Does the pity annoy you?
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| Tue, 04-08-2008 - 9:04am |
I'm trying to get my head around why this annoyed me so much....
Was just talking to one of my students about the problems of juggling work and family (ie she's late on one of her deadlines...:-) and I mentioned in passing that I wrote my PhD on maternity leave because my baby was so 'good' (and, as it turns out, that should have been a 'red flag' for autism) that I had plenty of time on my hands...anyway, as soon as she heard the word 'autism' she went into full-on pity mode. 'Oh I'm so sorry'....etc And really narked me (it always does....). I get this a lot, particularly from the 'caring' professions (some of my students are social workers and nurses) and I suppose I should be grateful that they care, but I don't really feel grateful, I don't really want their pity!
Does anyone else feel this way? I guess it makes me feel defensive of DS1. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for us, or him, because I think he's pretty fantastic the way he is, Asperger's and all, and pity implies that this is some kind of tragedy. I can't ever think of my son as a tragedy. He's tough to parent, at times, because I still struggle to 'get' his universe, and he'll struggle at times because the world isn't quite organised according to his needs, but I still don't think that makes us deserving of pity.
How do you guys feel when you encounter people's pity?
Kirsty, mum to Euan (9, Asperger's) Rohan (5, NT) and Maeve (2, NT)

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I guess I can't really answer because I don't recall anyone giving me any pity,lol.
I think people mean well, but don't know what to say. The word 'autism' covers a wide spectrum and she may have been thinking that your son was more involved than he is, not that the pity would have sat any better. People who don't live this life don't understand it - the grind, the joy, the ups and downs of it - so they say the first thing that comes to mind. I shrug it off most of the time. Just my way of dealing with it.
Andrea
Graham
Miles
Anson
Almost as soon as I finished typing it occurred to me that if no-one felt any pity for DS1 or us we'd never get any help or support at all. So I maybe should be grateful for the pity...but I can't help but think, I'd prefer rights to charity.
Kirsty
The pity doesn't bother me because my kids have come up with some great lines to "combat" the pity.
Bryanna was born on Sept 11, 1997 and so since she was 4 years old, anytime someone found out when she was born they would say "Poor dear". Her answer to this finally got to be "Why? Those people in the tower died on my birthday. I wasn't born on the day they died." This tended to shut up the pity takers quickly and would make me smile.
Victor hears people say "poor dear" to him and again he says "WHY? I'm just like you. I just think differently."
Since my kids don't want their pity, I don't let it bother me. As you said without their pity, our kids wouldn't be getting the services they need.
I'm with you, Kirsty...the pity drives me insane.
I feel pretty odd about the pity too.
"Does the pity annoy you?"
It's less the pity that bothers me, more the assumption that I might need or want pity. Or that I am stressed by my kids special needs (I'm not) or that I "have my hands full" (no more than most) or I would change my kids at all if given the chance (I would rather change some of their friends and programs ;) ).
I basically hate when anyone presumes to know me or my wants tolerances and needs. They haven't a clue who I am and it would take them a long time to learn.
Had an interesting reaction in the optician today. We were trying to fit Peter for new glasses and he was being goofy and trying to "April fool" me (a week too late). We were laughing and goofing but I had to keep redirecting him. The woman made a joke about him being a comedian, and I agreeed. Later I made some quip about DH along the lines that Pete is probably not the first Autistic in the family. Well, that girl stared hard at him for about a minute. I wanted to say. "Yes. that's what an Autistic looks like. Just like everyone else". But I kept my mouth shut and we left. I think I exploded some myths for her today and I am always happy to do that.
-Paula
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
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