Saturday's Surprise: Open The Envelop...
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Saturday's Surprise: Open The Envelop...
| Sat, 03-23-2002 - 9:11am |
Saturday's Surprise: Open The Envelope (m)
Writing from a child's POV, write a short story where your two characters exchange a note.
Happy writing,
Mac

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The Valentine
“I can’t do it!” exclaimed Mary Kay as she pushed a pebble around with the tip of her white patent-leather shoe, her frock a pink taffeta lifted to perfection by her itchy petticoat, a tent over her chubby, stout legs crinkling as she shifted her weight from one leg to the other.
“You have to do it for me.” Darla pleaded taking a hold of Mary Kay’s upper arms and looking her square in the eyes.
Frightened by Darla’s response, Mary Kay looked down and saw Darla’s scuffed and worn black leather shoes; her older sister’s dress nearly touching her ankles. Mary Kay smelled the spices of Darla’s mother’s cooking that permeated her hair and clothes standing this close to her. Sometimes Darla’s energy scared her. It would just burst out of nowhere.
“Darla, I can’t go to his house my parents will kill me if they find out. No boys until I’m seventeen they said, and that’s ten years away.”
“I NEED you to deliver this Valentine to Bobby for me. How will he ever know I like him?”
“Why don’t you do it yourself?”
“NO WAY! You know I can’t do it, he’ll think I’m stupid. I’d do it for YOOOUUUU!”
“Mary Kay, you’re hurting my arms.”
“Oh, sorry. We’ll you do it?”
Mary Kay wondered why Darla picked her for a friend. Darla’s crazy. She climbes to the tops of trees, can hit a baseball farther than most of the boys in the neighborhood, and isn’t afraid to swim in MacDonald’s pond where everyone knows something creepy lurks at the bottom waiting to grab your legs and pull you under. Mary Kay preferred her dolls, reading and playing the piano.
“If you’re truly my friend, you’ll do it.”
Mary Kay remembered the discussion she’d had with her mother that morning about how a caring girl would give away her old dolls to the orphanage for the children, “It’s important to help others in need, Mary Kay.”
“Alright Darla, I’ll do it.”
Here's Mine
“Cami, wake up,” I hear Mom say as she nudges my arm.
I push my covers off and climb out of bed. I take off my pajamas and put on my white blouse then my red and gray plaid uniform skirt. Mom gives me white socks to put on while she brushes my blond hair.
“How about we put your hair into pigtails?”
“Okay, ouch, not so hard!” I say.
She pulls my blouse down, checks my skirt and hair then we go to the dining room for breakfast. I eat a bowl of cream of wheat and drink some orange juice before mom hands me my lunch pail. I put on my shoes and then she takes me to school.
I look out the window trying to see if my best friend, Theresa is waiting for me. She is so I quickly open the door and run over to her.
“Hi”
“Cami, did you see Bobby? He is so cute.”
“No, where is Joey?”
The bell rings so we walk to the classroom. I sit at the desk behind Monica and beside me sits Kelly. She’s mean and I don’t like her. I look around and see Joey and I smile. He smiles back then Sister Denise starts talking. We have to stand and say the pledge of allegiance.
“Take out your reading books, class,” I hear so I pull out the book.
“Cami, would you read the first line?”
My face gets hot but I read. I’m happy when she tells Jimmy to read. Soon it’s time for lunch so we line up and walk downstairs to the lunchroom.
Me and Theresa sit down. “Are you going to ask Joey if he likes you ?” Theresa asks.
I swallow a bite of my peanut butter and jelly sandwich before I answer, “I don’t know! Do you think he likes me?”
“You write a note to Joey and I will write a note to Bobby.”
We smile at each other then say, “Okay!”
Later that afternoon I take out a piece of paper and write: Do you like me? And I put below that a yes box and a no box. I fold it into a small square and try to figure out when I should give it to him. I remember how Theresa told me if I want him to look at me all I have to do is stare at him until he turns around. So that’s what I do and he turns around and smiles. I decide that I will give him the note when we line up to use the bathroom.
I’m nervous but I look around for the teacher then I hand it to him and that’s when I hear, “Cami, did you give a note to Joey?”
I stutter while Joey tears the note into pieces, which makes Sister Denise mad. “Joey, give me the note, now!”
He gives it to her and she puts it in her pocket. After the class goes back into the room I watch as she pulls the note out and tapes it together and reads it.
My stomach hurts then I hear, “Cami and Joey go out into the hall.”
I’m in big trouble I think as I walk out the door. Sister Denise follows us then she closes the door. I don’t remember what all she said but she gives us a good talking to but at least we didn’t get sent to the principal’s office.
My nerves finally settle just about the time the final bell rings. When mom picks me up after school and asks, “How was your day?”
I mumble, “Okay, I guess,” and pray the teacher won’t tell my parents then I smile cause I remember how Bobby whispered to me that Joey likes me.
Great job (m)
The dialogue is realistic, that's exactly how my eleven year old speaks!
The only critique I have is what happens next? Did she pull it off?
I enjoyed this....maria
Ah...I love friendship (m)
stories and yours was especially touching with its "opposites attract theme." As Maria mentioned, I wanted it to go on a little longer. When (or if) you expand it, please come back and share it with us.
Mac
Cute Story, Maria (m)
I felt Cami's nervousness! Good job with the voice in his piece. It came across with a childish feel.
Mac
Good choice of names...
Mary Kay being the one all dolled up and Darla the tomboy. I liked the imploring in the dialogue. Sounds just about right.
If you plan to lengthen this, one thing to look at is the tone in the third paragraph. The ideas of smells permeating and Darla's energy scaring Mary Kay sounds like an adult POV, whereas later narrative paragraphs (Darla's crazy, mom's admonitions about giving dolls away) sound more like a kid's POV.
Aaah, seven-year-old girls ;-)
Eyewrite
Very real...
I was in the classroom, in the itchy uniform ;-) Good details about Cami's day, getting ready for school and all the details of school, like the event of lining up to go to the bathroom.
I wonder why teachers get all bothered about kids sending notes. Because the kid isn't paying attention? Why do they care? Sorry, just thinking aloud.
I think your piece really gets going in paragraph 14: "Me and Theresa sit down. “Are you going to ask Joey if he likes you ?†Theresa asks." If you had future plans for this vignette, consider starting from there.
What happens next? Happy Sunday, Eyewrite
Thanks Mac (m)
I'll let you in on a little secret. This really happened and I still remember how I felt when that darn teacher taped the note together.lol,I think I was in third or fourth grade.
thanks for reading and your comments...Maria
Thanks Eyewrite (m)
I agree, I put too much backstory, makes you want to yawn, huh? I guess I wanted to show that she was young, a first or second grader.
I admit that in my days that I have passed some notes and even fell asleep once or twice. LOL
thanks for reading and your comments...maria
Maybe you and I went to the same Catholic School...
Good job with this assignment, Maria.
Good day~ kat
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