Throwing in the towel......

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Registered: 04-16-2007
Throwing in the towel......
8
Sun, 05-15-2011 - 10:19pm

I'm giving up and I feel like such a failure.


Tessa
Single Mom of 6 beautiful children and 3 angels........
CL to Single Moms, January 2010 Winter Wonders, and 2010 Playgroup Friends
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Mon, 05-16-2011 - 2:07pm

((hugs)) Tessa, I feel your pain and though I didn't have 4 at home at once, I understand from exp how kids can take advantage of you. It sounds like they are still adding their own conditions in saying they only want to go for the summer and changing their minds back and forth... what if you were to say, "this is the way it's going to be, you accept my conditions or you go, for good, to live with dad. No negotiations, no 'just for the summer' and small print and changing of minds.. either my way or move to dads" Then stick to your decision.

I'm sorry for your pain, honestly I am,.. how's it going with them today?

Pat

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2007
Mon, 05-16-2011 - 2:58pm
I hate to feel like such a failure by just giving up. I've been a single mom of 6 for 16 months/single mom of 5 for almost 2 years with little to no help and little to no breaks. I think I'm just worn out and need a break. My oldest 4's dad is supposed to have them 5 total weeks in the summer and he has only had them twice for one week breaks in 5 years (that's a total of 2 weeks in 5 years, outside of 3 day weekends). The rest of the time they've been with me.

I think I've taken the decision out of their hands. I've decided we are going to get family counseling and that I'm going to force their dad to take them for his part of the summer visitation. I'm not going to send them to live with him. I think we all just need a break from each other and we haven't been getting that.

Thanks listening.

Tessa
Single Mom of 6 beautiful children and 3 angels........
CL to Single Moms, January 2010 Winter Wonders, and 2010 Playgroup Friends
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Mon, 05-16-2011 - 5:11pm

Sounds like a good plan Tessa.. I know you already know that breaks will make a world of difference.

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Registered: 05-24-2009
Mon, 05-16-2011 - 11:58pm

Tessa, I am so sorry you are having such a tough time. I have never been a single mom so I won't pretend to understand what you are going through but I think family counseling is a great start.

Not to defend your children but you said they are gone every other weekend? That may be part of the problem. I know that during the week my kids accomplish nothing because between school, activities, and sports there is no time. They do have daily chores. Maybe assign a chore for each of them that HAS to get done each day such as doing or taking out the dishes, etc. If it doesn't get done and they go to bed, get them up. It sounds mean and it will take a lot of discipline on your part but after a while, they will catch on that you mean business. Expect a lot of whining and yelling on their part but don't give in, just keep repeating that you need to get ____ done in a calm voice and say it matter of factly.

The weekend they are with you explain that you have a house to get clean and then give them each something they can do to accomplish that goal. Explain if you all work together you should be able to clean it up within an hour or two. I would even give Noah something age appropriate to help so he can learn now plus, he will probably love helping at his age. I think the key is not arguing nor negotiating with them.

Just so you know, my kids can be the same way and they live with both their mom and dad. My oldest DD is in college now and doesn't live with us because she didn't like that we expected her to help out. I learned with her that I just got to the point where I said that I wasn't arguing with her and she better get ___ and ___ done. Honestly though some kids are just much harder than others and they can have a negative effect on their siblings. If one of your kids is the "ringleader", maybe have that child stay with dad while you work with the others and then try having that child back. I know that once my oldest DD went away to college, our house was so much calmer and things went so much easier. Of course my kids didn't have the choice of where to live.

(((HUGS))) and I really hope things get better.

Scrapbooking at WiddlyTinks.com
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Registered: 11-05-2008
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 6:02pm
****HUGS**** I am sorry to hear you are needing to go through this. Everyone (even and especially single moms of 6) deserve to be treated with love and respect. I hope things work out and you feel better soon regardless of the outcome.
Siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2007
Wed, 05-18-2011 - 3:03pm

Oh, Tessa I so feel your frustration and I'm sure this is not what you really want. I know and see that you love and adore your kiddos and also know they can drive you insane at times. I've been there especially with our oldest she's been absolutely difficult and I've often said that if I knew what the teen years were like, she would have been the only child. You are a wonderful mom, you care for 6 children all by yourself without the help of anyone so, you should give yourself a pat in the back just for that alone. Many have only 1 to care for and fail miserably so, cut yourself some slack here.

I do agree that dad #1 has to step up the plate and keep the kids the full 5 weeks that he's supposed to. By

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Registered: 04-16-2007
Sun, 05-22-2011 - 10:38am
Thanks, Kristy. I already feel a little better just by knowing that I'm going to get a bit of a break this summer. It will give me a little more time to go through things in the house and get rid of stuff that keeps getting left all over.

Tessa
Single Mom of 6 beautiful children and 3 angels........
CL to Single Moms, January 2010 Winter Wonders, and 2010 Playgroup Friends
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Registered: 04-16-2007
Sun, 05-22-2011 - 10:42am
Thanks, Maria. This is the last week of school and then they go to their dad's for a week the following week. I plan on telling them that since they won't have much homework if any this week they need to get their rooms cleaned up and that while they are gone, that anything in their floors is fair game for me to do whatever I want with. My daughter's is the absolute worst about the room. Her bathroom is a disaster and she needs to get it cleaned up or she's going to have to go upstairs to share the bathroom with her brothers and she will find all of her stuff in the bathroom either in her room or the trash.

I'll be waiting on that magic wand, just in case. ;)

Tessa
Single Mom of 6 beautiful children and 3 angels........
CL to Single Moms, January 2010 Winter Wonders, and 2010 Playgroup Friends