I need advice. (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
I need advice. (long)
2
Thu, 04-17-2003 - 9:27pm
Hello. I have agreed to accept letters from Skyler and Michael's birthmom and birthgrandma. We received the first letters today. They say a few things that I will not be able to read to Skyler. She writes, "From Your Mommy," and "I'll see you soon!" Well, I am her Mommy, I don't want to confuse her. I don't know what to call her birthmom. Birthmom seems mean, maybe Mommy followed by birthmoms name. What do you think? BMom isn't going to be seeing Skyler soon. She still has 5 months in jail, and even when she is out we will not be ready to have visits. To be honest, I'm not sure we will ever be ready.

So, the plan is to just leave out some parts of the letters, then save them so Skyler will have them when she is older. What do we do when she learns to read, but is still too young to understand?

I hope these letters don't cause her to start asking for visits again. There are times (like these), when I wish I was her only Mom :) Really, I am glad BMom is staying in touch. Everday we pray that her BMom will get clean, now I will have to pray that she comes to terms with Skyler's adoption----and that I understand her roll in Skyler's life!

Thanks for reading.

Dawn

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-18-2003 - 1:09am
Hi Dawn - My situation isn't quite the same but I'm going through very similar emotions right now. It's not necessarily advice, but I'll share my thoughts on the subject. Lacy's birthmom is suddenly interested in her recently although her TPR hearing is in less than a month. I'm told this is typical for dysfunctional (for lack of a better word) people when faced with deadlines, anniversaries, etc. At one visit she gave Lacy a stuffed toy with a tag addressed to Lacy's original name and signed from 'Mom'. She won't be seeing that until she's much older, if at all.

I went in to this knowing I didn't want an open adoption, but having total empathy for the birth family. But now that I'm utterly in love with MY daughter and I know more about this family, I realize THEY put themselves into this position, not me. Obviously I won't go into details with Lacy when she's young and I will put a positive spin on how her birth mom (I'm still not sure what term to use yet either. Mommy should be earned), just wasn't able or ready to be a mommy yet. If I were you, I would be reluctant to show the kids anything or have contact if the BMom is still communicating as though she were the mommy, currently. It will confuse them.

My caseworker admired my compassion, as I do yours, but remember these precious babies are our first priority. Giving them warm fuzzies about the woman who had them, but couldn't keep them isn't doing them any favors. I'm going to be honest with Lacy in a loving way but save some of the sad details for when she's mature and grounded. This is hard when you're trying to look down the road a few years! Some friends of mine did a semi-open adoption involving contact and visits with the birth grandmother and they say they're already regretting it. Anyway, I've rambled on for more than 2cents worth but I've obviously thought alot about this and it gets more emotional of a subject with every day full of my Lacy! Counting the days til May 12th! (TPR) Hang in there and let me know what you decide... Susan (More Mommy each day to Lacy, 13 months)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 11:44pm
Thanks for your reply. We do have a very open adoption with Michael's grandparents and all of his family (with the exception of his birthmom and birthdad). It is my opinion that his relatives have not done anything wrong and should not lose their grandchild/nephew/cousin simply because they are too afraid of the birthdad to adopt Michael.

I want my kids to know that their birthmom did love them with all her heart (I know that she does through the contact we have had with her and the letters she has written us.) I also want them to know that she was unable to parent them and this is why God gave them to us.

Good luck with the TPR in May. We are working on the our second TPR through Riverside county. The first was continued three times before they did it. This one has been continued once. We had the same concerns with the birthmom trying to make an effort at the very end. Looking back, I don't know why we worried. You shouldn't worry either. They don't get this far and then give the kids back--it just won't happen. Services have been terminated at this point. If she couldn't do her programs with the support of social services she most certainly won't be able to without their support!

Thanks again for your response. I need to remember that she put her self in the position of losing her kids.

Dawn

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