Hubby troubles...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2010
Hubby troubles...
15
Fri, 07-22-2011 - 12:44pm
My husband, quite frankly, is driving me nuts. He keeps complaining he doesn't feel like he's doing enough to help out (which, he isn't, but I don't much mind as he pays the bills lol), but then doesnt do a damn thing to remedy that. Occasionally he vaccuums or cleans something without being asked. He seems kinda down a lot and I'm starting to wonder if he's not as happy about the pregnancy as he was. I'm doing all I can to make it easy on him; not making him run to the store for odd stuff, trying not to bother him if I'm achy or sick, not turning down sex ever... But he still seems... Off. I know work has been stressful for him but I can't imagine that causing him to seem like he's no longer happy with the pregnancy?? He was so excited last weekend to find out we are having a boy and now he's back to being down, despite my trying to make things at home as stress-free as possible. Any thoughts? Sorry this is so long. :(

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2010
Fri, 07-22-2011 - 12:55pm
Have you talked with him? I know that it sounds all therapy like but perhaps he will share what is bothering him. Perhaps it is the fact he thought the pregnancy would make him happier but her realizes the problems such as work are still the same with or without a son on the way.
I find that when my DH and I are honest (sometimes painfully and brutally so) we feel better. Do not get me wrong, I cry and he is upset but once it is out there it seems better.
I would sit down and let him know. Perhaps he does not even realize he is feeling down until he sees it reflected in you. Good luck.

Dixie

"Even miracles take a little time." ~ Fairy Godmother: Cinderella

TTC since April 2009

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2010
Fri, 07-22-2011 - 1:02pm
Him and I always talk if one of us seems upset and he keeps saying even he's not sure what's off... And he keeps going on and on about how he isn't doing enough, then proceeds to do nothing about it. Last night he said it so I told him it would be helpful to steam the rice for dinner. He then looked at me blankly and goes, "Where does the water go, and how do I make the rice?" While I cuss in the back of my head. It's not his fault, we have a very traditional setup- I do ALL cooking and 90% of housekeeping and he pays the bills, and we're really very happy that way, odd as that may sound. But now instead of leaving it alone, he complains and does nothing to ask for help if he wants to assist, instead just doesn't do it. I try to ask why he keeps complaining and always seeming upset and all I get is "I'm not sure".... Frustrating.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2010
Fri, 07-22-2011 - 1:04pm
Also, yes, I know he asked for help last night. lol It was the first time he has ever asked, and I did show him how and then he got p/oed at having to be shown how to work a steamer!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2010
Fri, 07-22-2011 - 1:12pm
Perhaps he feels baby wise he does not have enough to do? If you are more a traditional set up perhaps he feels he is not hands on enough in that area. Is there something more "up his alley" as they say, that he can do involving the baby? Painting the room, building something? Perhaps he just needs a new task to really get into to help him feel more helpful. (Could I have used the word help any more?)

Dixie

"Even miracles take a little time." ~ Fairy Godmother: Cinderella

TTC since April 2009

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2011
Fri, 07-22-2011 - 1:40pm
Well...with men it could be anything...I mean, any chance something is up at work?

It could also just be generalized anxiety about having a baby. Doesn't mean he isn't excited or happy...just means he is having a moment of...WHOA!!! This is life changing...which it is.

I think in a lot of ways men don't deal with those changes as well. I know a lot of men who get a little wonky when a baby is on the way...particularly that first child.

My dh really didn't hit it until the end of pg. The morning my water broke...I was walking around calling my mom, getting stuff ready for the hospital, etc. Everytime I looked at dh he was wearing a different shirt...I was like...wth? He must have changed 5 times. I could tell he was about to meltdown, so I gave him a task to do. lol

Anyways, I think your dh is wanting to help with something or do something so he feels like he is having some control of this situation that is really big for him...kwim?

When he asks to help with stuff...even if it is more of a pain in the azz for you then doing it yourself, give him a task to do. Heck, make something up that you don't even care about if you need to get him out of your hair. lol Is there anything he can be doing for the baby room? Any house maintenance that needs to be done, etc?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2010
Fri, 07-22-2011 - 1:42pm
Hmmm there's a thought. Maybe that would make him feel better. I'm very, um... Independent... and tend to do things myself rather than ask for anything, and on top of that I've raised three boys already so I don't have the first-time jitters too bad. Maybe that's making him feel left out? I will have to try that and see if it makes him feel better and gets him excited again...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Fri, 07-22-2011 - 2:04pm
I have to agree with both of the other ladies. He might just feel like he's not doing enough that he knows how to do. As the others suggested, painting, putting together nursery, etc. Also, I know with my husband, whenever we are coming up on any life changing event he starts to freak out, especially if he felt he might be left behind. When I graduated with my Associates, pregnant with our oldest, moving into our house, pregnant with our second, graduating with my bachelor's degree, starting a new job. He was very insecure about himself (even though he came across as very confident and self assured to others) and those fears came to light at these life changing times.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2010
Fri, 07-22-2011 - 2:11pm
I think everyone gets a bit nervous at these times, especially if its something they have precisely 0 experience with. Its just that (and I hate to be a whiner) it really upsets me to think maybe he isn't excited, no matter the reason... And then I wonder if the few things I ask are too much, so I stop asking for anything at all, and then of course I resent not being coddled at a time I should be! I know he isn't psychic, but why why why do I always have to ASK?! Why can't he do something without being told? Ugh. I love him, but some days I want to throttle him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2010
Fri, 07-22-2011 - 3:53pm

I think everyone gave you great advise so far!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Fri, 07-22-2011 - 4:54pm

I was having major troubles with my husband and I'll tell you what helped me immensely.

Michelle due 2/12/10 w/#4

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