Saturday's Surprise : Open the Enve...

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Saturday's Surprise : Open the Enve...
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Sat, 04-06-2002 - 7:53am

Saturday's Surprise : Open the Envelope


Hi all, since Mac is away this weekend, she asked me to post this for her.

Write a short story (1000 words or less) about a pack of pictures found in a desk drawer.

Have Fun

Mac

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Avatar for jadetigerroses
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Registered: 07-01-2003
Mon, 04-08-2002 - 1:10am

Mac......(m)


thanks for you feedback. As for how I come up with these they just pop in my head or I get an odd vibe to just type. I close my eyes and the words type from my mind.

don't ask me how. LOL I don't even know that one.

Jade

Have a mystical day,

Jade

Please Pray and Support O

Avatar for countrygal23
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-08-2002 - 12:44pm

Thanks All for the helpful feedback (nt)


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Avatar for countrygal23
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-08-2002 - 1:04pm

Good start (m)


Hmmm, first let me say that I like the concept. The two povs is a bit confusing at first but I think it could work with the longer short story and the right transisition?

One question: First, why does he want out of the marriage? The nosy part of me, would like to know LOL

I like the emotion I felt, hoping that she was the adopted child and her fall brought the girl, back to her parents.

Good start and I would love to read the finished story.

Maria

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-08-2002 - 2:49pm

Awwww...


What a sweet story! Beats my proposal (we were watching the Ohio State/Michigan football game and my honey turned to me and said, "I think we should go shopping for an engagement ring." He got points for spontaneity, if nothing else.)

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Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 04-08-2002 - 4:54pm

ROFL maria, this is sooo funny.(nt)


cl-ozarker

"We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master." - Ernest Heminway

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 04-08-2002 - 10:45pm

Thanks, Jade (m)


I almost made the girl her daughter but then I thought what were the chances (realistically) that the two would end up in the same place. But thanks for being honest in that it was confusing until the second read though. I feel like I'll rewrite this piece and I need to smooth out things and make it more clear.

Thanks again,

Mac

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 04-08-2002 - 10:51pm

Thanks, Maria (m)


That is a good question. Honestly? I don’t know why he left her/ended the marriage, but one I need to find out. Thanks, you nosy thing, for asking-LOL-because I need to explain that part. I definitely need to work on the transitions and make the story clearer. I’ll keep you posted on the final version.

Mac

Avatar for jadetigerroses
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Registered: 07-01-2003
Tue, 04-09-2002 - 2:31am

LOL at least you got proposed to!!!!!! (M)


I on the other hand did not. It was a joint effort after living in the same house for 3 years. He was being transfered and asked me to go with him. I told him I was not leaving the state until I had a ring. Well the next day we picked them out and 2 days before he had to be in CO we got married. We had been packed a week before hand.

The reason to my not leaving the state was: My best friend who was more like my sister/twin was going to marry a man one he got settle in texas with his job. She sold her house and car and went with him. 2 months later he got stationed oversea and told her that he never wanted to see her again. So there she was stranded in texas with no friend and no roof over her head. The jerk had her join his bank account and when he left he told the bank that she was nolonger on the account. I flew down and got her and she lived with us tell she got some money put away. Thank goodness that her boss hired her back.

ok enough of my babbling.

Jade

Have a mystical day,

Jade

Please Pray and Support O

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Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 04-09-2002 - 5:39am

Sheesh! Those darn romantical men! This was sweet jade.(nt)


cl-ozarker

"We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master." - Ernest Heminway

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Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 04-09-2002 - 6:01am

Interesting mac.(m)


I love the idea of this story, and really liked that you didn't take the easy way out and make the girl her long lost child.

As to the dual POV, I agree with Maria that it would work a little better as a longer story. It would give you more time to develop the two characters, and give them sort of a point/counterpoint feeling. One other suggestion would be to make both points of view in the same person. You have one in first person and the other in third. My opinion only, but for this story I think both of them in third person might work a little better? Just some thoughts.

I love that you dared to break the rules. Keep working on this. I'd like to see how it comes out too.

LInda

cl-ozarker

"We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master." - Ernest Heminway