Deciding on whether or not to try for 2

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Deciding on whether or not to try for 2
16
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 4:32pm

Ok. So I see that most of my "waiting mates" (all the ladies that were waiting/matched/adopting the same time as me) are starting or in the process of or thinking about adopting a second child.



I have always said I wanted 2 children.

Cheryl, Mom to 3 year old Aeryn via adoption, TTC since 2003 and finally pregnant via Donor Egg!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2006
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 6:36pm

Hi Cheryl--

We had some of the same concerns when we were thinking about going for #2. Actually, when we were trudging through the airport in Seoul with our first son, we swore that we'd either only do this once or find an easier way to do it next time. But our feelings changed over time, because lo and behold we went back to Russia and did the same thing all over again! LOL

I don't have any great advice for you...except no decisions have to be made TODAY. Maybe set a date in the future where you'd like to decide by, a date you are comfortable with. A month. 3 months. 6 months, whatever it may be.

Hugs.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2008
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 7:41pm
Cheryl, you just wrote what goes through my head every day lately. Sofia's first birthday is this weekend, and we always talked about "with the next one....", but lately I feel like I love our family like it is. I love her on her own, and I don't want to upset that. But then I think she'd be a great sister. I just don't know! I'm an only child and love it, and my husband has 4 siblings and doesn't know how he'd survive being an only child, so we're at an impasse. I have no advice, (which isn't what you wanted to hear, I know...). But I'm with ya in the confusion, if that means anything ;)
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 9:14am

You're right, it's totally your decision and only you will know what is best for you.




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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2007
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 11:54am

Well that is exactly how I felt after Matthew. I had always thought I would have 3 kids. After Matthew I had absolutely no interest in having another baby. It had been married almost 10yrs by the time he was born and I was extremely happy and blessed with the family I had. It wasn't until he turned 4 that I really began considering a 2nd child. We began the process 2 mos after his 4th bday and brought Nate home about 3mos before Matt turned 6. The process took longer than what I was expecting but definitely worth the wait. Now, baby #3...my heart is not there and I am not sure it will ever be. I love having time with each of my kids individually and feel that a 3rd would not allow that as much. Dh says he knows he would love another child but does not feel that he is up for the challenge of having baby. Right now I feel DONE. But I know how your heart can change and am open to it if that is Gods plan.

I agree with the pp, put a time limit on when to talk about it again. See how you feel in 6mos and go from there. There is no wrong answer. Some families are fantastic with 6 kids and some are fantastic with 1.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2002
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 12:18pm

Hugs Cheryl - I am SOOOOOOO right there with you.

Granted, Natalie is only 8 months old, but I am already thinking about this.

As you said, plans clearly mean nothing. Our "plan" was to have two very close together and then be done - all by the time I was 32.

Well I'll be 35 in December and our first will be 1 in January. There are days when I think that it is perfect with just the three of us. We talk a lot about the opportunities Natalie would have if she were an only child.

But then there are days that my heart breaks at the thought of her not having a sibling, days when I can't imagine not having another child. Then the very next day, I tumble in to bed frustrated and exhausted, and I'm once again convinced that one is plenty.

I don't have any helpful advice. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I keep telling myself that, in our case, the answer will just "become clear" to me somehow. That's what I'm praying for, anyway, because I can't imagine having to make the "final" decision.

Hugs!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2009
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 9:10pm

Me too me too!!! I have been wrestling with this for the past few months. Lark just turned 1 year and I always thought I'd have like a gazillion kids, but this road has be trying and difficult. I never thought I'd become a mom at the rate we were going and I feel so blessed, lucky, fortunate, and thrilled to have the perfect little ball of sunshine that we do. Some days I see myself with another and other days I am like.... life is sooo good right now, why mess with it. One (perfect-she really is perfect) kiddo is a great balance in our lives. I enjoy giving her all of my attention and love, but then I think, we are really good at this parenting thing, maybe we should do it again. I also think about Lark and whether it would benefit her to have an adopted sibling. I don't want her to ever feel alone. I once had an adopted adult insist that we adopt again so that Lark has a sibling. Arghhh... it is agonizing to think about some days.

Like you, I am not getting any younger. If we are going to do this again, we need to do it sooner verses later.

Oh and the whole perfect child thing..... I feel like we truly got the perfect child and I am afraid that we may not be so lucky the next time. Is that dumb? maybe that's dumb, but I think about that too. What if I don't love the next baby as much as I love my Lark????

I know this isn't exactly helpful, but I am SO GLAD to hear that someone else is in the same boat!

Good luck on your decision,

Lil

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 10:36pm

Lil, about the perfect child thing we have the exact same conversation ALL THE TIME!

Cheryl, Mom to 3 year old Aeryn via adoption, TTC since 2003 and finally pregnant via Donor Egg!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 10:52pm
I am so glad to hear I am not the only one with these feelings (and that many with the same feelings have gone on to happily have more kiddos!)
Cheryl, Mom to 3 year old Aeryn via adoption, TTC since 2003 and finally pregnant via Donor Egg!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2002
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 12:20am

I thought about your question all week.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2002
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 1:52pm
Lil, you are not alone in that feeling!!! Mike and I talk *a lot* about how going for a second child might be 'tempting fate' ... not only is our child perfect (she seriously is SUCH a good baby), but the process went smoothly and it was pretty much the perfect situation with her birth parents ... It seems unlikely that things would fall into place so *perfectly* again ...
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