Not sure how to feel....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2010
Not sure how to feel....
Wed, 06-08-2011 - 2:31pm

So this may get long and I don't mean it to. I'll try and get straight to the point. My inlaws have money...a lot of money. I don't judge, I'm happy for them and they've worked their butts off to get where they are. My family (parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles) aren't struggling but we don't always have hundreds of dollars left over to just spend. Everyone has done so much helping us get the little things we need for the new baby. We're having another girl but certain things just get lost or are too "used" to use for a second child. We needed a lot of basic things. Receiving blankets, diapers, some storage baskets, breastfeeding accessories. So I made a registry to let people know what all we still needed. I figured it was easier so they didn't spend their money on something we already had. That would make me feel horrible. Well I emailed it yesterday to some family members who had asked to see it. I went on this morning to add a few things to it and nothing had been purchased (I didn't care, I just saw it). Well about an hour ago my mom called me and told me she went on to order a few things for me...and everything had been purchased already. I was confused so I went on to see if it was a glitch or something. Well my inlaws got EVERYTHING on the entire registry. Don't get me wrong, I'm insanely grateful, they DID NOT have to do that. But it kind of hurt my parents feelings. They wish they could do those things for us (not that we want it). But just because it would make them feel good. We are SO SO close with my parents, we'd be lost without eachother. And my heart broke when I heard the tone in my moms voice. I think she felt like she wasn't good enough and wasn't helping enough. I didn't even know what to say or do. I think the part that kind of irks me is, my in laws always do things like this. They try to one up people a lot. They never call, never really "talk" to us. But if we ignore them the world would explode. So they just buy things and send checks thinking thats what we want and thats enough. I'd love it even more if they would just call and keep in touch. My parents have no idea what it means to us that they're so involved in our lives and are ALWAYS there for everything and anything we need. I'm so thankful that my inlaws did this for us, but at the same time my hearts broken for my parents who try SO hard. Am I being over dramatic or something? I'm not sure how to feel.

Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2009
Wed, 06-08-2011 - 4:04pm
Being so close to your folks, I'd just tell them that being there means more than buying things.

Then, ask your IL's if they'd like to adopt me? JK!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2007
Wed, 06-08-2011 - 4:41pm
That is hard for your parents... Just tell your mom how much you love her and suggest something else you really wanted for the baby or yourself. Maybe something fun like non-toxic nail polish (Piggy Paints brand is fantastic) or a sound machine or humidifier or even something like matching big & little sister shirts for family pictures.
~Andrea~ IMG_1563
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2010
Wed, 06-08-2011 - 4:45pm

Yeah, that definitely sends a message...buying everything on the entire registry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2008
Wed, 06-08-2011 - 5:27pm
Tell your mom what you just said about how much more valuable and meaningful it is for them to be involved in your lives. Surely there are other things they could get for you. A baby book or something sentimental. Your in-laws may not realize this would be hurtful. My hubby was from a very poor family and he went to pharmacy school. When he graduated he went from being dirt poor to making nearly 6 figures over night. That first Christmas, he bought his sisters and his mom really nice gifts. It hurt their feelings because they couldn't afford anything to compare to the things he bought them. He didn't mean it like that. He was just trying to be giving to people he loved. Since then he's learned, of course, but was unintentional. Not only did HE hurt THEIR feelings, but they in turn hurt HIS by their reaction to his kindness. It's just money. It's just stuff. I'd tell my mom that and I'd express gratitude for them giving you what money can't buy-- their time, attention, presence, and love.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Wed, 06-08-2011 - 7:16pm
I agree with a pp, that maybe your ILs didn't do this to "one up" anyone, but I do understand the way you feel. I've never had relatives who liked to spend lots on me, but the few times someone has spent more than I can afford to spend on them, I have felt bad. I'm sorry your parents' feelings are hurt :( Surely there are other things you need for the baby that weren't available at the store where you created your registry?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Wed, 06-08-2011 - 9:15pm
That's a tough one. I've purposely kept some things off my registry (2nd tier 'wants') so that if too many things get bought I can go add some more. I agree with telling your parents you appreciate how involved they are and coming up with some other things you need. I don't think I would ever clear out someone's registry but maybe your inlaws weren't thinking there were other people who might want to get you something too! :)

I also agree that since it's 'your' family, I would tell them this is DH's family's way of saying they love you b/c they don't really keep in touch, etc while you prefer your family's way of staying more connected anyway...


PS-I've got a ton left on my registry too if they'd like to clear that one out as well! :)