Am I expecting too much of DD?
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| Wed, 03-22-2006 - 9:54pm |
11yo dd, probably NLD (similar to ASD), has significant bowel troubles for which she takes daily laxatives -- or at least she does when I remember them. I tend to go through phases where I just forget them. I have repeatedly told dd to remind me that she needs her laxatives when I forget, esp if she's experiencing bowel trouble. Tonight she was howling in pain saying she thought her bottom was going to split open as she walked because she hurt so much. I assumed she was severely constipated, realized it's been a few days since she had her laxatives, and reminded dd that she needs to let me know when she's getting "backed up," so I can give her the laxatives. She immediately got her usual rude, disrespectful attitude and started saying it's not her fault! Rather than ask for help, she prefered to moan and shriek for a long time before I finally asked whether she'd like to solve the problem and take her laxatives. It was like a light bulb went off in her head that this problem could be fixed, and she happily accepted her medicine.
My questions are:
1. Is it really too much to expect dd to be a problem solver (I have pain, I should find solution rather than lying here shrieking)?
2. Is it really too much to expect her to help remember her own medicine?
3. How do I stop the bad attitude, rudeness, disrespect, etc.? My NT ds doesn't have this problem, so I think a lot of it is related to the NLD, but no matter how many consequences she experiences from previous bad behavior, the next time around dd's attitude still immediately starts at really nasty then escalates. Ultimately she'll calm down and apologize, acknowledge that she's earned some negative consequences, but the next time something occurs that she doesn't like, we go through the same scenario.
4. How do you remain calm and not take it all personally when your children are so unpleasant to you?
Thanks for any insight you can provide!

1. kids with ASD and I assume NLD are notoriously bad problem solvers. Part of AS is what I affectionately call "sticky thinking". They get stuck in thinking things one way and can't think of it a new way or problem solve. It is actually a break down in the executive functions of the brain. They have the knowledge in thier brain in the back where they recieved the info but can't bring it to the frontal lobe area to think it through and problem solve.
Fear not, it can be learned and thus taught but it does take a fair bit of effort. Just like you did tonight. Prompt her through the problem solving strategy. One strategy my kids have used in the past from various teachers is "Stop, Think, Make a good choice" and the other is "Stop, Plot, Go, SO?" It is steps in problem solving you cue them through. "stop" - stop when you are starting to yell and other behaviors that show you are upset. "Plot" - what choices do you have in this situation. What are some other ideas for choices? "Go"-try the choice out and "So?" - question yourself after. Did the choice you make work how you hoped it would? It was a whole program taught to cait by her ST last year.
Even if you just each time cue her like "you seem really upset, what are some other choices you can make? Here are some ideas to help you solve the problem." Eventually they get better and better at it and do get better at problem solving.
2. Taking her own meds. From what you have written of your daughter in this post I am guessing that she has pretty poor executive function skills. The ability to organize, plan and carry out plans in life. These kids lose things, forget things, have a hard time with long term projects, etc. As such I dont think she will be able to remember to take her own meds unless you provide some sort of modification to help her to do so.
One thing I have done that does work is to purchase pill containers for the kids that hold a whole weeks worth of whatever. Then once a week I would fill the pill boxes and place them in a vitamin basket on our kitchen counter. That visual was enough to help them AND ME remember thier meds. Currently they are only on vitamins so that helped with those.
I haven't been really good at the weekly pill thing lately but what I have done is put thier regular supplements in that basket on the counter. There it is a visual to them and to me to give them.
You could also try some sort of sticker chart to track when she takes it. Even make a contract out of it if she remembers every night for a week she can stay up a 1/2 hour later on the weekend. Something like that. Eventually it will become habit and she will get better at it.
3&4 - Still working on it, lol. But remaining calm and neutral (#4) is key to accomplishing #3. That in itself is a long battle fought valiantly on a daily basis. What helps me is first, postive reinforcement for positive behavior. You win more friends with sugar than vinegar. Second is to remain neutral when they start giving attitude. And 3rd is to try to figure out why they are giving attitude. Behavior is communication. Our kids are notoriously bad at communicating so we have to be investigators into what this behavior is telling us. Is it we are frustrated and overwhelmed and can't do it. Is it I am in pain? Is it raging horrible hormone changes of puberty?
Good luck, Sounds alot like my 11 yo daughter at times. Normally she is a sweet dispositioned kid but BOY OH BOY can she have her moments. Particularly when she is PMSing.
Renee
Thanks. I don't know whether you're just a more calm, even person or whether you've been at this longer, but you always have really good, reasoned responses. The only part of your answer that disturbed me was the PMS-ing. Aaaack!!! She better not!!! I am already having a hard enough time without allowing her to go through puberty! Fortunately the doctor says she doesn't show even any remote signs of being ready. Whew!
Can I ask another question?
The biggest problem I have with dd snottiness is that she almost never stops unless and until you give her MANY negative consequences and/or physically unsettle her (grab her shoulders, look her in the face and very firmly tell her to quit). I almost always start off calmly and try to reason with her, but she seems to think that's license to get worse. She doesn't seem to know how to be calm until she gets past a breaking point, at which time she's apologetic, rational, etc.
Dd has an attitude of either "I am glorious and the most wonderful creature around: worship me" or, "no one loves me." There's not a lot of middle ground. In her mind, whatever I say/do to her must be because of one of those two value statements. If I speak pleasantly to her, it must be because she's wonderful and glorious, and someone as fantastic as she surely ought not be expected to do such repulsive things as chores or speaking nicely. If I ask her to try harder to write neatly on her homework, do her chores, remember medication, etc., it must be because I hate her. It's often not until she has a complete meltdown and then recovers, that rational though process can exist.
It is because of these behaviors that I am just completely frustrated. I hate having to go through these cycles in order to be able to communicate (dh is exactly the same way). How can I work with her without going through this horrible process? Is this part of the "sticky thinking" you mentioned that can be overcome?
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Edited 2/19/2008 9:29 pm ET by littleroses
My neice is 13. She is yet undiagnosed (in process) but most likely ADD and dsylexia. My sister has been complaining also of how nasty she's been. But last week she joined track and my sister says its really improved her mood. Just thought I'd thow that out there.
Samantha
I re-read my question and realized I wasn't as clear as I could be. What I was trying to communicate is that when dealing with dd, truly the nicer and more sympathetic I am, the snottier she gets (not just a little bit, but dramatically so -- literally as if she's trying to goad me into a fight; she will pick random bizarre unconnected things to start fighting about and sometimes even testing her limits by gently hitting me). It's as if she's looking for reasons to be miserable. The calmer I remain, the more upset she gets until I either send her to her room to calm down (where she bawls about all the injustices she perceives, calms down, then is completely rational), or I snap and yell (at which point she bawls, calms down, then is rational). She doesn't seem to know how to get to the point of rational until she has a good meltdown, at which point she feels better and can talk things out.
I completely understand that kids are going to have ornery moments and say unfortunate things. I also believe, like you said, that she doesn't fully understand what/why she she's doing what she's doing. However, it's not okay behavior. I just don't know how to help her find a better avenue for getting past her yucky feelings to a point she is able to deal in socially acceptable ways. Even when we've come up with advance plans of how to deal with unhappiness, when it comes time to implement the solutions, she just finds that another thing to be unhappy about ("that's a stupid plan, I never agreed to it, you're just trying to make me mad, I won't do it" etc).
What would really help is if we could find services for dd, but I am stunned at how little is available (we don't qualify thru school, and we can't find outside services anywhere -- even our OT friend doesn't know anyone to refer us to). I think dd would respond somewhat well to therapy, but we just can't find any.
How about some nutrional supplements? Have you tried Omega 3's? That might be a good start. Valerian is very calming as an herb as is chamomile. I have recently found enzymend by Rainbow Light to be a great digestive enzyme and it include chamomile.
I would definitely recomend Omega 3's as a start. In fact it has been found in scientific studies to help with the moodiness of bipolar disorder even when medications did not. It helps alot with various types of neurological differences. I even use it myself. I have found myself much less prone to bad moods when I do.
Take it with a bit of C or E. There often is E in it and a glass of OJ would give the C.
When Cait is in a real mood (PMS) I find adding a bit of valerian and even GABA helps enormously. There is also "Rescue Remedy" which is a homeopathic that helps. I put a few drops of it in a glass of juice and give her juice with the valerian and gaba and life is much better pretty quickly.
If I think she is PMSing I often give some tylenol too for the cramps I know she is getting but isn't always good about telling me about. Kids who are neurologically different sometimes just don't process what is going on with thier bodies. They don't feel it the same way as we do. For instance, they may get real moody and nasty when hungry but never tell you they are hungry because they just didn't process that feeling in themselves. Wierd I know, but sometimes she just doens't realize the reason she feels yucky is cramps. Others she will tell me her stomach hurts but insist it isn't cramps.
BTW they can get cramps LONG before they get thier periods. If she has started puberty signs at all I would track her moods. She may already be having monthly cycles long before she is ready to start her period. Cait went through definite cycles for over 6 months, maybe even a year before starting her period. Then she went through the most horrible PMS for the first year after starting her period and she wouldn't always have a period. Maybe once every 6 months. She has been having it for about a year and a half now and finally she is getting regular and less moody.
Renee
I recently tried Ambrotose with my kids and didn't see any benefit (admittedly we weren't on it long, but I understood it was supposed to have a fairly rapid effect; it's expensive enough I don't want to pay for it for months before deciding it doesn't work). I'll have to try the other supplements you mentioned. We have some Rescue Remedy already for the dog, but I didn't think of trying it with dd. I tried Omega-3 in the past (couple of years ago) but couldn't find a good way to get it in dd that was palatable (she's not good at swallowing pills yet). I'll have to go back and see what options are available to us again with that one. The Omega 3's are probably one she could REALLY use (she's moodier than ds who also has NLD, but I'm not sure how much is hormonal and how much is emotional problems).
Thanks for the ideas of new things to try. I'll give 'em a shot and see what happens.