Having a slightly negative moment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2010
Having a slightly negative moment.
10
Thu, 03-15-2012 - 11:42pm
As most of you know, Isaac was both an IUGR baby and a month early.
I've gotta say... I hate the damned growth restriction. I hate the fact that he's going on three and a half months old and can still fit in newborn sizes, and 0-3 size often hangs on him. I hate worrying about his future growth. I hate hate hate listening to people tell me how tiny he is. I want to scream "Damn it he has nearly TRIPLED his birth weight, shut UP and stop making me feel bad!" I hate feeling like I did something to cause this even though I know I didn't. I hate that even though he is always with me now, I couldn't see him at all for nearly two days when he was in Special Care. I missed out on his first bit of life. I hate hearing "it will all even out" like it's no big deal, but then I hate when people make a big deal about him. I hate that I had to be cut open to have him and hate that I'm still having problems from the inherent roughness of any emergency abdominal surgery.
I get so very frustrated with his eating issues and sleeping issues and when he chokes on nothing. And I'm frustrated with myself for being frustrated- he can't help it.
But. I am so very proud of my giant of a husband for accepting his tiny son and calling him his "big boy". And I am so proud of Isaac for being a little fighter and for making so much headway. He has done so well and worked his little baby butt off to get where he is.
And I shouldn't let all these things bother me.
But some days... They just do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2011
Fri, 03-16-2012 - 2:52am
Hugs jess! You are human. Don't be too hard on yourself! I don't have any words of wisdom but feel free to let it out. We're here for you and cheering you on!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2010
Fri, 03-16-2012 - 5:45am
Big hugs to you. I understand just beeding to let tho se feelings out. You are a great mommy and your little boy will grow up wonderfully!

Dixie

"Even miracles take a little time." ~ Fairy Godmother: Cinderella

TTC since April 2009

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2009
Fri, 03-16-2012 - 8:07am

(((Hugs)))!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 03-16-2012 - 12:55pm

Good for you for letting it out! I'm sure everything you're feeling is completely normal. Big hugs to you - I'm sure you're doing an amazing job and it sounds like Isaac is thriving inspite of his rough start. Good job, mama!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2010
Fri, 03-16-2012 - 2:33pm
Thank you, ladies. Sometimes it just gets so frustrating. I worry about him, then someone says something stupid and I end up now mad AND worried... I was preemie myself so my parents know what to say and what not to say- example, "He's getting so big" instead of "Oh look how tiny he is" or "you're lucky you didn't have to get too huge during the pregnancy".
And then sometimes I get "He wasn't THAT early, at 36 weeks"... Ummm no, he actually counts as a 30-weeker because that's when all his development stopped. Or "Oh it can't be that bad to have a premature baby". Hmmm tell ya what. You try to feed him. I will watch. And laugh at you.
I am very proud of him and actually very proud to have a preemie baby- I think too many people hide their preemies away until they are more... Acceptable to others, I guess. I really did mean it when I said I was having a negative MOMENT. I take an immense amount of pride in my little fighter.
But that does not mean that some days aren't just plain hard, especially when people make such idiot remarks and remind me of the challenges we've had and keep having.
Avatar for strawberrywild
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 03-16-2012 - 4:05pm

It's hard not to be frustrated sometimes but I'm sure he'll catch up in size and grow up beautifully.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
Fri, 03-16-2012 - 11:25pm
Vent it out! Youre human & a momma. Don't feel like you have to explain yourself. You know that Isaac, you & dh are doing a great job & you guys are thriving. You do know you couldnt help how things panned out. They happened as they intended to. Youve had to adjust to that & know its what was best for baby. Tell dh you need a hug & a pat on the back bc youre doing great.
Jill, mommy to Chloe, almost 5, Oliver, 3 & baby Ella born 12-1-11 !
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2010
Sat, 03-17-2012 - 7:26pm
Thank you again, ladies... :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Sun, 03-18-2012 - 10:08am
I understand a bit of whay you are going through. With my oldest I tore so severely during delivery that I passed out from blood loss within seconds of her coming out. I never heatd her first cry and didn't get to hold her (and be awate that I was) until after I woke up from emergency surgery the next day. That same afternoon she became very jaundiced and was put in the nicu for 4 days. I cried constantly until I got to go back to the hospital and pick her up. To this day there are times I still cry about missing those magical first moments. With my son I have to remimd myself on a consistent basis that I did nothing wrong for him to be the way he is. He gets extremely high fevers every 6-8 weeks that is caused by a genetic mutation on the 16th chromosome. Turns out dh and I are both carriers of this disease and never knew it. It is something ds will have to take meda for for the rest of his life in order to survive and he still might end up with a kidney transplant later on. He is also on the autistic spectrum. He is incredibly high functioning and most people can't even tell, but I question whether there is something I did wrong when pregnant that caused it. With Aubrey, like you with Isaac, I have gotten tired of the comments. She was also iugr and even though I was 37w6d she was only 4 lbs 14 oz. I constantly get asked/told things like, "so just how much of a preemie was she?', "wow, she holds her head up so well for being so little!", "she's just small because the other two kids got all the nutrients and she only got the leftovers.". I could go on and on with all the rude comments. Like you said, never mind that they have almost tripled their birthweight! I sometimes feel like I have to explain every little weight loss (because that has happened when she had rsv) or weight addition to everybody. I'm sure you've probably heard stuff like, "shouldn't baby weigh more by now?" Or my favorite, "you really need to start giving her a bottle with formula and cereal in it and just bf every now and then so she'll grow like she is supposed to". Really?! I have a friend whose daughter was diagnosed as failure to thrive. At a year old she was wearing 6-9 mo clothes. She just turned 2 and she has pretty much caught up with her peers. Some babies just take longer to grow. Others o the deck stacked against them because they are having to play catch up from day 1 of being in this world. It is nothing you or I did wrong. Instead it is something that makes them unique and, in my opinion, even more special because to us we celebrate every little ounce they gain and it really makes you stop and enjoy them just a bit more. As for the frustrations you sometimes feel with the baby, they are normal. You know it is not his fault, but it us okay to feel frutrated. Many times as moms our frustration comes from feeling like no matter what we do we aren't able to help lo feel better and it can be very discouraging. in our minds it feels like there has got to be something else out there that we haven't tried or thought of or something else that is causing it. I know it is frustratung, but sometimes we need to just sit back and let things unfold the way they are supposed to and just be our child's greatest cheetleader. Things will get better and there will be days where you will feel bad. Remember that you are an amazing mom, you did nothing wrong, and you are doing all that you can to help him.

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Community Leader
Registered: 05-04-2011
Sun, 03-18-2012 - 8:15pm

Hugs to you.