Diving in, but is Hubby on board?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Diving in, but is Hubby on board?
Wed, 09-05-2012 - 9:20pm

Hi all!
I'm hoping to connect with someone I can chat with. I'm an adoptee, married to my best friend who just happens to be a Navy Submariner. We'd like to adopt twins next year, but I'm really struggling with this.

See, I have one ovary (one was removed due to tumors), Endometriosis, Fibriods, and PCOS. And I'm already nearly 33. He's 29 and neither of us have kids, so we're looking forward to growing our family.

Knowing that he's a Submariner and will be gone a lot (about 6 months/year, in about 2 sets of deployments), I am actually not worried about the fact that infertility is an issue for me. What pains me is the feeling that I'm disappointing him (totally irrational, I know). He hasn't gotten tested for fertility yet. Everytime I bring it up, he seems to shut down. I keep hearing that he's tired (which is legit - he's currently working a 11pm-6am shift), and just doesn't want to talk about it, but he was the one who was completely behind it last week.

So I'd really like someone to bounce some of these crazy emotions off of - someone who's "been there done that". Maybe I'm an odd duck in that Adopting was ALWAYS my "Plan A" for having kids. I'm adopted myself and it was a HUGE blessing in my life. It's his "Plan B" for sure and I'm having trouble understanding where he's coming from regarding "passing on a legacy", etc.  Could use some outside insight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 10:30am
I agree husbands feel a lot of guilt if they can't reproduce for their wives .. I think they struggle with it more than women do. They just don't express it in the same way.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Sat, 09-15-2012 - 11:28pm


Welcome to the board!  We began foster-to-adopt after learning of my husband's sterility - we've now adopted once and have had 13 foster children (and one biological son, our infertility is secondary...).  It's been a crazy journey!

I can't speak for your husband, but I can say that in our situation and a lot I've seen it takes men a while to come around to adoption.  Frankly, it takes a lot of men a while to come around to the idea of having their first child.  Whether they're afraid of commitment or that they're going to hurt the baby or that they're going to be bad at it - what ever it is they aren't as eager to be parents as women are most of the time.  Add into that the complication of biological vs. adoption which is a real challenge for some people to get over and it can make it confusing for men to deal with.  Right or wrong we're raised with the idea that if we have unprotected sex we WILL have a baby and so the idea that may not happen for you is something to get used to and for me was really, really hard to comprehend in the beginning.  Your husband may be questioning the decision to adopt or he may just be thinking through it all and trying to process.  Or, he just might not act the way you expect him to - I know I've learned that about my hubby!

I hope you find a safe group here to help you on your journey!