OT: Parent Stress

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
OT: Parent Stress
Tue, 07-05-2011 - 5:36pm

I'm fairly certain I've talked about how not thrilled my mother is by my marriage and my pregnancy. Her (and my father's) behavior has really been the last straw in a long, abusive history. So, my husband and I wrote a letter asking that they both apologize for a very specific list of attracious things that really crossed the line, or we (including my kids) did not need to be a part of their lives.

After a month or so of putting off-type responses, like sending an email to us saying "I don't know how to send an email" and my mother telling me she will write a letter, only to say that she doesn't have time or can't read anymore. So, she has decided to leave a series of obnoxious voicemails, calling my cell phone over and over at odd hours to leave 4-5 minute voicemails talking about her wanting to be a composer or how her eye appointment went or the now common - how I'm hurting my son by not letting him see her (this same women who calls me names and has slapped me in front of my son before).

Today, she finally left a message that kinda related to the lettter my husband and I sent. She said that he and I have communication and anger issues and that we "never make sure that what a person says is what they actually mean." She then goes on to talk about how she never compared my dh to my abusive ex-husband she merely said "it was just like [the abusive ex-husband] again" and then, proceeded to try to place blame on me sayng that I make things up (actually chortling when she said that part). She also said that my dad's doctors won't let him talk to us becuase they read our letter (which was firm but not overtly angry) and said that contacting me is a danger to him and she threw in that her doctors have said the same thing.

I've asked her to just talk to me and my husband over the phone. And, all we want to hear is an apology. But, she says there are "too many parameters on that." The only parameter is that both he and I be on the phone and she get to the point instead of talking for 3 hours about nonesense that is completely unrelated. And, in her last voicemail, she stated that I'm harming my 4 yr old by pulling him out of preschool becuase he'll be labeled and can't possibly get an education while at home, and she knows we can't afford this.

So, sorry for rambling on and on, but the question is: This all seems so super surreal and crazy. I'm just completely ready to cut off all contact with her and my father. I hate pulling people out of my son's life, but I feel like I have no other choice. She seriously sounds like she's gone off an extra peg or two since the last time I talked to her. I keep thinking it's dementia, but I'm also concerned about my dad. I guess I'm just looking for some type of 3rd party permission to just let go of all of this and not feel guilty about cutting them off.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Tue, 07-05-2011 - 9:01pm

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, especially while pregnant! At various times over the years I've found it necessary, for my sanity, to temporarily cut contact with each of my parents. Although I never liked cutting them off,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 07-05-2011 - 10:43pm
I agree with bonniebethicus - clearly having ANYTHING to do with them at this point in time is causing you way too much stress.

I've basically cut my sisters out of my life at various times in my life and it sounds like you need to cut your parents out, at least for a while. If your mother is so upset about your son being taken out of preschool when she knows you can't afford it, perhaps she should offer to chip in to help pay his tuition? Since she hasn't made that offer (and I don't know what HER financial situation is) but it sounds like she just wants to make you feel bad.
- Caroline

* Wife of Eric (July 28, 2007)

* Proud Mommy of Allison Kathleen (April 14, 2007)

* Expecting another BABY GIRL on September 16, 2011

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 8:59am
She is definitely just trying to make me feel bad. I had dh listen to all the voice mails last night to make sure it wasn't just me and he was as upset by them as I was. I couldn't help but just start crying like crazy because in the past it's always just been me that's seen my parents be nuts, so when they turn it around and say I'm a bad person and just twisting what happened - I really feel that I'm crazy and it's all my fault. It feels like such a relief for someone to be there to say that there is nothing wrong with me and that they see it too. But it makes me feel so stupid for going on so long thinking I was somehow at fault for how they treated me.

So, definitely time to cut off contact. I'm done.
Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2011
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 9:42am
you are not alone, I am in the same boat with my mom. She is very hurtful and mean 99% of the time. I try to cut her out as much as possible and have for months at a time but I try to think that because she is my mom she will change and act like it but never does. She always holds my son over my head, they have always been very close, but he is 6 now and is starting to pull away from her as well. Its very hard and I feel for you! I have no contact with my father or his family as well as my sister. I just cant be around people that bring me down anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Thu, 07-07-2011 - 8:07am
I'm sorry you are going through this. It seems that they are unwilling to compromise, or even talk about your relationship at this point. I would absolutely cut them out until they are ready to talk like adults and address these issues. If that never comes, well, it's better to not have toxic people in your lives, especially with young children in the picture. It really sucks that it has to be your parents, but it's probably best. ((HUG))

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