Family members just don't understand!

Avatar for kittikatkate
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Registered: 01-15-2004
Family members just don't understand!
6
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 11:15am

I just don't know what is wrong with people! Mother in law sends me an email last week about ds and how's he doing in school now. Then she said in the email (and in person the last time we saw her)about how "good" ds plays with cousin. Hello??? she just does not get this at all. I explained to her, yet again, that the socialization is a problem when he's in a group setting or if he is with one child who is shy, etc. He can not walk up to someone and start playing with them. Cousin is very, um, dominate, pushy, bossy. Bless her, because I love the little girl, but ds isn't really playing with her...he's more just following her comands and she still gets frustrated with him b/c he doesn't do (b/c he doesn't understand) what she wants, such as she wants him to play the daddy and play house.

I just feel like all the times some family members talk about ds they expect a "cure". It's not necessarily the things they say, it's more like the way they same them. Almost as if I making this worse than it is or something. Like mother in law said the other day "his speech is getting so much better." Does she even pay attention when I speak to her??? I told her after his first evaluation that they said all of his mispronunciations where age appropriate and that it was his ability to UNDERSTAND language, specifically who, what, when, why, where and how in addition to pronouns. And his speech is not getting better!! He's had maybe 5 hours of speech therapy with 2 other children present and doing the therapy as well.

I just don't understand. mother in law says she did research about pdd when we first told her about it but I just think she's clueless.

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Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 3:22pm

I'm right there with you. Dh's parents are wonderful and I love them, but whenever they see Sylvia they go on and on about how much "better" she is. And it's true, she's learning every day, she's so much more affectionate with them than she used to be (which is what I think they really are responding to) etc. But at the same time, I do worry that they think this is only a temporary setback for her, and that all she needs is a little more preschool and she'll be indistinguishable from the other grandkids. Obviously part of it is just their desire to be supportive to us, but it seems clear to me that they're still in denial a bit about her condition, still working through the mourning process, and so searching for that silver lining...

Oh, also, they're ex-hippies, used to own a natural food store, and they keep telling me things like, "I think all she needs is some extra omega 3s! Have you been giving her vitamins?" AAAAAARRRGGG!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 5:41pm

Oh ladies...this happens to the vast majority of us! One of my personal favorites is the "See, look at how smart he/she is!" As if by my explaining that two of our children have been Dx'd as being on the spectrum, somehow that correlates into, "My kids are stupid." (Sorry folks, autistic does not equal stupid. In fact, many auties and aspies have IQ's that FAR exceed you "neuro-typical types".)

Or my all time favorite, my mother-in-law saying to me, "I think I need to do a better job of mainstreaming Claire with her cousin and siblings." WHAT? You're the flippin' grandmother for crying out loud! How about letting her break her bedtime, watch too much TV, each whatever she wants? I'd much rather you treat her like a normal grandchild!

Sorry- emotional flashback of a really frustrating moment. My apologies!

Amy W.

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Registered: 08-26-2005
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 9:05pm
My MIL is great but in small doses.If she tells my son "just small bites" one more more time, I swear I'll have to say something because I don't know how many more times I have to tell her he's undersensitive in his mouth so he dosen't know when it's full.I've had the "oh, his speech is really coming along,"Yeah,his speech is great if I want him repeating lines from thomas the tank engine for the rest of his life!I think that's the frustrating part with our kids they are so borderline NT that most people miss the little things they do that are odd.I guess for most of us we have to grin and bare it as far as MIl's go.
Teresa
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 7:39am
I go through the same thing with my MIL! She is totally in denial as the rest of her 8 grandkids are just "perfect" so she really doesn't know how to deal with any of this.

Avatar for kittikatkate
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 8:31am

Teresa,
LOL at the Thomas the Tank engine lines!!! That is sooo true! MIL just mentioned at the last visit about ds repeating a car dealership commercial over and over and over!

kate

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 9:44am

Ya know to me this is almost comical because as I read I keep thinking of the old stereotypic jokes about in-laws, etc. And now I am thinking we special needs parents would have our own set of standard in-law jokes and lines. Sorry, just struck me.

Anyway, back to my usually in-law litany. First, you are right, sometimes they say things that are just plain hurtful or they don't understand. This stuff was never known when they were raising children, these are thier grandbabies and sometimes I think it is hardest on grandparents. They see thier children AND thier grandchildren suffering but they are on the outside and don't know what to do.

Then girls, we gotta remember, research shows that AS typically comes down the male side of the family. KWIM? Some of what they are saying they may not realize is hurtful.

Sure, my inlaws have said stuff like this and worse for years. They are still convinced my classically autistic 7yo nephew will be cured and is just fine. But then I realized my in-laws have thier own aspie type quirks, are hurting and kept on the outside because they are grandparents and just trying to figure out how to do what is best.

Renee

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