: 06-25-2003
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 9:13am

Well, just yesterday, my DS asked when a baby was going to come out of Mommys tummy. Mommy's tummy hit the floor!

Seriously: We had wanted four kids, but when we were 2/2 with ASDs, we decided to stop. Peter had been a particularly difficult child until about 4.5, and we didn't feel we could go through that again. We figured that even if we had an NT, she (we decided an NT woudl be a girl LOL) would be the 'odd one out' with two ASD siblings.

But I am SOOOOOOO glad Peter is not an only child. Now he has a best friend, a friendly rival, someone with whom he can share long car journeys and his joy regarding his latest Neopet (maybe even share the *actual* Neopet), and a partner in crime (actually at 7 and 5, they ae pretty good these days).

And Siobhan was/is a MUCH easier child to parent -a great baby and a loving, gentle child, with no behaviour issues. (she's not as funny as Peter, though)

I also think about the future. Without Siobhan: Who will he lean on as an adult? What peer will understand him? Who will truly relate to him and his experiences growing up? Sometimes, -for that reason alone, I feel compelled to consider having a third child. My sisters and I have leaned heavily on each other growing up and beyond, (our parents died young) and a single sibling is a 'single point of failure'; that is, if you lose that one sibling, you have lost all of that support.

Just my thoughts and experiences. As Renee said, the decision is intensely personal and entirely yours

-Paula

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 11:06am

Hi Kellie,

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Registered: 12-24-2004
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 12:29pm

Kellie,

I guess I should say, "Been there, done that." Last year, we were dealing with the same decisions. I cannot tell you what is right for you, but I will tell you our story.

I am 40 yrs old and just gave birth to a lovely baby boy, Tristan. My ASD son, Cassian, will be 6 in November. I was quite worried about how Cassian would respond to Tristan most of the time I was pregnant, and the pregnancy was a tough one for me, although all health indicators for the baby were good. We had all the genetic tests done that we could, but of course there is nothing available right now that can help detect autism because it is a disorder that is caused by many different things (multiple genes and environmental interactants that differ for each child). By the way, our DP, who also does research in autism, told me that the latest figures are 1 in 80 to 1 in 90 chance of having another ASD child, if you have already had just one. The more ASD children you have, of course, the higher your chances are to have another.

To make a long story short, Cassian is doing great with a little brother. At almost 6 yrs old, he is able to understand that he must wait to get his needs met while I nurse the baby. I made a list of things that Big Brothers "Do" and "Don't" do, which helped a lot. Cassian is hyperlexic, so we do a lot of teaching with signs, lists, and short stories. What has really amazed me is how empathic and careful Cassian has been with his little brother. Of course, we prepared him like crazy for this transition, but it has been so incredible how he absorbed everything and can apply it. He says sweet things to the baby, kisses him, touches gently, goes around him like we taught him to, goes to fetch things that I need when I ask him. Having a baby in the house has been a real a source of pride for Cassian, too, because he can see that he can do things the baby cannot do, and he has a lot of opportunities to help out. I think that before the age of 5 Cassian would not have been able to do all these things, so I feel very comfortable with our decision to wait to have another child until Cassian was much older. It has worked out well for us.

Other benefits that have happened are that Cassian is much closer to his Dad now, because they have spent a lot more time together since my last few mos of pregnancy. We do more as a family, too because I can't really handle both boys together in most places (due the possibility of Cassian having a meltdown). We also had Cassian in our bedroom for a long time, and before Tristan was born, we transitioned him to a big boy castle bed, which his father made, and decorated a bedroom especially for him. So Cassian made a really tangible transition to big-brotherhood that had a lot of positives in it for him. He also started going to school last year, which helped give me more time to feel comfortable about having a baby.

The major downfall of having a second child have been that the very elaborate in-home therapy program I was doing with Cassian has been curtailed considerably, but this probably does not affect most people, who farm out more services to professionals. In my former life, I was a psychologist, specializing in treatment of young kids with developmental disabilities, so it has been a natural extension of myself to create such a program for my ASD child at home. Another small pitfall has been that I cannot go most places with both children unless I have another person along. Most of the time, the need for an extra adult would not be apparent, but when Cassian has a meltdown, I need to intervene, and the baby could get hurt. When Tristan is older, it may be possible for me to do trips with both boys, and Cassian will probably improve too, so this is a temporary problem that we have to work around. It is also not much of a problem, because as I said earlier, this forces my husband to do more with us as a family, and that has turned out to be a very good thing.

That is our story. I cannot tell you what will work for you. There are many people who choose to have only one child, after they have one with autism, but there are also many who go on to have more kids. As for us, I am glad we made this decision, and it already looks like Tristan is a very different baby from Cassian, so we hope that he will not have the issues that Cassian has had. I must also add that the years from 2 to 4.5 were the hardest for us, and as Cassian has grown older, we see such improvements in him and good evidence that he will grow up to be independent, intelligent, and have a small circle of friends. It is now exciting for us to have guests over to our house because we can see Cassian growing socially and emotionally, albeit in a slightly delayed fashion.

I wish you luck with this monumental decision. Must go now and nurse Tristan again.

Suzi

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Registered: 05-30-2005
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 3:03pm

Thank you to everyone who replied. I really appreciate you all sharing your stories and thoughts. Yup, this is a toughie and I wish I were the gambling type because then it would be easy -- go for it. But I'm cautious worrier so this is gonna kill me until we decide (or it's decided for us). Thank you all again.

Kellie

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Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 3:43pm

Kellie-
I know I was fortunate that I was 8 months pregnant when Ian was diagnosed with Austism. Because otherwise it would have been a very tough decision....and I am 34 so it was not like time would have been on my side.
I told my DH that had I know about Ian's issue before I got pg, I never would have had another child. He totally disagrees and thinks we would have.
There is no great answer for this- no right or wrong. But, my gut says if you really would like another child, then make that decision separate from considering Calvin's issues. The chances are still in your favor that nothing will be wrong if you have another child. And I must say, I now have a NT child (and trust me, even at 8 months old I can tell that I am dealing with an NT child!) and not only is it a whole different experience, I am finding that it is very good for Ian to be around another child.

If you think there is no way that you could live with another child with challenges, then maybe it would not be the right thing.

I don't know, I am just so thankful to have another child that even when I found out Ian was autistic, I felt that I could survive it if this child needed help too. But, I would have been scared to make the choice consciously.

Oh heavens, I am not helping you one bit!! Just go with your gut. You would never regret another child no matter what because you will love them (but that does not make this path any easier if they have challeneges too)...but you may very well someday regret not having another child.

I wish you the best in sorting through this decision. It really is a tough one!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 4:15pm

Dear Kellie,

And I am chiming in to say that we eventually chose not to have another child, there was no way in the complexity of our lives that we could have managed it, and now looking back --- well, I sure as hell wish that Malcolm had a sibling, but his parents are barely hanging on raising him and there never was a time to have another kid. We thought later maybe, then we got the dx. My husband struggles with depression and has been through so many job changes since outsourcing, I had to close my theatre company partly because of Malcolm's needs. So, it never happened and will not now. This makes me sad, but I don't think we could handle another PDD kid, and actually I don't think we could handle another kid of any persuasion.

It is hard to look squarely at our limitations, but I have lived in such a state of near chaos and exhaustion, working so hard my teeth ache constantly since this child was born. I love him more than anything, I myself come from a large family with many siblings and miss that for my son. But I don't feel my marriage would hold up, we can barely afford everything we are doing for Malcolm, I am working so many hours to afford it all. Should my husband at long last land the job and salary he deserves, and that is in the next few years, we would then consider adopting!

So, I can't tell you to go ahead and do it, 'cuz I believe that would have been a disaster for us and I don't think it is right for all people to have more children. You do have to consider your resources, and I know a few people who I believe have really over reached their limits. And the entire family seems to be suffering.

Good luck with your decision. This is a painful subject, we went round and round for a few years, but finally we just knew in our souls of sould that our survival depended on us just loving Malcolm alone, and letting his many cousins and friendships provide him with "siblings".

If my husband's fur allergies can be helped, though, we might get Malcolm a dog...

yours,

Sara
ilovemalcolm
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