Newbie, maybe

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2004
Newbie, maybe
7
Wed, 02-27-2008 - 2:12am

Hi there,
I hope this isn't the right place for me, but if it is, I'm glad you're here! My DS's preschool teachers have suggested he get tested, since he has a bunch of "red flags". I have sent the paperwork in to the clinic and we are awaiting to get on their schedule, hopefully in April.
DS is 5, in pre-K. Most of the people I have told about the 'red flags' seem surprised at the idea that DS may not be 'typically developing'. Maybe they are just trying to be supportive.
Anyway, one challenge he does have that I would like some advice with is teaching him when it's ok to approach someone, and work more on personal space issues. He can easily recognize how others are feeling, (something I've read Aspergers have trouble with) but he doesn't seem to know, despite being told, to wait to start speaking to someone who is speaking, or obviously busy where conversation wouldn't be appropriate right at the moment. He'll just run right up and start talking, or burst into a classroom, or group at the playground etc, where something is going on and totally interrupt the group with something completely unrelated, usually some Big Idea he has, LOL. He doesn't stop to listen/look at what is happening and try to fit in with what's going on.

Today his teachers had to call me because he spit on his classmate. This is the second time he's ever done that, and the last time was about a month ago. The classmate was going to the bathroom (at the urinal, I am guessing) and DS went over and spit on him. The teachers didn't observe it, but I think, knowing the other boy, who is a friend and they goof around a lot together, DS was trying to get his attention and wasn't, so the spitting was trying to get his attention. I don't know what normal bathroom behavior for boys is, but I think it's kinda inappropriate to approach someone while they are peeing, to get them to play around with you. I guess that might be actually kinda normal, but obviously the spitting isn't.

So my question is, how do you work with your child to learn about appropriately approaching someone else in conversation, observing what is going on in a group and figuring out how to participate/not be disruptive? Are there any books or videos that you've used that seem to help? I've tried to tell him but it just seems to go nowhere.

Thanks very much!

Elaine
mom to Logan, 5; Ethan, 3; Miranda, 9 months

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2004
In reply to: laineypc
Wed, 02-27-2008 - 5:10am

Dear Elaine,


Welcome!


I hope you enjoy it here and get a lot of support and information.


Many parents here go through a continual process of trying to figure out what "it" is that is going on with their child(ren) and having moments of "aha!" or thoughts like, "no, that isn't quite it...." when getting theories and diagnosis for their children. Many parents have had various professionals contradict each other about what "it" is, which can be frustrating.


I eventually got to the point where I no longer cared what "it" was called, I just want the right environment for my children in school, and I want to do the right things for them at home.


It looks like you agree, since you are already asking what to do about something, rather than focusing on what it is called.


So your little guy is trying to make friends by spitting? The best suggestion I can give about things like trying to teach new skills with a tool called "social stories." Google it.


My son's social worker made my older guy's first one about Mommy not always picking him up in the car he wished for, and it still being okay. It sounds silly, but it was a very serious issue for my son at the time, and this really helped.


Both of my children are very visual, so if I want to teach them a sequence of behaviors, I draw it in a vertical line going down. For my older guy, I use words. For example, this is what I did when I was on my way with my 6 year old aspie to see a friend of mine we call an aunt. (She was aware of the set-up, and interested in trying to teach this to my son, too.) We knew that he would

APOV on Autism
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2008
In reply to: laineypc
Wed, 02-27-2008 - 7:44am

Hi and welcome to the board!


the only suggestion I have for you is social stories - which Sydney has given you some pointers on. They didn't actually work terribly well for my DS but I know they can be very effective. I struggle with how to teach DS things that I never remember learning, conciously, myself - how do you teach someone how to play appropriately when you yourself just did it instinctively? But I know that when learning to drive I wasn't an 'instinctive' driver and I had to learn, very methodically, how the car worked in order to understand what I was doing, and I think it can be like that with AS kids. Giving very structured explanations for the actions that are expected helps my DS a lot - so, not just, please do x, but please do x because it leads to y and z, or because otherwise a and b might happen, and why a and b would be a bad thing.... I also found that appealing to his empathy didn't work (because it will make X feel sad) because he got very very logical about it all and said 'but it doesn't make *me* feel sad so why would it make X feel sad') but explaining that different people react in different ways, and why other people's feelings are important and as real as his, helped a lot.


hth


Kirsty, mum to Euan (9, Asperger's) Rohan (5, NT) and Maeve (2, NT)


"My definition of housework is to sweep the room with a glance"


Follow my blog on http://mumsnet.com/blogs/kirsteinr/


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
In reply to: laineypc
Wed, 02-27-2008 - 12:01pm

Welcome Elaine!


I'm a Elaine too, but I go by Lainie.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
In reply to: laineypc
Wed, 02-27-2008 - 1:49pm
I know getting calls from school isn't fun, but I just have to relate a similar incident with my son,


Mollie Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
In reply to: laineypc
Wed, 02-27-2008 - 2:26pm
LOL!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
In reply to: laineypc
Wed, 02-27-2008 - 5:54pm

Hello Elaine and welcome.

The whole social interaction thing is very difficult, because although there are some rules, there are a lot of exceptions, and it can get very confusing for a kid (any kid). The best way to work on something like this is to work on ONE thing at a time: like approaching a kid in (say) the playground or how to approach a kid in the bathroom (or not), and build on each lesson.

I hope this helps.

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2004
In reply to: laineypc
Thu, 02-28-2008 - 10:51am

Thanks, Paula- and to everyone who responded, I can tell you are an awesome bunch of people. I am determined that whatever happens I'm not going to let any labels that might be given define him. Lately I get why "Aspies" advocates want to be taken as different rather than disordered. I think a lot of my son's "differences" are interesting, wonderful things that he isn't distressed by.

Your response is what I was contemplating last night. It makes a lot of sense. Today when we go in to school I'm going to pull him aside before he goes in and ask him what Teacher Bobbie is doing right now and if now is a good time to talk to her, and take it from there. We'll tackle the classroom environment the same way next week if all goes well.

One cool thing is that he does seem able to get the abstract concepts and generalize them to other situations. At his Aikido class they do these animal cards, each animal has a special "power"- swan power is "grace under disappointment". He told me a scenario the teacher used, and then he told me how he used the swan power in another unrelated, actual situation with me. I was SOOO impressed.

Elaine