DH and I are so disconnected...
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|Wed, 05-25-2011 - 2:34am|
Let me just apologize in advance in case this becomes one long rant/pity party. I'm not trying to be a downer, but I need to write it all out in hopes of understanding it more. I'm not even sure what word to use. Disconnected feels like the best comparison. We are so off, we're at each others throats 24/7 and I have no idea why. Its not just this pregnancy, although it hasn't been making it any better. We've been pretty on edge since his brother passed away in July. I understand his hurt and his stress, and I understand his life is different. But why am I to blame? Why do I have to be the one that gets hit with his stress and anger? He is always pissy, always complaining, something is always wrong with him. He's never just happy, its like he looks for something to complain about. Whether its work, or me, or DD, or not feeling good, its one thing after another everyday, all day. He acts so immature and I don't understand why!! Its like everybody has to cater to him and feel bad for him and baby him. I feel like I'm not aloud to be pregnant, I can't talk about being in pain, or being uncomfortable, or feeling huge. Because then it goes into how messed up everything is with him. When did this become some sort of stupid competition?! I'm 7 months pregnant in 90+ degree weather, chasing a 3 year old, doing all other household chores, with an already bad back and hip that have only gotten worse, while going on 4 hours of sleep every night. I'm not trying to sound like "poor me" but darnit, I get 9 months...thats it. 9 months where I should be aloud to feel miserable sometimes, to get pampered every once in a while. We fight constantly, about some of the most stupid things! We can't even clean the house together without arguing, or make dinner. I just feel so heartbroken. I want my husband back, I want our relationship back. Our family back. I don't know when or how all of this changed and got so bad. I cry almost everyday. I try to hide it and push it down because I HATE looking weak. But I well up in tears daily just from pure frustration and hurt. I feel so alone. I sit here and honestly can say, I love him...but I don't like him. I love him as my husband and the father of my children, but I hate who he's become. I hate who he is right now. I'm so confused and truly lost on what to do. Our life is about to change in a MAJOR way and we're a complete mess. I just want him to come back, to pitch in, to help me out and be supportive, to enjoy our life together again. Its like he hates his life, he doesn't want it anymore. He doesn't want the responsibility, he doesn't want to be a husband and father anymore. Thats exactly how it feels and its killing me. My confidence is gone, my heart shatters when I look at DD and look down at my belly not knowing what kind of life they'll have if we can't fix this. I'm sorry for this long, depressing rant. Kudos to you if you've read any or all of it. I guess I just needed to get it all out.