New here, is it Asperger's?

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Registered: 12-20-2004
New here, is it Asperger's?
3
Sun, 09-25-2005 - 9:37pm

My 3.5 yr old son has always been a little quirky but in the past 6 mos. his behaviors have seemed to worsen. First things first, at his 3 year well check up, the dr. suggested that we go get him assessed by the school district for developmental delays. We never had even considered that he had delays because for the most part he seemed like every other 3 yr old.
He has always been very smart and knew all his letters even before his 4 yr old cousin. This being my first child, I guess I didn't exactly know everything that a 3 yr old was expected to know how to do. Anyway, at the assessment we found out that he has some communication delays and up to this point he had always developed normally. In addition to the lack of communication skills, he also had some odd behaviors at home like running around the house yelling or moaning, zoning out in the middle of activities, and focusing in on certain activities for long periods of time. We took an autism assessment test while at the assessment and he did not fit the criteria.

So, back to present time, he has a new baby brother who came home from the hospital 4 wks ago and ever since we brought the baby home my 3 yr old has been throwing fits left and right. And usually for no apparent reason. He will ask for juice and then get mad when we try to give it to him or he will freak out when we throw his dirty diaper in the garbage. And he hits us constantly. He is always slapping us and he's angry when he does it but we never know why! And my husband and I are just beside ourselves. We have no idea how to deal with him. We've tried every type of discipline but nothing works. It's almost like he doesn't care or just doesn't get why he's being punished even when it's immediately following him misbehaving. I just feel overwhelmed. Our household is so stressful right now...

So, does it sound like Asperger's? Who do we need to see to get him diagnosed? Who can help us understand how to discipline him? Are kids with AS ever happy? Please help! I just want a happy household again...

-Alicia
Loving mother of Coleman, 3.5 & Cooper 4 wks

  
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Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 09-25-2005 - 11:43pm

It's been my experience that Aspergers doesn't normally get diagnosed until the child is school age...so I don't want to guess a diagnosis for you. You may have to wait another couple of years. However, if you believe that it is Aspergers, there is no reason that you can't try some AS strategies. If the strategies work, then the need for a dx becomes less urgent.

My main suggestions are regarding the hitting. This technique is one that worked for my autistic son. First of all, STOP doing discipline after the hitting and try to address the hitting before it happens. If he's hitting due to frustration, discipline is only going to inflame the situation anyway. And you're right...if he is AS, then he's probably not understanding why he's being disciplined.

First and foremost, you need to make a visual stating "no hitting". Get a picture of someone hitting someone else and put one of those red lines through it (similar to a no smoking sign). Hang it in a prominent position. Eveyone must follow this rule, even when a quick slap in the name of discipline seems tempting.

Try to figure out what will trigger a meltdown. Can you give some examples of what makes him mad? Would I be right in guessing that changes in his routine will set him off? We can try to help you make a strategy to avoid them. If you can give him some anger management strategies...and alter your own parenting style you should be able to lessen the amount of meltdowns. Once you learn the techniques, it's easier than it sounds.

Look at other options where he can direct his frustration in a more acceptable way. A stress ball? Stamping his feet? If you can think of something that may work, you can teach it via visual cues and social stories. Also, if what you try the first time doesn't work, try something else - don't persist on the first strategy if it's a failure.
If all else fails and he does hit you, I can only reiterate that you should ignore it.

Also, he's in the middle of a meltdown, try getting him a drink. It sounds dumb, but a drink can calm some huge meltdowns.

For what it's worth, at the age of 4, my DS used to hit us frequently. Now that he's 8, he never does. He's a very happy and funny kid now that we've stopped trying to use 'normal' techniques on him. We had to change our techniques, but it was so worth it. Now we've got two different parenting styles for two very different kids: Normal Parenting for DD and Autistic Parenting for DS ;-)

I've got a couple of books to recommend. Try 'A Treasure Chest of Behavioural Strategies for Individuals with Autism' by Fouse and Wheeler. Also read books about creating visuals by Linda A Hodgdon

I don't get here often, but you can email me via my profile if you want more info.

Aisha.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
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Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 2:54am

>>He will ask for juice and then get mad when we try to give it to him or he will freak out when we throw his dirty diaper in the garbage.<<

Alicia, I just had a thought about these issues. And I'm strictly in my "autistic parent" mode at present, so I'm not covering potential issues from a "normal child" or from a different type of disability.

Are you giving him juice in the 'right cup'? Are you using the 'right brand' of juice? Or perhaps he needs to be in the 'right place' when you give him the juice.

Regarding the throwing away the diaper tantrum...have you changed the way you do things? Have you got a different bin? Or do you wrap it in a different bag?

These are very autistic behaviours that I'm describing, but any of them could explain the tantrums you describe.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 7:46am

Alicia,

((((hugs))))). You have a lot on our plate right now with a new baby and a DS who turned into Mr Hyde ovenight. Poor guy. I guess the baby realy rocked his world.

Somebody smarter than me on this board says that behaviour in little kids is commnication -so with this behaviour he could be communicating a lot of frustration, confusion, and feeling of being replaced. I still remember the birth of my sister when I was 3yo. I was delighted! UNTIL I realised she was coming *home* with us! I thought she was going to stay in the hospital and we would visit from time to time! I was fine with that, but home was *my* domain, and I wasn't happy to share it (or my mother).

I have to say, I see some red flags in your description. My son used to do the juice thing exactly. It was extremely frustrating! On the other hand, he could be just having an extremely difficult time adusting to the new home situation. Either way, I think you need help.

So what to do? I recommend you contact your school district for a full special ed evaluation. (don't be scared at the wording. That is what they call it, even if it is for a stutter). They will not diagnose, -unless something is so glaringly obvious it would be negligent to not acknowledge it, but they will treat what they see, so if there is a speech delay, they will offer speech therapy. If he has sensory issues; occupational therapy. Deficits in other areas; they may offer some special ed, either at home or at a school. The good thing about this approach: no cost to you.

Your other option is the medical route: Have your ped refer him for a full neuropsychological evaluation. Downside: there is often a long waiting list, and most insurance dosn't cover it -testing usually runs between $1500 and $4000. As Aisha pointed out, you may not even get a diagnosis out of it, as he is still pretty young.

I would definitely start with the school district.

And a word of hope: Even if uns out to be Aspergers or similar, kids can make teriffic progress with the right help. MY DS was a pure nightmare at 3yo. He used to hit, kick, bite, tantrum constantly and had horrible communications problems. We got him help. We educated *ourselves* on how to deal with him (totally different than a regular kid) and these days (he is 7) I very often get complimented by strangers on how sweet and well-mannered he is. Oh, he still has his moments -don't get me wrong, but they are *moments* now rather than *all the time*.

HTH and good luck.

-Paula

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com