WWYD...Friend's comment

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
WWYD...Friend's comment
5
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 3:43pm

First, please forgive me for not posting very often. I've promised my husband I would not rely so heavily on virtual friends for help and support while we get all of our daughter's issues worked out. However, I'm just not sure this is one of those things he can help me with.

Our daughter is 3.5 and has been dx'd with pdd-nos. I think that will change to AS as she gets older. We work really hard with her and she's doing well. I think to most people she's just a unique kid; charming and quirky. However, she does do things that cause problems. She hugs too hard and plays a little rough for one thing. However, I'm not sure that would even be obvious at this age if she were a boy. kwim? Anyway...

I just got back from a playdate with a friend and her two younger children. One child is almost 3 and the other just turned 1. This woman has been a friend since I got pregnant and quit my job and her husband/my former co-worker introduced us. Over the last 6 months or so she's been my confidant about Kivrin, mainly because she seemed so understanding and level headed about the whole thing. Two weeks ago over a mom's day out lunch she said some odd, cryptic things about Kivrin's relationship with her older daughter and how forgiving of shortcomings her daughter would be...hence a good friend for Kivrin. I was uncomfortable about her implications, but she's always been very cool and very supportive so I figured I was just reading too much into the words. I didn't really get it until today. Today she came right out and told me that she'd had a talk with her almost 3 year old about how Kivrin had a handicap. "Just like grandma who uses sticks to walk. Kivrin has a handicap that makes it hard for her to understand how to be gentle. So, don't be afraid to ask for help."

Maybe I'm still overreacting, but I'm feeling a little betrayed by the characterization of my child. Am I being too sensitive?

mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 4:17pm

Ok if I be honest?

When our kids are first diagnosed and we are new to autism we are very sensitive to lots of things. It can be hard for any comment about our kids not to affect us in some way. Even if someone is trying to be helpful. And often it is near impossible for a person to know what to say or how to react.

I have felt the way you do as a parent of a child with autism over various comments, and I know I have made some friends feel the same way with comments that I had hoped were helpful.

I have to say at this point in my kids lives I do appreciate when friends try to explain my childrens differences in a loving way to thier children. I often do it myself. At least for Mike. Cait is older so now it is more self-determination on her part. I do think all children need to learn about differences.

My only thought would be to possibly educate your friend on just a slightly different way to explain it to her daughter. Not as a handicap but as a difference. That all people are different and have thier strengths and thier needs. To emphasize Kirvin's strengths and good points as a friend but also to explain that sometimes Kirvin has a hard time with playing and to come ask for some help if she is confused.

That is the way we did it with Emily and the kids about thier more autistic cousin. What are the things that he is good at. He isn't "autism". That isn't all there is to him but they do know first he is cousin and friend. But he also has a hard time with communication and needs more patience.

Renee

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 5:45pm

Absolutely be honest! Thank you for your honesty.

Like you said I'm new to all of this. I love my daughter and think she's absolutely amazing even if she's a little different from the spectrum of normal. I just don't know how to react when someone I love and I thought I understood well says something that hurts. I don't know yet what is reasonable and what isn't. That's why I had to ask you folks who have btdt already. I appreciate your help.

And to be honest...This woman is the first female RL friend I've managed to keep more than a few months in my entire adult life. I've always had male friends, but once I started staying home with Kivrin that wasn't a feasible option. On top of the learning the intricacies of Autism related social exchange I just have to learn to have a normal woman to woman social exchange. And I wonder where my daughter gets it...lol

Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 6:29pm

I hear ya on that. And then having kids who are different from the norm makes it even harder to have typical mom to mom relationships.

My guess is that she is just trying to be a good friend and probably doesn't know how to do that. I am sure she didn't mean to hurt you and was likely trying to be helpful.

I imagine it would be like having a friend who's child was just diagnosed with cancer or something. It is nothing I have never experienced. I would want to do and say the right thing but never having been in that situation, knowing the mom is really sensitive, I would try but likely I would say something wrong.

Heck, there is one friend in particular who has children with ASD. You would think I would do ok on that but in the first year after her kids were diagnosed there were at least 3 times I said things she found hurtful. I sure didn't mean it to be hurtful and infact was trying to be helpful, but it wasn't what she needed to hear at the time. I am sure this is a similar type of situation.

Renee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 8:25pm

Dear Mary,

Well, for Pete's sake, your daughter is only 3 years old. Lots of NT 3 year olds have trouble being gentle, older than 3 kids, too. This explaining of a "handicap" to her similarly aged daughter was completely unnecessary, like grandma walking with sticks, NOT. Nothing like that, the sticks analogy does not make sense, That explanantion is not going to help her daughter understand yours, her child did not need to hear that and neither did you.

Renee's idea of using "differences" is cool, I might more explain it to a young child as delay, ie. "She is learning but it is taking her longer." I would also be put off by the need of this mother to explain your daughter's rougher manner in terms of a handicap to such a young child.

Anyways, I think I would have a chat with your friend about how you feel and how uncomfortable her words made you. She needs to know, I bet she has no idea. Any good friend will be appreciative that you have shared the way her words made you feel. I would also think about sharing what you feel is more appropriate ways to talk to her daughter about your daughter...

My guess is that your friend in herself insensitive, but maybe she can learn? I hope so, good friends are important!

Good luck, let us know how things go!

Sara
ilovemalcolm

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2005
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 9:19pm
Mary,
It's funny you should bring this topic up because I just got Jake's IU evaluation results and in black and white print they say "this child has a handicap". I know they probably have to use certain words for funding etc. but I have to admit that sentence more than any other through me for a loop. I think "labels" in general are not useful and just further promote prejudice. The only thing I can say in your friends defense is at least she is trying to be understanding and trying to teach her child something about Autism and being tolerant. Yes, it seems a little silly to try and explain to a 3 year old that your child rough housing makes her different is like Sara said a little premature. My NT 4yr old niece is the queen of rough play.Your friend is probably unaware she has offended you. Maybe you could tell her you don't there is a need to explain your childs issues right now.
Teresa