How do I deal with this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
How do I deal with this?
9
Fri, 07-22-2011 - 5:36pm

Since I started having what are, let's face it, significant issues with this pregnancy, was put on modified bed rest and DD's health problems started acting up again, I've become worried that DH is going to deal with it by hooking up with someone else.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2011
Sat, 07-23-2011 - 8:02am
Wow, it's amazing to me to hear about such a strong woman! I don't tknow that I can help you. But I can share my situation and maybe through some similarity we can find a way to help each other!

My boyfriend and I first met in November of 2008. I went to the health department to get bc in January and due to high blood pressure, my only option was the depo shot. SO was on Zoloft at the time as well. I had every bad symptom that depo has. From a constant period to my hair falling out in clumps and being extremely moody. That coupled with the fact that Zoloft is sometimes used in men for premature ejaculation (so SO couldn't cum easily), our sex life went straight into the toilet. And that's pretty much where it stayed. Between him drinking beer and watching porn and that Zoloft, I didn't stand a chance in being able to make him cum when we did have sex. That caused huge issues with my self esteem. This went on until Dec 2009 at which point we had a huge blow out (trying to stick with a short version) and broke up.

We split up for a year and started hanging out again in November of 2010. Strictly platonic until Christmas night in which I spent with his family and him and I ended up having sex. With success! I might add. Haha.. and for the next 2 months we had great, successful sex ( which is how I ended up pregnant with our baby girl =)) However, one night a few months ago, we had sex at a condo on the beach and he couldn't cum. The bed sucked, and it started to feel different with a ball in my belly! Now we haven't had sex since... and it worries me.

He watches porn on his days off when I'm not here or whenever he's alone. And like you, I don't care about the porn, as long as it's not affecting our sex life. I cried to him one night about the fact that we aren't having sex anymore, because that's what happened to us the last time, but he swears this time is different. I don't know if he's just weirded out now because he can actually and feel Madison move inside me, or if we're back to where we were the first time.

He made the comment that the last time we had sex didn't go so well. I said, "well, just because of one time doesn't mean you need to give up." But I know he's probably afraid that we'll be back in pattern of our main focus of having sex is to see if he will be able to cum. (btw he's no longer on zoloft). The first time this happened to us I caught him texting dirty stuff to an ex of his and let him know I knew. So, I've delt with that aspect too.

Sorry so long! And like I said before, I don't know that I can help you figure out how to deal with it, but I can say I'm dealing with something too. Not as extreme as yours I feel, but I too am worried!

SO is very supportive in this pregnancy. Has been since day 1. He's been to almost every appt. Cooks dinner, does the dishes. He's very affectionate toward me. Maybe this time is different, and maybe it's just the pregnancy this time and eventually after the baby comes maybe we'll return to having sex. I guess all we can do is hope and have faith in the men that we love. It sucks, but what I discovered being away from him, was I'd rather deal with what few problems we have with him, than be with anyone else. that's how I knew that regardless of what we had been through or might go through, he was the one for me.

I'll stop now =) I hope you got this far in reading the response and sorry I couldn't be of more help. But know you're not alone in dealing with these issues! It's always amazing to me how many couples actually have these issues and you would never know it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2002
Sat, 07-23-2011 - 12:27pm

Honestly..My husband and I havent slept in the same bed since finding out I was pregnant..Pregnancy is a rough time emotionally and physically for a woman and unfortuntaly her sex life can suffer...Ive also discovered a great deal of porn on my husbands computer but he flat out deny's he's looking at it..

 BabyFruit Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Sat, 07-23-2011 - 1:43pm
Like the other ladies have said, pregnancy is rough on the sex life. The boat I"m in is my DH is completely unable to have sex b/c he thinks the baby is 'in the room ' with us. Yes, I know..I know, lol. He hasn't been looking at porn or anything, but I'm sure he is taking care of himself in the shower:/

I hope things get better for you, I can't imagine how difficult it must be not to be reminded of all the hurt your DH caused you during yuour last two pregnancies. Sometimes forgiving and forgetting are just really really difficult to do.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2005
Sat, 07-23-2011 - 7:37pm

I'm in a similar situation with my DH as well. When I was pregnant with DD, he started texting a girl he worked with and was really secretive about it. I didnt find out until after I had had DD, but I looked back at the phone bill and found out it had been going on for a couple months and he was even texting her while I was in labor. I was devastated and it really shook our marriage and my trust in him. It was at the point where I was checking the phone bill almost daily looking for her number and checking his phone when he wasnt around. He swears that it was nothing sexual or anything and all they did was talk, and I honestly have no proof otherwise. It still hurts and I still worry at times, especially when he's late getting home. I try to not think about it, but how do you not? As time goes by it's easier, but it's hard to not have that doubt. DH has done alot to prove that it will never happen again and he is always willing to answer any questions or whatnot when I do ask him. I think it's harder for me to deal with being pregnant again, tho bc all the emotions have flooded back. We do still talk about it from time to time and I let him know how hurt I was/am.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2011
Sat, 07-23-2011 - 8:11pm
I don't think there is anything you can do to make yourself trust him again. When trust is broken it is the task of the one who did the breaking to do the rebuilding...the person who's trust was broken isn't the one who needs to be doing "the work" so to speak.

That said, I believe that if you wish to have a successful marriage, and you believe he is sincere in his desire for the same, that you have to "let it go." And, I don't mean forget about it...I mean that no matter how worried you are, or how much you fear the other shoe is about to drop, you need to live as though you don't feel that way. You can't constantly remind him of how he hurt you if he has shown remorse. It isn't as though he can flip a switch to make you believe him, or say some magical words that will make it all better...if he is doing the "work" of trying to rebuild your trust, than the work you need to do is in "faking" it until you no longer worry about that other shoe.

The rebuilding of trust is a very challenging thing and if you remind him of his wrong doings over and over than, he'll bail on all that work with the excuse of "she'll never believe me or trust me anyway."

Maybe you should talk to your rector, not necessarily about the specific issues, rather explain that a trust has been broken, DH is committed to trying to rebuild that and that you need some skills on how to cope until your heart is healed and you can trust again.

Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Sat, 07-23-2011 - 8:11pm

See, that's the thing.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2011
Mon, 07-25-2011 - 11:11pm
Dh and I are having issues too he says because of the new meds and bipolar issues he has lost interest in sex I left it alone because unfortunately even though I want sex I am worried about the ptl starting again but I found a bunch of porn on his computer and found magaizines in the office while cleaning out for the baby and it disgusted me he has no interest in sex but can jack off to porn its so gross and I am at a loss this happen when I was pregnant with dd too so I am hoping that is all but it is sure a self esteem blow.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Thu, 07-28-2011 - 9:37am

Hi!

I'm sorry that you are going so many things right now but I did want to share some informaiton that I recently found out about student loans that may help you out. Even if your married and your husband makes a decent amount, if the student loans are in your name, you can file what is called an economic hardship deferrment. Since you have no income, they will put them into a 1 year deferrment status, with no interest added (I guess b/c since you meet certain low income requirements). You can renew them every year until you go back to work and have an income. This is our 3rd and final addition and I plan on going back to work when is in kindergarden b/c we figured out I would literally need to make 14 or 1500 hundred b4 we would see a dime of it. That's not even including a car payment or insurance! You can also get approved if you get any state funded assistance; it could be health insurance 4 you or the kids, foodstamps, energy assistance, or even WIC. They either send you paperwork ( or you can usually get them off the internet and if you don't know where call their 1800 number.) My DH is a teacher and weve have had to downsize a lot in order for us to go down to 1 income. But literally even if I made a little bit it was pushing us over for insurance for the kids, but we couldnt afford to pay for their insurance and co-pays.Do we have every intenton paying them back? absolutely. But right now unless I went back to working 5 nights a week, not seeing my family at all, and struggling over every little dollar (I still don't know if we would make it b/c we weren't towards the end either) we can't realistically do it. Each student loan hsa been very nice about it and it's a huge load off our minds! Just something to consider. Cheer up hun and good luck!

Angie DS Tyler James 04-02-01 DD Madison Leigh 08-08-06
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Thu, 07-28-2011 - 1:29pm

As a bipolar I know sex can be a complicated issue.

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