Siblings: To Add, or not to Add...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
Siblings: To Add, or not to Add...
13
Mon, 04-21-2008 - 8:07pm

that is the question...


First off, let me say I

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-21-2008 - 8:40pm

Well, you've hit on a question that I know I've struggled with.

                                

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2008
Mon, 04-21-2008 - 9:11pm

I see it this way. Keeping your license open gives you the possibility in the future, but doesn't require that you commit right now to adding another child. You may decide in the future that you don't want to go thru with it, but the option is there until you decide to let it go. So I don't see any downside to keeping it open for now until you know in your heart what you want to do.

Sorry I can't offer anymore advice than that. You have a complex situation in your hands and only you can decide what is right for you.

Best wishes

Andrea

Andrea, mom to

Graham
Miles
Anson

Andrea, mom to

Graham
Miles
Anson
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2008
Mon, 04-21-2008 - 10:36pm

Eris,


we are currently pondering the same thing.. we always wanted at least 2, but with Rylees special needs i just thought how could i ever have the energy


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2007
Mon, 04-21-2008 - 11:22pm
It is a question so many struggle with.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Tue, 04-22-2008 - 12:45pm

Eris,

I want to back up Andrea's point about renewing our lisense if only to keep the adoption option open. You don't have to *act* on it.

I do think having a sibling is very good for an ASD child. I also think having a special needs sibling is good for an NT child. But it is not a question of what is right for Bryce, it is more about what you and your DH can handle, because if you do become overwhelmed, that will be bad for everyone.

Do you have the option of short-term fostering? Maybe that will give you some idea of the stressload without a permanent comittment. I know there are flaws in this plan too. However, I am not sure what else to suggest, other than to search your heart and follow what it says.

-Paula


visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
Avatar for betz67
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-22-2008 - 3:04pm

I was going to say the same thing as Paula, if you have a foster license then is it possible to take another child for a less permanent time so you can decide if it will be right for your family?

I do think you might as well renew the license since so much would be involved in letting lapse and then having to get a new one if you decided you'd like another child. You don't really even have to think about if you'd like another child or not just keep it in case.

I have 5 children. my middle son is Dx ASD, we didn't have the Dx before the youngest was born so I didn't really have those kinds of concerns about whether to have another based on his special needs. What one child had didn't affect my decision for another child anyway. We have several special needs in our family. Each child has his or her own challenges and as parents we're here to help them. Financially some of them are more challenging than others. We've had to pick and choose therapies based on cost and distance to travel. Children w/ ASD (esp high functioning ones) mature and often their issues tho more noticeable to the public become less demanding for the parents. They gain independence-- at maybe a slower pace than their NT counterparts and begin to need less close supervision. My son is now 11. He plays well w/ his 6 yr old brother. He gets himself dressed. He does household chores. He occasionally stays by himself for half an hour.

HTH!
Betsy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2008
Wed, 04-23-2008 - 12:56pm

It occurred to me that I might have something more to say on this topic because I have three kids with needs, and we knew about Graham's high needs before hand because we were living it. Also he was receiving services since 3, so the last child was definitely conceived with full knowledge of what we were signing on for .

Would I do it again? I hesitate a little, but have to admit that I would do it again and have all three children. Having lost my mom young and having a distant father, I believe that siblings are gifts to each other, especially when they reach adulthood. I'm by no means a model mother and my children receive a certain amount of benign neglect because of the number of them and their high demands, but I have to take care of myself too and that's the price of it.

When I get old and start needing their help, I don't want it to fall on just Graham. He may not be the one able to help. And in anycase, I wouldn't want it to be just one of them alone making decisions if I'm unable to anymore. So that's my reasoning. I'm trading some of the intensity of mothering now to make certain that they aren't alone later. Even if they reach adulthood and ddon't get along, they will have each other in an emergency.

Just my 2 cents from my perspective...

HTH

Andrea, mom to

Graham
Miles
Anson

Andrea, mom to

Graham
Miles
Anson
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Wed, 04-23-2008 - 1:50pm

Since I'm almost 33 weeks pregnant, and have three other children (two w/ special needs), I guess maybe I should "chime in" on this one.

Meez 3D avatar avatars games

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2004
Wed, 04-23-2008 - 1:52pm

I would keep your foster license open, that way your options are open and you do not have to go through the long process again.


As for adding another child when you already have one that needs so much from you, obvioulsy no one can tell you what to do. I will tell you my experience though. I had my oldest before meeting my DH, we learned when he was 5yo that he had ADHD and knew before that he also had some sensory issues. We never thought twice about having a baby together because we knew we wanted a couple kids. So then we had Brayden, who started to show signs of sensory problems and autism characteristics by 2yo but we had no clue at that point. We opted to have one more baby. So now we have two older kids that have had or currently need special attention or services and then we have a 2yo that so far seems typical. My DH was adopted and we have said if we have another child we will adopt. We both have decided our plate is full with the three kids we have and their needs at the moment but we have not closed the chapter of possibly adopting one child to complete our family in a few years. It is not something that will happen anytime soon if we do decide to do it though. So I think it is up to you and your DH and what you think you can handle and what is best for you family. Some people feel overwhelmed with one typical child whereas others can take in a dozen kids with special needs and not feel overwhelmed at all... only you know what you can handle. Good Luck


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2008
Wed, 04-23-2008 - 2:56pm
thanku for everything u just said!!!!!


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