my adopted 10 yr. old is having problems dealing with his bio mom keeping her new baby

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2012
my adopted 10 yr. old is having problems dealing with his bio mom keeping her new baby
Sat, 11-03-2012 - 4:43am

Hi,  I'm new here and need some advice.  I adopted my son at birth,with an open adoption.  He was born drug addicted, and alcohol exposed, and is now 10 years old.  I tried to involve the bio mom twice when he was 1 and then again at 2, but both times she couldn't handle being around a baby.  She called recently and asked if she could see him because she is now sober (for 8 months) , pregneant and getting married.  I told her it would be great if she would write him a letter and go from there, but she somehow called while I was busy and talked to my Son.  Now he is very angry and sad, because in his words "why didn't she want me?", and "Will she give us this baby?".   She asked if I would bring my Son to her wedding!  He said "no way", and now she says that she is going to an attorney because it's an open adoption and she has rights.  I don't want this to become ugly, but I don't want my Son hurt either.  Am I doing the right thing in not allowing her to come to my home?  Should I talk to my attorney?  All I know is I don't want my Son hurt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2011

Your son's feelings have to come first.   If he has said "No way" then you should go with that.   He is old enough to have input.   My kids are 11, 9, 8, and 7.   Their bio-mom is my husband's niece so he talks to her fairly regularly.   Only one of the four kids ever wants to talk to her and that's not even very frequently.   We let them decide.  My oldest has said in no uncertain terms that she never wants to talk to her.  She is unaware of the extent of abuse that she endured in the first few years but she knows what the younger 2 went through (the younger 2 were born to and stayed with bio mom for several years after we got the older 2).   I will never force any of them to talk with her or see her.  Stand your ground, you don't need to be concerned about hurting her feelings, you need to be your son's advocate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2008

I am so sorry to hear about your son.  I would definatly contact your lawyer.  Even with an open adoption if she did not keep up her part of the agreement then the open adoption terms may be voided and the terms of the open adoption would no longer have any validity.  It is very sad that she chose not to have a realtionship with him for the first 10 years of his life and has now decided that she wants to be a part of his life and turn his life upside down.  You may be able to get a court order that prevents her from contacting him directly.  I would strongly reccommend looking into what your rights are.  You are his parent and have raised him.  The courts granted your adoption and his bio mothers rights were terminated so in the eyes of the law she is not his mother and does not have any rights to him and cannot demand to see him.  I would not allow her into my home and if she showed up on my door step I would probibly call the cops.

As his mother it is your job to protect him.  I think you were very generious in offering her the oppertunity to write him a letter as she has made no effort in the past 10 years to be a part of his life.  If she wants to be a part of his life and you are willing to allow her the oppertunity then you will need to have some ground rules in place as to how and when communication/visits take place.  I would not take him to the wedding as he has expressed his desire not to go.  i would also look into counseling as he has and will have alot of mixed and unexplained feelings with reguard to his birth mom and where he fits into the world.  I am so sorry that he has to go through this.  He is luck to have a mom like you that cares about him.  Please contact your lawyer and discuss what is going on so that you are prepared for what might happen but also so that you are informed of your own rights as a parent.  Please don't let his birth mom threaten you into doing something that you and your son don't want to have happen just beacuse after 10 years she has decided that she wants to be a parent.  She gave up that right 10 years ago.

Good luck with this.

(By the way I'm all for open adoption as long as it is done with the childs best interest at heart and is not about the adults.)




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