blowout with mom --- grrrrr
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| Fri, 10-07-2005 - 12:45pm |
Hi, everyone -- well, it was bound to happen. We've been trying to be strict with our GFCF diet and two weeks ago my mom (who is trying but not very detail-oriented) almost gave Calvin a snack with wheat starch (she didn't read ALL the ingredients) and chicken coated with flour (she "forgot" flour comes from wheat) and then said to me "But it's just a little -- does it have to be that strict?". Um, yes. I had given her the Special Diets for Special Kids book and she says she read it, but as I explained, she's not very detail-oriented. And then she gets defensive about it. "Well then what am I supposed to feed him?!?!" Well, gee, ma -- it's not like I don't struggle with this very topic EVERY day, so let's get creative, shall we?
Anyway, so today, she's pulling out some food for him and I see that it has cheese on it (the Tofutti kind) and I say "He can't have that -- we just found out it has gluten" and she starts crying. What's wrong? Well it turns out I didn't say it nicely enough. And she's frozen all these meals that she can't use now. And she's frustrated that this diet is so hard. And why am I not very nice these days? Well, holy cow. Because this has been a really awful year and I'm not full of sunshine and butterflies lately. And because she has shown by her recent behavior that she is not fully understanding how hard the diet has been all along so, yeah, I'm losing patience.
Sorry to vent -- I just can't stand it when my family looks at me like I've turned into the devil and wonders why I'm not handling this any better.
Kellie

((((Kellie))))
I'm sorry your having a hard time dealing with your Mom and the diet. I have a very hard time dealing with my Mom too. I pretty much avoid her now a days. I'm sending you positive vibes things get easier+++++++++++
Samantha
Sorry. But I have very little sympathy for that situation.
One day I woke up and my mother was not there. She hed been rushed to hospital. We were not allowed to go and see her. Days passed and she did not come home. The babysitter took us trick-or-treating It wasn't the same wthout my Mom's larger than life presence. Then on Nov 2nd, we were pulled out of school early and told us she had died that AM.
I was 5½.
If you have a mother who is there for you and willing to help, thank your lucky stars and figure out a positive way to make it work. Write menus, keep lists of allowed and disallowed foods and *stop taking her for granted*. Lfe would probably be much more difficult for you if she suddenly weren't there.
Sorry to be harsh, but it really ticks me off to hear people complaining about their mothers.
-Paula
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
Ok. Thanks. Sorry -- I never said I didn't appreciate or love my mom. We had a fight. I thought this was a place to vent about topics directly or indirectly related to parenting children on the spectrum. This what's going on in my world of parenting today and it really upset me.
Kellie
Dear Kellie,
I am so sorry that you are having some difficulties with your mom, sounds like you are also struggling on many fronts, and having her struggle, too, is so much harder on you right now. That is a very tough place to be!
My own mother tries hard. She doesn't really know how to connect easily with Malcolm, and yet I watch her reading and laughing and playing with her other grandchildren, same age-range and NT, and it is hard not to be jealous. As we live far away, they don't get to see each other as much as she does her other grandkids, but when she IS with us, she tends to get depressed about his difficulties and also gets tired quickly. Still and all, drives me a little kooky at times.
I guess what occurs to me is that it's possible that your mother is REALLY having a hard time with dealing with her own feelings and the reality of the dx, and in a way this is mildly passive aggressive behavior, the diet mess ups. BUT she is trying, and actually putting alot of love and time into (sloppily) trying. You all sound very tired and stressed out, and THAT is sadly real normal under the circumstances.
This board IS a place to blow off steam, often very helpful as a way to avoid taking off the head off of the person you really love but just can't stand right at the moment!
I also want to say that the first few years I had Malcolm on the diet, I used to carry his food and meals with us everywhere, so noone else was responsible for reading lables or making food choices for him. I eventually trained my babysitters about buying snacks, and they did learn to do a good job. But mainly I made the decisions, did the groceries, label-reading and cooking, etc. At his special needs preschool, I put myself in charge of providing ALL the snacks, other parents did occassionally chip in to help me cover the cost. And the school watched out for birthday cakes, etc.
I also want to say that the diet is VERY hard, but the first 6 months of figuring out how to do it is the hardest. You will ALL get better at it the longer you practise.
Be well, feel better. Of course you love your mom and she loves you and your son very much. You will get through this. Be very kind to yourself, as best you can!!!
sending cyber chocolate and wine and many kind thoughts,
Sara
ilovemalcolm
Kellie,
I know this has been a really rough year on you. The beginning always is the toughest. And you are likely feeling very sensitive.
But remember as well that this is very hard on grandparents too. They see not only thier grandchildren suffering, but thier kids. Plus they just don't know what to do to help. They never dealt with these kinds of things when they were raising kids most likely. Some go into deep denial, some try, some withdraw, but it is always hard on them.
In this case it looked like she did try from the last situation and made frozen meals and then a new thing was found to have the bad stuff in it so that work was a waste. She is frustrated too.
Rather than having your mom try to figure out how to do this on her own is there another way you can work it out? You say she is feeding your son often, does he go there to be babysat often or is this when you are visiting?
Perhaps you could make extra when you are making meals for him and freeze the extra and give it to your mom to put into her freezer. That way she has a steady supply of food that he can eat and you don't have to worry about what she is feeding him.
Honestly, when I have had strict diet guidelines for the kids I provided the special food to make sure that it was done right and not to put others out.
My mom makes mistakes too. She sometimes says things that are hurtful, but she doesn't mean to. She just really due to her history has had a hard time really comprehending all this, but she is trying. My inlaws in the past have said very hurtful things even to the point of blaming me for the kids AS because of working parttime, feeding them corn or not being careful enough when pregnant or nursing. They also did not mean to hurt me but they are going through grief too and trying to understand autism from afar.
Take another look at this from your moms point of view. She is trying to help and is frustrated as well. Try to find some way to work it out between the 2 of you for both of you and your son.
Renee
Well, I told my mom I was sorry about not being nice enough and also told her I would be bringing Calvin's meals from now on. And she cried again and became even more upset, which I thought might happen. She is upset she can't cook for him. She is upset that I don't trust her to do it right. She's upset that it's so detailed. When we started this whole diet, I thought I would do all the cooking (and was fine with that) but she told me not to -- she wanted to help. Which was great -- except that it wasn't working. I know she is upset about Calvin, too, but when I asked her about it she denied it completely. I lived away from my family for over 15 years until this year (when we moved back home) and I have been very used to doing things on my own. I'm not used to all the emotional price tags on accepting help from family and I actually miss the help I used to receive because I paid for it. I know that sounds harsh, but I'd rather my family just be my family, not my babysitters. I know -- get a job and hire babysitters. I'm working on it, but it's a slow process around here. It's obviously difficult to capture the dynamics of a family on a online discussion board, so I'm sorry I brought this to you all. I just needed to vent in a "safe" place. Paula, again, I'm so sorry you lost your mom. But even though I love my mom and appreciate her help, we still have fights. That's not a lack of love or appreciation -- that's life.
Kellie
Kellie,
I was too harsh on you and I'm sorry. I know this is difficult for all of you and a difficult time in general. This board is a place to offload a lot of the frustration you get in everyday life. I was caught wrong-footed yesterday, PMSing, bad headache and halloween decorations everywhere (bad time of year for me) and I overreacted. Again, I apologise.
I do understand what you mean about having to deal with family feelings and politics in the midst of dealing with your own feelings. My own family (sisters) were a nightmare for years. -an unsupportive nightmare, for the most part: -Telling me I was crazy, there is nothing wrong (like you can tell from a photograph). I was glad in many ways that they are 3,000 miles away. Then, when they finally did get on the bus is was to demand I try all this wacky stuff, like swimming with dolphins.
I totaly relate to the thought of paid rather than family help being easier -it's a much more straightforward and impersonal relationship with no question of who is boss.
However, You have many positives to work with. You mother is overall supportive of you, not questioning the DX, not deliberately sabotaging; and is trying to work with you on this -not fight you. I think with some honest discussion, you two can come up with a compromise.
'Nother thought: Can you can redirect her to something less crucial than diet? If she can sew, you can have her make some weighted lap pads or other sensory things. -might be a good solution. She will *doing* something to help (I detect a need there), but something less detail-oriented which may be better suited to her skillset.
I also think you could probably both use counseling or a support group. (seperately).
((((Hugs))))
-Paula
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
hi kellie,
i applaud your determination with the diet; i tried and i couldn't do it. i couldn't handle the stress of it on top of all the other stuff that accompanies autism. i have used digestive enzymes in place of the diet with very good success. one of the product works to block the peptides in proteins such as wheat, gluten, soy, corn, casein. maybe you could try using these in a beverage to help cover the infractions when at your moms.
it might take some of the strain off of the relationship for both of you. if interested in more info, let me know and i can walk you through it. email me off the board at valeriejacobs@frontiernet.net.
valerie
Hi, Paula -- thanks for your post. Again, I am really sorry about your mom and I put two and two together and Halloween must be tough for you. But you were also a bit right -- I really do need to look at the positive sides of my mom (it was just really hard yesterday). And there are many, it's just that living so close to her after all these years is really trying on its own. That plus dealing with a new PDD diagnosis on our one and only child and I'm not a happy camper these days. Oh, and I actually am seeing a counselor for myself. I've been suggesthing that for years for her and my dad, but they're retired military and a little hard-headed, God love 'em.
Anyway, my mom is GREAT at carrying through on the therapy stuff. And I told her that. And actually that is the more important part, I think, because I always knew I could bring the food if I had to. But she's a grandma and she wants to love with food, so she is sad and angry at me. And she sees herself as being VERY detail-oriented, which my dad, sister, and I know that she's not. In fact, it's always been a kind of family joke. I just got to be the one to finally point it out after all these years, because it was affecting my son. So that stinks.
Anyway, enough's enough. Thanks for your post. Take care.
kellie