Many, many questions

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2009
Many, many questions
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 8:06am

I have a lot of questions, I'm hoping to get some answers from the experts, lol!

Ok, we have been with a facilitator for a year and a half. It's a small agency, they only work with 30 - 40 families at a time. They have a good track record, advertising "we adopted in 3 months, 6 months, 8 months, etc." We have had no interest by a BM, not one has requested our profile, we aren't picky about anything, excpet gender, we want a girl. I know this is the way it can go, I really don't have any issue with that, except frustration of course! The director is so nice, very helpful, accessible anytime. She emailed me an agency that had 5 BMs that needed placement , I think this is called an Outreach Program? Of course, agency fees are way higher then they are with our facilitator.

Quest #1- agency vs facilitator. Having talked to the agency, I see why they have high fees, with

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2002
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 12:16pm

I am no expert but....but here are my thoughts and questions back to you. LOL

Who does your faciltator work with- Dr's offices, agencies, just marketing on their own, etc?
Ask them how many placements they have in a year.
I don't know what is avagerage but our agency works with
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2002
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 10:44pm

The situation in Question #2 sounds pretty familiar....and our family is very blessed..............

but I wanted to mention - we were told "boy" from an ultrasound done after a large seizure....and um...denote below...not so much! LOL!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 12:48am

Well, I'm definitely not an expert but I'll throw in my 2 cents.

1. I'd find out from your facilitator how many times you've been presented to various expectant mom's in the last year and a half. I think that can give you an idea if you are being shown and just not chosen, or the showings just aren't happening because you don't fit what the birthmoms are looking for, or the other way around. I do think that it may be time to open up your search with additional agencies or referral programs. Like Adrienne mentioned, there are agencies that require no fee's upfront (or just a small nominal fee) to show your profile to expectant moms. Then the fee's are either due at placement, or a portion of it is due at match and can rollover if she changes her mind. This way you can get your profile out there.

If you can even entertain the idea of spending close to $40K for an adoption I think you have the leeway of researching your options regarding agencies and seeing what else is out there. Honestly $37K sounds like a lot. Not the highest I've seen, but definitely up there, no wonder they are having to "outreach" for such a situation.

From what you say, it sounds like you aren't really comfortable with the situation you mentioned, but are trying to talk yourself into it. If you found out this very minute that that situation went away would you say "man I wish we would have jumped on that!" or would you be relieved? I think what your instant gut reaction to that will give you an answer to how you should proceed. I know it's extremely frustrated to wait, but his child will be with you forever, their children will be your grandchildren. It's not a decision to take lightly. So just be sure to not go with a situation because it will get a baby into your home faster, because while that may happen you'll be living with the child and their issues forever. I know there are no guarantee's with children whether bio or through adoption, but you need to be comfortable with the worst case scenario with the risk factors.

We went through a contested adoption (we found out two weeks after our DD was born that her 15 year old birthfather was contesting the adoption) and it was horrible, absolutely horrible. Don't go that route with unknowing birthfather issues unless you absolutely feel 100% that's what you should do and want to take that risk. Of course, oftentimes things work out. But they often don't. I think gone are the days where birthfathers want nothing to do with the pregnancy. It's pretty common that they either a. want to make life difficult for birthmom and that means going against their adoption plan b. genuinely wanting to parent c. trying to assert some control in the situation. I've seen situations where children have gone back to their birthfathers after YEARS being in an adoptive home, since birth even. Don't kid yourself that it won't happen to you. It happens.

I hope you can get some peace of mind with the agencies and situations you are looking at. Make sure you look around to find a good, reliable agency. There are a few agencies in our state that seem to always be looking for families to present to their birthmoms and place children of all nationalities. If you want any info please pm me. Best of luck in your decisions!!!


March 2003 - started TTC

July 2006 - sent into packet into adoption agency

January 2007 - finally Approved!!!

May 2007 - met an emom at the agency who chose another family

July 2007 - formally matched w/ emom

October 2007 - our daughter is born :)

November 2007 - found out bfather was contesting. stuck in ICPC limbo for 3.5 months

Feb 2008 - court didn't go well for bfather and he voluntarily relinquished rights

Feb 2009 - finally had enough funds to pursue IVF treatments. scheduled to start in August.

June 2010 - surprised with positive pregnancy test!

January 2010 - our son is born :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2009
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 5:24pm

Thanks for the replies! We decided against the BM on all the meds, and the BM with the crazy BF decided to parent, so that took care of that!

Our profile has not picked, not once, in fact, no interest shown at all. I know it's been handed out, because we are running low on

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2007
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 9:51pm

I'd recommend this book: