DH and I are so disconnected...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2010
DH and I are so disconnected...
4
Wed, 05-25-2011 - 2:34am

Let me just apologize in advance in case this becomes one long rant/pity party. I'm not trying to be a downer, but I need to write it all out in hopes of understanding it more. I'm not even sure what word to use. Disconnected feels like the best comparison. We are so off, we're at each others throats 24/7 and I have no idea why. Its not just this pregnancy, although it hasn't been making it any better. We've been pretty on edge since his brother passed away in July. I understand his hurt and his stress, and I understand his life is different. But why am I to blame? Why do I have to be the one that gets hit with his stress and anger? He is always pissy, always complaining, something is always wrong with him. He's never just happy, its like he looks for something to complain about. Whether its work, or me, or DD, or not feeling good, its one thing after another everyday, all day. He acts so immature and I don't understand why!! Its like everybody has to cater to him and feel bad for him and baby him. I feel like I'm not aloud to be pregnant, I can't talk about being in pain, or being uncomfortable, or feeling huge. Because then it goes into how messed up everything is with him. When did this become some sort of stupid competition?! I'm 7 months pregnant in 90+ degree weather, chasing a 3 year old, doing all other household chores, with an already bad back and hip that have only gotten worse, while going on 4 hours of sleep every night. I'm not trying to sound like "poor me" but darnit, I get 9 months...thats it. 9 months where I should be aloud to feel miserable sometimes, to get pampered every once in a while. We fight constantly, about some of the most stupid things! We can't even clean the house together without arguing, or make dinner. I just feel so heartbroken. I want my husband back, I want our relationship back. Our family back. I don't know when or how all of this changed and got so bad. I cry almost everyday. I try to hide it and push it down because I HATE looking weak. But I well up in tears daily just from pure frustration and hurt. I feel so alone. I sit here and honestly can say, I love him...but I don't like him. I love him as my husband and the father of my children, but I hate who he's become. I hate who he is right now. I'm so confused and truly lost on what to do. Our life is about to change in a MAJOR way and we're a complete mess. I just want him to come back, to pitch in, to help me out and be supportive, to enjoy our life together again. Its like he hates his life, he doesn't want it anymore. He doesn't want the responsibility, he doesn't want to be a husband and father anymore. Thats exactly how it feels and its killing me. My confidence is gone, my heart shatters when I look at DD and look down at my belly not knowing what kind of life they'll have if we can't fix this. I'm sorry for this long, depressing rant. Kudos to you if you've read any or all of it. I guess I just needed to get it all out.


Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2010
Wed, 05-25-2011 - 9:20am

It wasn't long and it's your chance to vent sorry that you are going through all of this right now. If the problem is his brother passing away that's a hard thing no matter if it was in July. However it shouldn't give him the right to mistreat you or make you feel down in any way. How old is he if you don't mind me asking? Maybe it's his age or just maybe something just flew up his

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2007
Wed, 05-25-2011 - 11:36am

hi there, I really feel for you. My husband tends to be a complainer too.

 BabyFetus Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-1999
Fri, 05-27-2011 - 11:29am
I'm so sorry you guys are going through a tough time. So been there before. My dh had a similar reaction when his mother passed away. I tried to give him support and space when he needed it. He eventually came back around. After he came back around he was a better husband than before his mothers passing. Have you had a serious talk with him about the situation and how you feel? I sometimes just write a letter for dh to read. I think sometimes he responds better to that, gives him time to think and not have to listen to me rant/rave :) I would recommend either. I hope it doesn't last much longer, because I know just how miserable it is :( I think it is just a 'phase' in the marriage and it will get better over time. wish I had more advice, always here if you need to talk/vent!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2010
Fri, 05-27-2011 - 2:47pm

We had a good talk yesterday and things seem to have smoothed out a little. I talked to him about how he can't throw his life away which is exactly what he was doing. It wasn't even just me and the kids, it was everyone. His brother was such a happy, fun loving person and he always lived life to the fullest. So once I reminded him of that and how his brother would want him to be he kind of came around. He broke down for a little and it broke my heart. I was so afraid I had upset him but I think it was just months (almost a year) of bottled up frustration and anger and whatever else, finally being released. I can't even imagine the hurt he feels and I completely understand it. But at the same time I need my husband and our girls need their dad. My BIL has a young son, he was 3 when he passed away. I think DH just had to realize how lucky he is to be able to be with DD everyday and eventually DD2 and that they have him around. He's slowly coming around and I know eventually things will be better. Its just so hard seeing him like this and watching things fall apart. I don't want to pressure him but I also don't want to lose him. Its such a hard thing to deal with. He explained how difficult it was since he didn't have his advice anymore and couldn't just talk to him everyday like he always had, and it was the worst when he was alone because he'd just start thinking about everything and it would take over. My hearts just breaking for him and I'm trying to be there the best way I know how. I can't even imagine losing something you're SO close to. I'm hoping as the year point nears it doesn't get worse, July is creeping up faster then we both anticipated. But we'll work through it, one day at a time. Thanks for all of the advice ladies, I really appreciate it.


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