Communicating w/ Bmom advice needed!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2002
Communicating w/ Bmom advice needed!
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 2:35pm
I know some of you are close to your children's birthparents.
My question is---do they talk to you about the hard parts of it, how


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 4:30pm

This is a difficult time for all involved, but speaking from experience you do need to set up some boundaries. We never had issues with our son's birthmom, but we did have some issues with the birthgrandparents. I talked to our facilitator at the time, and we both decided it would be a good idea for me to sit down and write them a letter, which I did. They were upset, but they respected my wishes. Sadly we no longer talk to them, but still 12 years

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2007
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 4:31pm

It is very difficult.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2009
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 7:40am
I have no advice, since our situation is going the opposite direction. However, I love you a ton, and you're doing your best to navigate this touchy situation. As long as you put Riley first, I'm sure it'll all work out. Best of luck!
Avatar for cl_troynkel
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 7:53am

I think a lot of bmoms deal with feeling "left out" after placement ... especially if the pre-placement relationship was strong.

UVA 2010 siggie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2008
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 9:54am

hey Adrienne i thought i would respond too. as a birthmom in a similar situation as yours i think it is very important that she learns sooner rather than later the expectations you need.
Emilyne was over a year old when she was adopted and i am pretty sure i was pretty hard for her parents to deal with too.
it was very hard for me to feel like i was losing a family as well as my daughter, like pp said.
after M let me know how important i am but how she has to put her family's needs first just how i did by choosing what was best for my daughter. i was upset but i knew she was right. it sounds like bmom really needs to get some more outside support. that made all the difference for me. especially when family is not a support.

i have a hard time putting thoughts into words so i hope that made some sense.



iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2007
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 11:52am
I'm so glad we have some birthmoms in our group. Even though my situation is different and TPR for Lydia's BM wasn't entirely voluntary, it helps to hear opinions from another perspective.

Lilypie Waiting to Adopt tickers

July 15, 2008 - Decided on Social Service Adoption then spent 3 months paying off all my bills
October 14, 2008 - Submitted agency application
January 20, 2009 - Homestudy home visit
March 5, 2009


July 15, 2008 - Decided on Social Servi

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2008
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 3:04pm

It almost sounds like she is not having any counseling at all? I guess I'm the type that lets things happen. I let them contact me for visits for the most part. Our SW would sometimes mention visits at first too, to get us set up a few weeks in advance. I sort of felt like I didn't want to invade their lives. I know they have things going on, a baby to take care of etc.

Oh this must be so hard for her. And so hard for you to have to play so many roles for her. I absolutely don't think you are the right person for her to be talking to about her bad days. I mean a mention of "oh today wasn't a very good day for me, I thought about R a ton of times..." kind of thing wouldn't be innappropriate, but expecting you to understand/relate to her feelings is expecting too much!

I think writing a letter, or having the SW politely bring up the topic of a contact contract is a really good idea! Good luck Adrienne!

leighton.gif image by cheerios2004
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2008
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 3:56pm

This is one of the trickiest parts of open adoption. Having a relationship with bm means you can see better what she is going through. A lot of times we think about the sacrifice made and want to jump through hoops to keep the relationship friendly.

We did have a brief issue with this, brief only because we live in a different state from K, so the issue was only while we were together. I'd be happy to share more about it privately.

Ultimately, boundaries are necessary in any relationship. She picked you to be Riley's parents because she thought you were the right person for the job. You can't do that job if you're sitting by the phone all day to make sure you respond to her right away.

You all also need time to adjust to your new lives. Riley has a new family to attach to, you're now a busy mom of 2 boys, and bm has some adjusting to do too.

If it were me, I would talk to her cw about it and decide how it should be handled, whether you should talk to her or have someone else do it. But ultimately, she needs to know that this is a big change for everyone and she needs to be respectful of that. It will hurt her feelings, but it will be better for everyone in the long run.

I'm also not sure you are the best person to be helping her handle her issues. You don't want to be a mother figure for her, you are the mother of her child. Of course you want to be there for her as a friend, but you definitely don't want to be the go-to person for her every problem. That won't be healthy for any of you.

Hang in there!

Thanks Mommy-La-Roo for my siggy!

Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

11/3/08 Interracial Adoption class

11/4/08 Adoption awareness class

11/25/08 First homestudy meeting

12/9/08 Second homestudy meeting

12/12/08 Fingerprinting

1/11/09 Home visit

2/20/09 Got our homestudy!

5/5/09 Got a call at 10pm to get to Utah asap!

5/6/09 Met our daughter!!!

AM Blinkie


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 4:41pm
Hi Adrienne....get in touch with Bethany and ask for a meeting to be set up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2002
Thu, 07-08-2010 - 10:24pm

Thank you. I REALLY value the advice from our bmoms here...because you can speak from experience. It's really helpful to a-moms and we appreciate you being honest.
I didn't know you placed her at a year old. I never realized that for some reason.

I guess I really don't know my expectations...
I would like a relationship that is somewhat frequent...but I don't think that's good for her right now. Her SW and her guardian, and a therapist have told her it's not.
I'd like to text her and call