Is this an obsession caused by Autism...

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Registered: 12-29-2006
Is this an obsession caused by Autism...
8
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 7:48pm

or because she really doesn't like me, her mommy?

My dd is 3.5 yrs old. She was dx'd with HFA in February but we've known something was wrong since at least nine months old, though I noticed many sensory signs, as well as a lack of connection to me since birth. She seemed to act as if she was the only one that was there to meet her needs. She would cry but it wasn't like she was crying for someone. It was just this devastating "I'm all alone" cry. She really only had that one cry. She didn't/doesn't come to me when she's hurt or experiences any other emotion that most kids would run to their moms for. I just started going to counseling because of the intense frustration and heartbreak I have over my relationship with her and how impaired it feels.

So, regarding the obsession part...

She has a few things she's ridiculously attached to, as well as some rituals. However, in the past year or so, she seems to have developed an obsession with a particular person. It started with my little sister who lived with us for a while. I thought that desire to play with her aunt was normal. Then, it moved to my best friend who came to visit us every other weekend. Again, I thought it was the normal enjoyment of a person that showered non-stop attention on her. She didn't respond to them any better than she did me. But everything was about them. Then it was a neighbor girl who was twice her age. She came to play with my dd every day and EVERYTHING SINGLE WORD that came out of my dd's mouth was about this child. For a long time, I was elated because she had a friend. She was playing (somewhat) with another child. We moved away from that neighborhood into a new area. Last month, we met one of the families that live her and have become good friends with the woman and her 2.5 yr old dd (who is LIGHT years ahead of my dd). The little girl is a great playmate/match for my dd and I'm really happy to have this little girl modeling so much social interaction. My dd asked me "why" today for the FIRST time because of this other little girl's communication. So here's where my concern/worry/heartache comes in:

My dd is OBSESSED with this little girl's mom. EVERYTHING is about this mom, I'll call her K. My dd never asks about her little friend. It's ALWAYS about "Where is K?" "What's K doing?" "Can I play with K?" "Can we go see K?" ALL.DAY.LONG. She gets something new to play with, she wants to show K. She does something great and I get excited and praise her for it, we have to call/go see K and tell her. This woman is kind and nice but not overly playful or attentive to my dd. And my dd does not actually speak to her and will not look at her when K is around. But the second K isn't around, that's all she talks about. Not only does the constant conversation simply drive me crazy, it's breaking my heart that I'm sitting here trying to work on our relationship with my dd and build a closer bond between us, and all she can talk about is being with someone else's mommy.

At bedtime, when I tell my dd "I love you" she says "ok" or "m-hm". Though randomly during the day, when her back is turned from me, while she's engaged with a tv show or a puzzle or something, she'll blurt out "I love you mommy" which is nice. A few weeks ago though, she randomly said "I hate you mommy". I asked her to look at/toward me and repeat what she'd said (I though I heard her wrong) and she said it again with a smile on her face. Tonight, at dinner, she was flicking her fork around and I asked her to stop and she said she didn't like the dinner. I said "Well I don't like you throwing food around" and she said (with a bad attitude) "Well I don't like it!" and so I said "I don't like your attitude" and she said "I don't like you." What is going on here?

Is this at all about the autism or is it something different?

My son, btw, is 18 months old and LOVES the crud out of me. He loves to be with me, play with me, talk to me, kiss me, hug me, show me stuff, etc. He likes other people too, but his mommy ROCKS. It feels normal. Like the way all kids feel about their mom, you know? and I treat both of them the same - they were both raised the same from birth, same amount of time, attention, toys, discipline, etc.

It just feels horrible to not be close to my 3.5 year old dd and have her say these things and talk nonstop about someone else's mother.

Laura
Isabella 1-4-05
Bryan 12-9-06

Laura Isabella 1-4-05 Bryan 12-9-06
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 8:11pm

Laura,

Welcome to the board.

I don't have as much time to post on this as I would like, but I do want to chime in:
It is the Autism. It's not that she doesn't love you. You are her one and only Mommy and she loves and needs you.

I think my son was about 6 when he first said "I love you". And at that time he mumbled it from the doorway and bolted!

Some kids with Autism have a real hard time with emotion and with connection with people. I recently re-read the book "Nobody Nowhere" by Donna Williams, and she says that she connected with people mainly through their things -especially when she was very young. She couldn't make the connection to the person directly.

It could be -in her own way, that Isabella is doing something similar to you. You know, one of those convoluted Autie logic things, where she identifies with "K", so "K's" mom is identified with as you? I know it sounds strange, but that is how I see things.

Try not to take her apparent lack of connection to you personally. And please try not to let it interfere in your feelings toward her. I know it is hard. My son was waaay more attached to his Dad (or almost any man) as a tiny child. I remember he would be sitting on my lap, with his blankie, bear and bottle, all snuggly and sleepy eyed, but as soon as Daddy walked in the door and sat down. Peter would get up, take his bear and all his belongings, and stumble over to sit on Daddy. I used to break my heart, and DH felt guilty, but what can you do?

We do have a much better relationship now that he is 9. It took awhile, but over time, he started to see that Mom has some merits of her own!

(((((Hugs))))) I know it is difficult to have such an undemonstrative child, but please know that it is all about the Autism. It is so not you.

If you can pick up some books written by autistics in the library, you may find some more insights.
-Paula

-Paula


visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2006
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 8:52pm
thank you, thank you, thank you.
Laura Isabella 1-4-05 Bryan 12-9-06
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2007
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 10:47pm

Sweetie,

yup it is the autism! My oldest (8 and also hf)) acted like he was the centre of the universe (ie: his universe). Then I had ds#2 who coincidentally also has Asperger's but Cian (5 in June)is far more snuggly and interactive. Ds #1 is all about his needs, interests, (and yes I totally get the obsession with the various individuals-lately it is the neighbour's kid who is only 3).

I also went into therapy due to the disconnect and the frustration I felt due to it.

The thing is Liam (8) is very loving, however it is in his own autie way. It has taken me 8 years to see that. When he was 3.5 I thought I was living in hell on earth, and felt soooo disconnected. I thought he was a selfish, ungrateful lil brat. I thought I was the worst refridgerator Mother in the world. Btw I didn't have the dx yet, although I suspected-and even with the suspicion I still thought there was this chasm.

Now, Liam shows his affection on a daily basis, often through simple art projects. Yesterday when we BOTH melted down at the homework table, I walked away to calm down and he arrived 20 mins later with all the homework done; that was his way of saying sorry.

Having kids after Liam (one Aspie, one NT) who are more automatically affectionate has opened up my understanding of Liam....weird I know; but it has helped.

(((Hugs)))

Dee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Tue, 05-06-2008 - 7:53am

Laura,


I feel your pain so much.

Samantha
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2005
Tue, 05-06-2008 - 9:35am

Hi Laura,


As you can see, you are not alone, and as everyone said, it is the autism.

Avatar for chowderheadmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 05-06-2008 - 10:29am
((HUGS)) Hang in there.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2008
Tue, 05-06-2008 - 12:06pm

The disconnect stuff, as pp pointed out, is probably autism. As is the obssession with your neighbor.

But the "I hate you", "I don't like you" is pure 4 yo stuff. Very developmentally appropriate! My therapist used to say that "hate" was not the opposite of love, but proof of an attachment. The opposite of love is indifference . So when your DD says she hates you, she's really saying "I care about you and what you do for me". Seems perverse, but it's true.

I know it's hard raising a kid on the spectrum, but it's obvious to me that your DD really does care about you.

Hugs

Andrea, mom to

Graham
Miles
Anson

Andrea, mom to

Graham
Miles
Anson
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-06-2008 - 1:37pm

I wanted to add that I agree with the pp that the "I hate you" stuff is pretty common for kids around this age.