A year ago today...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006
A year ago today...
5
Wed, 01-05-2011 - 7:38pm
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006
Wed, 01-05-2011 - 7:38pm
*sorry I typed out a big post that just took forever...clicked spell check and it all disappeared. THIS IS WHY I CAN"T STAND THE NEW FORMAT!!! ugh.....so frustrated with it! and now I have to do it again :(.. )


a year ago today, we saw our little girl motionless on the screen. We knew right then she was gone. My heart broke into a million peices that day...somethign it had done before..but that time, there was healing that came with our first loss. I knew I would never be the same person again, that our life was a "new" normal...but this time? Its been a year and I am still so angry. :( I don't understand and I know I never will. I am mad that I know all the stages of grief already and I am moving through them much slower this time, wondering if I will ever actually make it through them. I am frustrated I was "blessed" with twins a 2nd time, truly something pretty rare since we have never had to use fertility treatments and to have a set of identical and then fraternal under the age 30..the chances are so slim...= felt like I was being given a 2nd chance at an opportunity I didn't get the first time and to have to go through heart break all over again?....what possibly can be the point in THAT? also because losing a baby in the 2nd trimester in itself is rare. So I will never understand why. I think the hardest thing is to go through it once- ..its difficult and hard..but a 2nd time?

I am frustrated that I have yet another child who doesn't have their twin with them. That they will never know that bond. To see who does what first. To watch them together. I am frustrated that I was never able to experience being a "twin mommy". I am frustrated that its like Quinn never existed and more and more forgotten. Especially because so many people just thought she "miscarried"...no one fully understood she was there the whole time. She is the one who was presenting when I went into early labor and I would have delivered at home if I wouldn't have gone to the hospital that night. She didn't just disappear. She wasn't a "Vanishing twin".

I wish January 5th 2010 was my do over and we would be driving home right now with pictures of them both looking forward to the next appt in 2 weeks instead of being numb and bawling off and on for the next 3 months.


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2008
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 11:24am
Oh sweetie I'm so sorry {{{HUGS}}} I can't begin to imagine all you have gone through the last year. Quinn will never be forgotten, she was a life to be celebrated. I hope this new year brings with it more healing, althought I'd imagine you will never completely get over it. It isn't fair!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 12:07pm
HUGE (((HUGS)))!! I'm so sorry, no one should have to go through that! I can't say I know what you are going through (I've miscarried but that's not the same), but I hope you know that we are all here for you!
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Fri, 01-07-2011 - 5:40pm
I'm so sorry for your loss, still and again. I can't believe how much you've been through. It just isn't fair.

Also, it just rots that you had to type all of this out twice. I'm going to report it, though unfortunately it's possible no one will be able to address it till Monday. But hopefully we'll get an answer. Did you use spell check the other times your posts disappeared?

 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Fri, 01-07-2011 - 10:08pm
Oh, I almost forgot!! Your posts should be saved as drafts, so you should be able to recover most if not all of your post.

If you click on your name next to any post, you'll go to your profile. Scroll down and on the right should be "autosave drafts" which you can then access and post. Hth.

 


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