Discipline

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2006
Discipline
5
Mon, 02-11-2008 - 10:29pm

How do you set limits, boundaries and enforce consequences with your kids with ASDs? It doesn't seem like the regular strategies apply very well when used with my dd. She's high functioning and does many things quite on purpose - refusing to help clean up toys, being mean to her brother, not following directions or listening to instructions (this can be dangerous if I'm trying to direct her around something dangerous).

Time-outs are a joke to her - she enjoys the time alone I think (or she just spits all over the baby gate near the stairs where she has the time-out. You can't take toys or anything away because she isn't attached to anything enough to care if you take it away. Offering up stuff seems like a bribe. We've tried the whole "first/then" approach and more often than not, she'll decide she doesn't care if the "then" part happens. We've tried star charts for good behavior and even that doesn't work as a motivator if she doesn't want to do whatever it is we're asking.

Tonight, we tried using her big fixation with the WonderPets by talking about teamwork as we all worked as a family to clean up after dinner. My dh was in the living room with her and my son and kept talking about the WonderPets and teamwork and she picked up her toys with him and I kept encouraging her from the kitchen as I cleaned in there. It seemed to work but it took a lot of work. Is that what we have to do each time with everything?

I'm feeling pretty inept lately with all this. Unimaginative, unable to think outside of the box, short-fused, etc. I can read a good parenting book just like the next person and apply it's strategies well (I see it working in my younger son nicely). I just haven't the first idea what to do with my dd at every turn and I feel like I'm failing her in so many ways right now. I'm sorry this turned to venting - I really just wanted to see what other people did so I could give my brain a jump start into thinking outside of my apparently narrowly drawn walls. :)

Thanks!

Laura
Isabella 1-4-05
Bryan 12-9-06

Laura Isabella 1-4-05 Bryan 12-9-06
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
In reply to: jeisbren
Mon, 02-11-2008 - 10:51pm

Hi Laura,


Vent away my dear!


I'm gonna tell ya, if I could figure out discipline I could tell you in a heartbeat, but I still struggle with it because my son is like your dd.

Avatar for chowderheadmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
In reply to: jeisbren
Tue, 02-12-2008 - 1:00am

I have to agree with Lainie. And I too wish there was a magic cure.

It's kind of like a double curse at times - they're incredibly gifted and know how to outsmart us, and we need to keep ideas fresh and exciting, which is why sticker charts don't work for very long with most of the Aspie kids we know.

Sometimes I feel like I've tried EVERYTHING and still get nowhere. I hate to hover, but hover I must. I do 10 or 15-minute checks on both my kids to keep them motivated. I don't nag anymore.

Basically the one thing I've started over again (used to do a long time ago but have to get back in the hang of it) is "you don't get snack until your backpack and coat are hung up." (They toss everything as soon as they get in the door and hit the kitchen immediately. Their backpack and coat hooks are right there in the kitchen!) So no snack until that's done. Period. (I did have to become Snack Monger and enforce it. Left to their own devices, they'll just leave their stuff all over.) We talk about their day as soon as they get in the door and I do "backpack check" (they hang it up and hand over their folders), and then they get snack.

And before bed, "If I have to pick it up, it gets thrown out." Now my Aspie learned a hard lesson yesterday. She earned money. We took her to the Dollar Store. She got a notebook that had some hair ties in with it. She left the hair ties on the living room floor. I told her "if I pick it up, I throw it out." She didn't. I did. She cried. That's life. I reminded her of the rule before I did it. I reminded her of the rule after I did it. I asked her how she liked throwing her hard-earned money away. (Of course she got me on a technicality. "I didn't throw it away, mom. YOU did." LOL! Stinker.)

Seriously though - lots of positive reinforcement here, too. But I don't overlook the rule breaking because of "her condition" (I've heard that many times!)...we do the best we can and pick our battles, as we would with any child.

Don't forget time for you. The hardest part for me is not letting her push my buttons or feeling like a failure when they don't obey. I had to come to realize those are MY hangups and not theirs.

Good luck. ((HUGS))



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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2006
In reply to: jeisbren
Tue, 02-12-2008 - 7:52am
I could have written your post!!!! He doesn't care about anything. We have recently had problems with him dumping the lotion (which we thought was high enough for him not to get) and powder and he has been destoying the blinds in his room and I just don't know what to do. I am cashed out of energy, patience and ideas. I am sorry I have nothing to offer except sympathy and support.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: jeisbren
Tue, 02-12-2008 - 8:41am

You've heard it many times but I'll say it again...3 is a really hard age.

                                

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
In reply to: jeisbren
Tue, 02-12-2008 - 3:47pm

Laura


- Christina mom to-

Chloe (10)    Aiden(8)