How do you get past the anger?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
How do you get past the anger?
13
Fri, 04-18-2008 - 8:17am

How did all you BTDT get past the anger of NT kids development?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Fri, 04-18-2008 - 9:29am

I separated myself from "NT world" and immersed myself in "our" world.

It's probably not the best answer but that is pretty much what I did. I much preferred special needs parents and special needs kids. They "got" us whereas the pushy, snobby competitive (around here) "typical" families did not.

-Paula


visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Fri, 04-18-2008 - 9:55am

Paula, I was beginning to wonder if that is my only option.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 04-18-2008 - 12:17pm

I opted out of the NT sphere too.

                                

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2006
Fri, 04-18-2008 - 3:20pm
I was almost in tears reading your post. Because I am there too. I have had people ask me if younger ds who is NT makes me sad about Rece. But it has actually done the opposite for me. I mean yes it is sad that Carmine is crawling downstairs like a pro and Rece just learned to do that about 5 or 6 months ago. But I appreciate so much the little milestones that Carmine reaches now much more than I would of had I not had Rece. I was almost crying when I went to a second birthday party in February which means Rece was just over 3. The boy turning 2 was sitting so nicely eating his cake with a fork and barely making a mess. I just couldn't help but to think to myself that Rece can't even do that now and he is 13 months older. I don't have much helpful advice but I understand. You are not alone in this feeling. I am lucky that I have a few VERY supportive friends, one of which is a special needs preschool teacher. She doesn't have kids yet but I know when she does she will still be there and be just as understanding. I do think it is key to find people who understand and can relate but also just support you even if they can't quite relate.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Fri, 04-18-2008 - 4:20pm

I'm not sure if you ever get completely past the anger. I think that dealing with autism or any dx is sorta like the grieving process. You go through sadness, denial, anger and then it all seems to start all over again. Just when I think I've accepted asd in our life, I will be around a group of kids younger than Lily and it will hit me all over again that she is still so far behind. It's really hard to not compare our kids to other people's children. I'm also bad about comparing Lily to what her older sister could do at various ages. I have to constantly remind myself that she has made great progress and that I should never underestimate her. Lily still has problems with utensils, so I know how frustrating that can be. It seems like there's more food on the floor and table than gets into her mouth. Most of the time, she drops the utensil and just starts using her hands, and she's 5.5 yrs old. It doesn't bother her in the least, but it drives me nuts! I hope that it helps to know that you're not alone in feeling anger around parents of NT kids. If asd has taught me one thing, it's that I was so naive about my older child's development. I just thought that kids learned to do things when they were supposed to. I had no clue that it isn't always that way. Sending hugs your way ((())).

Amy~Natalie & Lily's mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Fri, 04-18-2008 - 5:24pm

More ((((((hugs))))))

I have always found this hard myself. There are several friends that I really just eventually dropped, because they didn't want to hear about my situation and they really only wanted to talk about the many wonderful accomplishments of their own kids ad nauseum. OK, they just didn't get it. Fortunately, I do have wonderful siblings who are generous and understanding, with great kids who are also wonderful friends/cousins with my son. I also still have other friends from before I became a mom, who have learned how to be "aunts" and "uncles", a few who also have cool kids, and for the most part, these are my son's NT friends.

I also jumped in fully to the special needs world, the most powerful place to be and where my son is not alone, but here has great great friends. These friends are also the ones he has made the most social strides with, together they are closer to the same place developmentally and therefore allowing each other to grow, experiment, fight, play, communicate. Modeling from NTs does help my son with how to behave, but I believe his best learning has really come from his friendships with other special needs kids!!!

Does the anger ever go away? It hasn't completely gone for me, but I am too busy raising my 10 year old, hanging out with our many friends, etc. to spend too much time worrying about it now. And when he does have run-ins with the "Typical" world, where I see clearly how far behind he is, I try to take a big chill-pill in terms of my reaction and see if I can either 1) turn it into a teaching moment, or 2) ignore it and remember how much I love my son.

BTW, those conversations and thoughts about what he will be when he is older? I get those from ds and have for some years, ds is 10 and behind, but still developing. And those conversations are SO precious, I thrill so when he shares deep thoughts and hopes and dreams!!!!

((((((hugs)))))) again,

Sara

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2005
Fri, 04-18-2008 - 7:49pm

Hi Ginny,


I really understand how you feel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Fri, 04-18-2008 - 9:22pm

While my 10 yr old dd is a rather mildly affected Aspie, she has learning problems and is quirky as all get-out!


 


Mich

Avatar for betz67
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-18-2008 - 10:01pm

((((HUGS)))) it's a grieving process-- you go back and forth and all around w/ sadness, anger, guilt, peace and more emotions.

I'm in a rather different situation because I have many children. I have NT kids, I have an ASD kid, I have quirky kids, I have an LD kid, I have ADD and ADHD kids. 3 on IEPs and 2 in gifted classes. I can't tune out or leave any of those worlds. I have really learned to appreciate my kids for who and what they are. I have surrounded myself w/ friends that are fun and reasonably thoughtful and willing to at least try to understand. In my real life circle of friends: I have a friend w/ a child w/ dyslexia, an NT kid and who lost a infant to a genetic birth defect. I have another friend who has not children but is a teacher and lovely auntie to my kids. I have a friend who has lost many pregnancies and when she finally carried at baby to term she had a birth defect and lived 73 days, they're now trying to adopt a child. I have a friend w/ 3 great NT kids. A friend w/ one brilliant NT DD and one classically autistic son. A friend w/ 2 kids (5 & 7) who says, "well, ya just don't know if they're smart or normal or what yet, we'll just have to wait and see". One friend w/ a child w/ severe anxiety issues and another NT dd. One dear friend who is a cancer survivor and her only DD is a childhood cancer survivor. a friend w/ a great son in college, 2 perfectly NT grade schoolers but lost a child w/ downs syndrome. Another dear friend who is fighting breast cancer for the 2nd time right now w/ 2 nt dds. I have several friends that I'll never be very close to that are rather full of themselves and their kids-- I can always get rides for my kids or yack about the weather w/ them-- but don't get emotionally involved. I've learned that some people are close connections and others just aren't.

I try not to spend all my friend time dwelling on my kids' issues. I try to keep some 'me' in my friend time, which helps me keep a perspective on where my life is and where I'm going. I talk about my kids and their issues and so do my friends, but we have so much more in common than just our children (maybe that's why some of the message boards here w/ just kids the same age aren't really a good fit for us). I'm just really pretty settled in where my kids are and look at the NT parents and feel sorry that they have to look for things to worry about instead of celebrating where their children are. I've learned that 'my' ambitions for my children are wasted and I really must learn to work for what my kids need in the here and now and plan for an open future.

I rarely even compare my kids except to say, "wow, you're really good at X, your brother is really good at Y, maybe you can help him w/ that and he can help you w/ this. Or we laugh at our bad traits and celebrate our good ones. Having an autistic child and a dyslexic child have actually helped me get past my ambitions and let the kids be who and what they want and need to be.

Until about a year ago I would get sad/angry about other kids, but it's really just wasted energy for me, so I do know how you feel, but somehow at some point in the past couple of years it just came not to matter any more. I have lots of good real life friends that have been through so much (not just autism) and I think I'm the blessed one, I have my child and my health, so he mumbles and stimms and isn't aware of other people unless they're making too much noise when most kids his age are cking out the opposite sex. I have a healthy, mostly happy child, and I'm a very blessed mom!

Betsy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2008
Fri, 04-18-2008 - 10:17pm

Ginny im right there with u!! i too belong to a board who has children all the same age as my daughter, and constantly reading about the silly things they say and what not, sometime really get me down. like for instance this week Ry said "excuse me" for the first time. weve never heard her say that phrase, to parents of NT kids they might not of even noticed that , but in our house it was huge and we were showering her with praise!!


just try to remember our kiddos are just a different kind of perfect !! ;)


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