Father Refusing to Believe Diagnosis
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| Fri, 08-31-2007 - 12:00pm |
Hi All!
I'm a divorced mom. My son Dominic has asperger's, SI dysfunction and dyspraxia. I've had him in services since he was 16 months through Early intervention. He will be 9 in November. This is his first year with an ABA Tech. He is progressing nicely academically, but socially and with all the components of interacting with peers of course he is not doing so great.
Anyhow, I've been divorced from his dad for a few years now. Before the divorce his dad refused to accept the diagnosis. Well, at the end of year team meeting there were 8 adults other than his parents in the room talking about my son's best interest and there seemed to be a GLIMMER that he was beginning to click with it.
Recently someone posted a link to Richard Bolster's website for the autism awareness buttons and magnets, etc. I purchased quite a few things. The first thing my ex said when he picked up my boys is that he was going to throw out the two car magnets I bought. (One said autism awareness, the other I love my child with asperger's). Then I got one of those litte red medic tags (it's tiny, about the size of a quarter), and on the back it says something like "I have autism and may not respond to verbal commands". Part of the reason I liked this was that it was small enough not to stand out, but large enough for an adult to notice if need be. (He is able to speak but in anxiety ridden times he kind of glasses over!).
We live at the bottom of the school driveway and on the days I work (mon, tues, weds) my son goes to extended day at the school, the other two days (thurs, fri) he is a "front door walker" and walks down the hill to our house. There have been a handful of occassions where he started off in the right line, but wandered to the front door walker line and ended up standing at our front door alone. They have always gotten to him within a few minutes (as long as it takes for the front door walkers to get down the hill, and then they do the extended day kids and check in). But there has been 2 occassions where the crossing guard has asked him if it was his day to walk home and he just stood there looking at her. Thankfully she knows our situation, but sometimes she is not there. So on the first day of school I asked him if he'd be interested in putting it on his backpack and he was excited. Obviously his dad was a "jerk" and stomped his feet in front of him about it, etc. Of course, dad was picking him up that day and took it off and won't give it back.
During the conversation to get it back, he referred to me as 'mentally retarded', nice... he pointed out that my son's only problem is me and my retardedness. he also pointed out if I weren't such a pushy "b" that they wouldn't have diagnosed my son but it was to just shut me up (hmm... right! schools do that all the time!). I told him that I speak openly with my son about his asperger's (and I do at an age appropriate level)... we're trying to socialize him and it helps if he can say hey, I have something called asperger's and it makes me uncomfortable if it's loud or there is a lot of new people. We social script a lot (even now) and I don't want my son's "TITLE" to handicap him. He's excited to meet others with autism (that's awesome, he says!). perhaps I'm too verbal about it, but it's important to me for him to be self-aware and not be embarrassed by a "title". I told my ex that making our son ashamed of something isn't going to help his low self-esteem. Or telling him he doesn't have it (your mom just says that, there's nothing wrong with you.. and YES he has told our son that!)
My SO says he just seems to be in complete denial still and while he doesn't understand HOW my ex can't see our son's issue, he somewhat understands being unable to accept it. But I think if his dad is unwilling to accept it, then that only handicaps our son more. My partner and I live together and are raising our kids together. In every way he raises our kids (this morning, my ex said he does a great job raising our kids, you should try to help him with that. JERK. Notice he doesn't say HE needs to help raising them either nor does he show up to most of the meetings, or any doctor appointments or anything and he lives 5 minutes from us).
I'm just venting. I don't know what I'm looking for. But after 8 solid years of struggling to get my son's needs meet ALONE for the most part and doing all the therapies alone and going to all the doctors alone and paying for it all on top of it alone I just need a fricking break from his stupidity. This whole stupid fight turned into give me back my thing or the kids aren't going with your family this weekend. It escalated (in terms of the "consequences" not loudness) to this point. My SO thinks he threw it away and he's just being stubborn because he doesn't want to say that.
Thanks for listening. I just needed to get that out before I pulled the rest of my hair out and ruined my time with our younger son because he's a bone head.
Nicole

Nicole,
Hi Candes:
Thanks for the reply. You know, with something like a 60% divorce rate among families with an autistic child, I'm surprised I don't run across these types of posts more often. Maybe that's an old number or something! lol...
I appreciate the invite, and very well may take you up on it!
Best,
Nicole
Oh Nicole, I am so sorry you're going through this. It simply rots. (Hey now, there's a term I haven't used in years.) I don't have any great words of wisdom because honestly, there's no real wisdom for situations like these. Your XH is being a and your son is getting the raw end of the deal.
What I can say is kudos to you for all you're doing to help your son. If he's anything like our ten year old, knowing that he was different for a reason, rather than just being an outcast, was the best knowledge I could ever impart on him. Our son is now rather proud of being an aspie!
Keep your chin up and, honestly, living in The Hole is much better than you'd ever imagine. Good food, good company, and who cares if the joint gets cleaned up or not?!?!?
Amy
who wishes to request some more white wine, please
i had to look at the signature on the original post to make sure that i hadn't sent this post! i feel your pain. xh told a psych "if mother was a better parent then none of this would have happened". yep it's all my fault. that's on the days that xh admits anything is wrong. some days he denies anything is not right with his son.
hang in there.you're doing the right things for your child.
frozen mudslides for everyone on this last weekend of summer!
Thank you everyone for the support! i'm just feeling overwhelmed with annoyance at this point. at least my son had a great start to the first week of school. I have that!
Nicole