Son's Reaction to the Death of My Friend
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| Tue, 04-04-2006 - 9:40am |
Hello everyone,
I have posted several times here so I don't know if anyone remembers me talking about my son but he has not been diagnosed with Asperger's, just SID. But I think he has Aspergers though I haven't been pursuing it lately.
That being said, I think he reaction to my friend's death is typical (not of a neurotypical but of someone with Aspergers). This woman has been my closest friend for the past six years and she is the mother of his close friend. When I told him, he just said "oh" and went on playing. Then today he asks me, "why do you cry when you talk about Lisa?"
He also told me last week that he loves me sooo much. Then he goes on to show me his stuffed animal said that he loves his stuffed animal and me the same amount! I just said, "Boy, you really love your stuffed animal." I can't understand why he's say that. I said later, "don't you love me a little bit more than the stuffed animal?" and he says, "what do you want me to say?"
Well he's only five and my husband thinks that he responded like a typical five year old but he knows that she is not going to be coming back.
What do you think?
Shelly


hmmm, a little of both possibly.
I don't think 5yo's can really fathom death quite yet. Then add on that AS is a delay, particularly a social delay, and you realize his reaction in that regard is probably more like a 3-4 yo than 5 so he really can't understand the full depth of death.
All Aspies will respond to things like death differently. They also express affection differently and sometimes are confused by relationships.
When Mike was probably 5-6 a great aunt of my husbands died. We had only met her one time. Cait was not really affected by the death at all but Mike was devastated way more than what is normal for a child in this situation. It really overly freaked him out at the time. Mike was so affected that a year later we were visiting a church that reminded him of the funeral and he broke down crying because he missed an elderly woman he had barely met once. He can't handle any type of separation. Even my NT nephews were not affected by it. They were quite naughty trying to run and laugh in the funeral home so they obviously had no idea about it.
Death didn't seem to affect Cait however at all until recently. In fact she used to ask when our older dog would die so she could get a new one. Not coldly she just didn't understand. Recently (she is 11) she saw a dog dead on the side of the road and broke down crying.
Aspies have the same depth of feeling as NT's. Sometimes they have a hard time expressing it and understanding it. Sometimes it takes longer to understand these concepts but it is there.
Renee
Shelly,
I am very, very sorry that your friend died. That must be very difficult for you, especially in addition to everything else you are going through. My heart goes out to her family and especially her kids. Losing your mother young is a horrible thing. I will keep her family and yours in my thoughts and prayers.
Death, as a concept is pretty much impossible for a 5yo to understand. It can take many months for the implication to fully sink in. My mother died when I was five, and I remember that period in my life very clearly, so I do know what I'm talking about here. I remember trying to get my head around concepts like "dead" and "never coming back" and fitting them with more practical considerations; such as mommy can't tuck me in, put a band-aid on my knee or help me pick out my socks.
It's not the same at all, but it took my kids a long, long time to accept that our cat had died. My son, who is HFA didn't seemed too bothered by it, but he didn't really like that cat much anyway! My daughter did evetually cry.
On the Mommy vs stuffed animal discussion: I don't know. It does seem a little odd, but I don't know if a 5yo is just too young to distinguish between different types and degrees of love. I would be interested to hear others' opinions.
-Paula
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
Thanks for your thoughts, Renee and Paula.
Paula, I'm sorry that you lost your mother so young. It is hard to see the pain these children are in, mostly her six year old son. Her daughter, she will be four this month, has had a hard time too but she doesn't really understand. It's just tragic and hard to grasp.
Shelly
I don't have any good advice but I just wanted to send you some hugs. It's hard to lose somone so close.
Teresa
Shelly,
So sorry for your loss. My dear friend and neighbor lost her 8 year old son last year. He and Chase(8yo/AS)had been playing Yu Gi Oh the night the child had his seizure. When I got the call that the little boy probably wouldn't make it I was beside myself with grief. Chase asked what was wrong and when I told him he asked if he could have Mark's YuGiOh cards. I was schocked at first but it made me laugh a little. Then, months later he was in his bed crying and inconsolable(sp). I asked him what the matter was and he said he had started thinking about that movie where that guy is so sad that he lost Wilson. He was actually sad about the movie Castaway!!! His responses to loss are all over the place as you can see. Also, he says he never misses me when we're apart. He loves me like crazy but says he just doesn't miss people so I wouldn't worry too much about the stuffed animal thing. Sincerely, Vicky
Oh, ((((Shelly)))).