Sticky Thinking
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 04-17-2006 - 4:32pm |
Another post brought up the subject of sticky thinking. We experience this a lot, but I have yet to figure out how to get my kids past it. I feel like I'm TRYING to figure out the problem or help the kids figure out the problem, but it seems like a big ol' random guessing game to me. I ask them what upsets them, but they "don't know." I make as many logical guesses as I can, but I'm almost never right, and that seems to make the kids more frustrated. The kids and I just end up getting more upset with each other. The ONLY thing that SOMETIMES works for us is if the child is not already too angry, we tell jokes or use humor to get them in a good mood. Then, they'll sometimes be calm enough to let us know what the problem was.
Is there a more effective methodology, or is this as good as it gets?

How old are they? It does get better, but when they are young it's harder because they don't have as much language, experiences, etc.
I don't think there is really a more effective methodology. Humor is a GREAT way to get around the issue until you can get back to the issue. When I get them laughing I can explain that I really am trying to help them, and promise not to give up on them and tell them not to give up on me.
Kelly
You can't beat humor wth a stick.
-Paula
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
Get literal on us Paula and we will start wondering about you.
hehehehe
Even if you are right when you ask them, if they are in a sticky thinking phase they may not know you are right. THey may not be processing anything if they are on thier way to a meltdown. You can say no to something, they start getting stuck and even if you say "yes" it won't matter.
Hard to say what to do. Really depends on the individual situation at the time and being an investigator about it.
For this sometimes just giving them a break until they are calm enough to talk sometimes helps. Or the broken record approach. Only giving a couple choices.
Teaching them cognitive strategies in advance can help. We have used "Stop, Think, Make a good choice" often. Teaching them in the past how to go through these steps, what each step means, and role playing situations where they can use them. Then when they start to escalate, you can simply remind them "Stop, think, make a good choice". Sometimes that would make Mike mad and I will tell him "Remember Mike, you need to make a good choice". He knows bad choices get him in trouble and it is enough to remind him.
Stop - When you are feeling yourself get angry, just stop for a minute. Don't talk or ask to take a break. Stop everything you are doing. For example, I am mad because mom won't let me have desert.
Think - What is happening? What are my choices? If I chose this with will happen. If I choose that what will happen. ex. I am angry and I really want desert. My choices are I can demand it and yell. I will probably get into trouble and go to time out. Another choice is to wait until mom isn't looking and steal desert but she will probably find out and I will get in trouble. Another choice is to explain to her that I really want desert tonight in a calm voice and I can ask her what I can do to help and earn a treat.
Make a good choice - Which choice is most likely to get you what you want? Which is the good choice. If you still can't get desert is it a better choice to accept that and find something else enjoyable to do, or to yell and scream and get in trouble.
Hopefully this will help them cognitively work through this sticky thinking.
Renee
What I usually do with Nathan, is wait til he's calm. It does take longer to get to the end of the whole situation, but it's the only way I can get an answer from him.....that's accurate. Some situations can be done with rather quickly. But other situations, especially the ones where someone gets hurt, he's screaming or crying, and I can't make heads or tails about what had just happened---those instances take longer. I just drop what I'm doing, and work on getting him calmed down first.
His older brother, Tyler, can also tell me what has occurred if I wasn't in the room. So this helps alot. But if I'm trying to figure out how Nathan is feeling, if something is wrong, if he's upset about something...I DO have to wait til he's calm enough to find the words to tell me. And this can take awhile. Sometimes he'll just sit there, or he'll go round and round about different topics. The quieter the room, the more focused he can become as well.
HTH,
michelle
(waves wand majestically in the air) Sticky thinking repairo! (sparkle sparkle)
There ya go! Now if I could just get it to work for me......
Renee
Renee,
Isn't that something Harry Potter would say??? lol Or perhaps Mike? lol
michelle
caught me (snicker)
He is back at the beginning of the series again and already on book 3 again. OYE! When will it end.
He actually read "Holes" last week when we got it from the library. I had my hopes up that the obsession was waning, but alas no. HP is back.
Renee