venting -- annoying comments

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2004
venting -- annoying comments
12
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 10:51am

It's been a difficult week and I don't want to go into detail because it's nothing eveyone else here doesn't deal with. We all know what a rough week is, right? I work evenings so I can be available during the day and my husband can be with the kids at night. Most of the people I work with are either students or have other day jobs. I got last night off because one of the students wanted a few more hours. I thanked her and said, "I'm really looking forward to this, it's been a trying week." This OTHER woman I work with, who unfortunately has the same first name as I do -- so our supervisor wasn't sure which one of us was taking the night off and that's how she came into this scene -- is totally nosy and obnoxious. I try to avoid her as much as possible. She is in her 50's, single, and trying to adopt a child. She's working on a baby blanket while she takes calls at the center. Anyway, she pipes up and said, "Do you have another job during the day, or are you just at home with the one child who's not in school yet?" I said I'm at home. And she says, "Now, see, what is so hard about that? I think staying at home with a child would be the easiest thing in the world. Why do you find it difficult?" I am NOT kidding. What do you say to something like that??? I just stood there with a totally blank look on my face. I was actually processing that, thinking, "I MUST have heard that wrong. What did she really say???" Nope, that's what she said. She confirmed it later by asking me what, specifically, my challenges were. Fortunately, the call center got busy and I didn't have to talk to her any more.

That's actually not the first time someone has said something like this. Several members of my extended family think PDD and Asperger's are just excuses for inept parenting. I just went to see my own doctor about getting meds for adult ADD and she told me I just needed to get the kids on a schedule, tell them no (because they are not babies anymore) when they interrupt me (I have a hard time getting back to task when I'm interrupted) and find a support group with other parents who can guide me how to get my housework and chores done while I'm raising kids -- although she did agree I need a prescription (all RIGHTY then!) She's in the mental health field and has kids, too, so she was giving me parenting advice, which I didn't go there for. I was so indignant and angry when I left there. I know smoke was coming out my ears, LOL! Do you other moms hear these things or is it just me??? And do you agree with those people -- am I just really inept and not coping well? Can other mothers handle special needs kids without getting disorganized, discouraged and sometimes, yes, depressed??? I am beyond annoyed by people who feel it's their right to sit in judgment of me when I'm doing the best I can and looking for help when I need it (and am at least smart enough and not too proud to seek help). This all happened last Thursday and I'm still really PISSED OFF about it. I'm so tired of feeling judged as less than other mothers.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 12:06pm

First off, this manager sounds very difficult to work for, no matter what. AND she is coming from her own place of fantasy about what raising ANY child will be like, HA! Easy? If she does adopt, she will be in for an awakening, so to speak. But she may have genuinely been asking a question because she wants to know, what IS difficult. Maybe she, in a pushy, rude way, is trying to gether information...

But you certainly are not required to share personal information with anyone who wants to know, that is your choice. Building a tough skin is really key to raising a special needs child, although sometimes I have to say I can get pretty snappy back at people. But these boards are a GREAT place to come let off steam.

Hey, a very quick way for extended family to find out what PDD is would be to let them take care of your child for a day or 2! Of course, who wants to put the child through that! But I can't speak to the doctor, she should know better...

Anyways, ((((((HUGS))))) -- sure seem like it all happens at once, doesn't it?

yours,

Sara
ilovemalcolm

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 5:29pm

Wow, my blood was boiling just reading your post!!! (((HUGS))) from me... It sounds like a very rough end to a very rough week. I hope you're able to relax a bit this weekend!!!

I haven't had all that many comments like that, but I did have an annoying experience when I went to my OB to get a prescription for an antidepressant. She asked how I was, and what was going on at home, so I told her that my daughter had an ASD, and my son was starting to exhibit a lot of the same issues. She told me, in so many words, that she thought that autism was completely overdiagnosed, and that my kids weren't any different from any other kids, and that they were "going to be fine!" I really like my OB, but I was having a difficult time controlling my anger as I said, "I used to think that autism was overdiagnosed as well, but until you've lived with an autistic child you can't really have any idea what that means." She immediately backed off and said, "I know, I know. But Jennifer: they're going to be fine." I decided it wasn't worth the extended lecture, so I just said thank you, got my prescription, and left. I was furious, though. I mean, she's a physician, for crying out loud!!! But also, if she has no experience with autism, she shouldn't be spouting off about it like that.

Although I have to say, before I was a parent, I think I tended to be pretty judgemental about parenting. I had very exact ideas about what made a good parent, how to raise a child, etc. Experience was really the best teacher for me, and unfortunately, many people haven't had the experiences we've had...

Jennifer

Avatar for googolplex
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 7:23pm

Oh, man, I can't stand people like that! Let's hope the kid she adopts has AS, SID, ADD, and all that stuff rolled into one. Heh! heh!

Really, some people are such jerks.

Evelyn

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 7:45pm

Ya know what is scary. With an adoption situation that could very well happen and I would feel for the child if this woman was like that. I am not sure she would be terribly understanding of differences.

Often with adoptions the children are coming from a situation where they have been removed because of drug dependency, neglect, etc. Which automatically sets them up for higher risk of issues. Either way it isn't an easy situation that puts a child in a place where they need to be adopted and are at higher risk. I know/have known a number of foster and adopted children and special needs is frequently a factor.

Renee

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Avatar for littleroses
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Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 8:00pm

delete




Edited 2/19/2008 9:34 pm ET by littleroses
Avatar for googolplex
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 10:05pm

Renee,

Ya know, I thought of that when I posted, but I decided to say it anyway. LOL! You're absolutely right, though. I almost added a few lines about that, but I tend to end up writing a 25-paragraph post once I get started.

But yep, you're right, and that's really sad. Uh, I mean, it's sad about the kids who end up it that unfortunate situation. Not sad that you are right. You know what I mean. ;)

Evelyn


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 10:33pm

I know exactly what you mean. I had thought the same thing about the woman but what is really sad is that she has it all planned out on what perfect is and what happens if she doesn't have a typical child, scary.

Ummmm, LR, I will take one of those latte's. Can you get me another ASD while you are at it. OHHHHHH yeah! That was my dream when I was starting a family. "Oh honey! Maybe we will have one of those cute little autistic kids. I think I will get them diagnosed right when they are old enough"

My friend likes to say to things like that "Yeah, my biggest dream was always to have the kid who rides the short bus. ANYONE can have a kid at harvard! Lucky Me!"

Don't get me wrong. I adore my kids. They have certain qualities that they never would have had if NT. Sometimes my NT is tougher to raise because she has way more ability to manipulate. Keeps me on my toes. But, sorry, this isn't really the club I wanted to join.

Renee

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Registered: 02-20-2001
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 10:45pm
You guys make me laugh so much.

 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 11:21pm

That woman. UGH!!!!

Until she walks a mile in your shoes she has now right to question anything. How frickin dare she??!!

And that Dr... Don't even get me started!

People have a choice: Be supportive, or be judgemental. Why do SO MANY people choose the latter?

I'll never understand.

..and LR: ROFL!!

-Paula

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2006
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 11:48pm

In one of the many books I have read (I can't remember the name of it) a phrase stuck with me and when I hear of stories like that wretched woman it comes to mind....

"People who mind DON'T matter and the people who do matter DON'T mind."

Keep your chin up. Some people are better at showing their ignorance than others.

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