What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2005
What would you do?
5
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 4:07am

I've posted on here before about the fact that DS has a VERY mild case of Aspereger's and SID. Very mild. He is so smart and very, very sensitive.

We are scheduled to have the big meeting this week with his teachers and other school staff. We are worried that this could do more harm than good. I so don't want DS to think we think he isn't smart or that there is something wrong with him. The school psych said he'll assess him over several days for an hour or two at a time. This is just killing me.

If he were more severe then I wouldn't hesitate and maybe he wouldn't be as aware of what was going on (maybe I'm wrong on this?). But, he is going to think that we think he is mentally retarded or ill somehow.

He's fine in the classroom (academically and behaviorally), but he exhibits other Asp. characteristics on the playground. Nothing major, but the jumping /hand flapping COULD be major. Make sense? His fine and gross motor schools need work and I feel kids will start to notice that he is not super skilled in athletics (he can hit a ball far, but running is rough).

I'm so afraid we're going to ruin him! He's super neat and so incredibly witty for 7 yrs. Kids are smart. When I was 4 my brother asked my mom why I walked on my tippy toes. She said it was psychological. I never forgot that and it always bothered me.

I just want to cry. Because his case is so mild I realize that this is the kind of kid who could slip between the cracks. I don't want that to happen either.

What would you do and how would you tell him? The school psych said to tell him that he's going to talk to the Dr. so we can help him do better in school. He's doing just fine in school!! Am I making any sense?

Thanks for letting me vent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 10:56am

Oh I didn't read this one first. I misunderstood your last post. I thought you DEFINITELY wanted evaluations.

There are a couple things you can do and I would definitely go for accomodations first before full testing.

1) observations. The OT and Psychologist can do observations on the playground and in class. There is no reason for him to know they are there for him. They can talk to you, his teachers, etc and from that perhaps come up with some good ideas to help him without going for a full IEP. Collaboration and communication are key.

2)There are supports and such he can get and he doesn't need to be singled out. They can do a "lunch bunch" or something similar. Some sort of play or social group with a group of kids that he can be part of where they work on these skills. Many schools will have something like this for children who are a bit quirky or having a tough time but aren't on IEPs. It isn't just the IEP kids or AS kids who have a hard time socially in the first few years of school. MANY MANY kids do.

3) Consulting through an OT or online research. There are many things you can do at home to help his coordination, sensory and writing skills. Many of them are darn fun! For instance swimming! Practice dribbling a ball with one hand, then with both hands going back and forth. Put him in something like Karate.

4) Theory of multiple intellegences. Not all kids are meant to be athletes. We all have our strengths and "area of intellegence". It sounds like your son has many. In our world it seems all kids have to be in sports as kids. This is not true. There are many other activities he can participate in and feel really good about being really good. Acting is AWESOME! If you can find a children's theater group in your area I bet he would just shine! You should SEE the quirky kids that go into that. Science groups and camps, etc.

Most kids are not super skilled in athletics. If he finds a group where he has some interests and strengths in common then he will just shine. Who cares if the jocks are being jocks. It takes all kinds of people to make the world interesting.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 11:13am

I am not sure how to answer this question, because I don't think I have ever been aked it before. Usually we get parents here with a mildly impacted child who are fighting with the school to get services. It seems to me that you want to fight with the school NOT to get services, and I have no experience with that.


Have you asked the school for specifics at to why they want to evaluate him?


You seem concerned that he will be labelled and impacted by the label, if any. IMHO the only way he will be negatively impacted, is if you allow that to happen. Kids take their lead from their mom. Just as you were

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2007
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 1:42pm

Well I can relate very well to your story. My son has always been quirky. Except for us he is having lots of problems already in his 5 short weeks of kinder. We also have our child study team meeting coming up. We already are coming in though with a diagnosis from our behavioral pedi. I felt the same way since we had to take him 3 times and she talked with him and we talked about him, I felt bad, but it had to be done. Luckily he was so much into his own world, he didn't seem affected at all by the appointments. Honestly he didn't even seem to realize what we were talking about. Though I try to keep conversations about him in private.

I also can relate to what you are saying where a childhood comment affected you. I was also known as a "spaz" and it did always leave a twinge of pain. Even now everyone thinks I am odd. Like my extended family doesn't get why I never want to go to all these social gatherings or things like that. I just tell people this is the way I am, get over it. Haha. I basically think my dad has Aspergers and I have a lot of traits too.

Ok back to your post. I think if you feel he might need help, then seek it out. I know what you mean being scared about the phycologist talking with him, but your child won't know who he is. Also from what I have seen with my pedi, the questions they ask are just normal ones. The professional knows what to look for, but the child thinks he is just having a conversation.

I am not too big into observing. Two different people observed Chad and they both only were there for 15-20 minutes during class. One thought his main issue was ODD and the other one I didn't talk to, but from the teacher I got the same feeling, like they were focusing on his negative behaviors. I thought it was a waste personally. Even his teacher agreed with me, which was a relief. You can ask your teacher to take notes. Chad's teacher took awesome notes( and filled out a scale) for our pedi after him only being in the room for 3 weeks at the time. She really picked up on everything, it was amazing how close her notes were to what we have been having issues with. So I guess what I am saying is she can jot down anything she notices and then you guys can see if there are issues that could be causing problems. You could even ask her too look for anything, like does he hand flap in class etc...

Ok I think I gotten off topic, I am not even sure what to say exactly since I am new to this also. I think once you go to that team meeting you will have more of an idea of what you want to do.

We actually almost pulled my son out of public school because we really don't think it is the right environment and felt his quirks have gotten worse, but since he has a dx the teacher said to wait until the meeting and see what they can offer and things will go faster. The good thing is the afternoon k teacher's son has an IEP and she seems helpful. Like she wispered to me, " pay for a advocate." haha

I know how you feel about being torn on what you should do. I sometimes think is all of this labeling etc..going to help, but then each time he comes home from school saying he made "bad choices," or the teachers are wondering why is is repeating rules to other kids at random times, or when he just starts talking about his interest, Transformers in the middle of everyone else singing, I realize it needs to be done.

So dont' worry even if your son has an official diagnosis or not of something, he will still be the same son he always was to you :) The label doesn't make any difference.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 5:36pm

I think having an evaluation is actually a good thing, both so you know for sure what your ds is dealing with and so any necessary accommodations can be put into place for him.

My 8yo ds and 12yo dd both have mild AS. Even though we just got formal dx this year, we have known for a LONG time that they were "off." They did well academically and behaved in the classroom, so to many people, our getting a dx was not necessary. However, there were insidious things that were becoming bigger issues as the kids got older and didn't have accommodations. Even little things like ds not having anyone to play with at recess were remedied when the teachers knew that ds needed help pairing off at recess. Having such simple helps available makes a huge difference to the kids.

Kids know when they're different. I think it provides relief to them to know WHY they're different. My kids know a teen in our area who is blind and have friends with parents who are deaf, so understanding that people are born different ways is something they fully understand, accept and don't shy away from. My kids know that AS is something they were born with and that it makes them extra super smart (like Bill Gates) but that it also makes other things hard for them (like handwriting). My kids know that AS is not an excuse for anything. Our blind neighbor boy can swim, has toured with a singing group, etc. Being born with challenges just means they need to work a little harder but they can still do anything they want. Some of the best computer minds are people with AS.

We LOVED the book "All Cats Have Asperger's Syndrome" by Kathy Hoopman. It explains some of the differences -- strengths and challenges -- in a cute, simple way that kids enjoy.

As the others have said, your ds will take his cues from you. He will only find this disorder to be as embarrassing as you make him feel it is, as your mother did with you. Since ASD and other disorders are becoming so prevalent, you will probably encounter other children with similar challenges which should help you feel less alone and unsettled by this possible diagnosis.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 4:37am
Around here alot of the interventions done in the younger grades are pretty invisible to the kids themselves. The social skills group mixes kids with needs and NT kids together and they play board games. The games focus on skills like sharing, taking turns, winning and losing etc. They really don't feel singled out because it's done in a fun way. I agree that at least having the evaluation lets you know where you stand. Even the evals are done in a fun way (at least my son's was). Also, while things might be easy right now, some issues may come up down the road that your son requires some assistance with. My son was also an early reader and did very well in the younger grades. But like many kids with AS, as he moved toward third and fourth grade reading comprehension became more of an issue. The whole theory of mind thing makes inferring and predicting a bit tricky.