my adopted 10 yr. old is having problems dealing with his bio mom keeping her new baby

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2012
my adopted 10 yr. old is having problems dealing with his bio mom keeping her new baby
3
Sat, 11-03-2012 - 4:45am

Hi,  I'm new here and need some advice.  I adopted my son at birth,with an open adoption.  He was born drug addicted, and alcohol exposed, and is now 10 years old.  I tried to involve the bio mom twice when he was 1 and then again at 2, but both times she couldn't handle being around a baby.  She called recently and asked if she could see him because she is now sober (for 8 months) , pregneant and getting married.  I told her it would be great if she would write him a letter and go from there, but she somehow called while I was busy and talked to my Son.  Now he is very angry and sad, because in his words "why didn't she want me?", and "Will she give us this baby?".   She asked if I would bring my Son to her wedding!  He said "no way", and now she says that she is going to an attorney because it's an open adoption and she has rights.  I don't want this to become ugly, but I don't want my Son hurt either.  Am I doing the right thing in not allowing her to come to my home?  Should I talk to my attorney?  All I know is I don't want my Son hurt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2007

I'm an adoptive mom to four (3 birth mothers).  We have open adoptions with all of them but they all look different one from the other.

We've vacationed with one (and her parents), we visit with another annually (at a local eatery) and the third...we talk via phone and email photos.

Without knowing more details, I would throw these ideas out for you:

Agree to meet with her-just the two of you (without your son).  Meet at a restaurant.  Talk through things.  Bring her some photos of your son/artwork he's done, etc.  Your objective:  Assess where she is emotionally, etc.  If things go well, you could talk through a meeting with your son.  Share your expectations for the meeting/concerns, etc.  If it doesnt go well, tell her you need to think about things and get back with her but you are glad to be in touch (even if this just means photos, etc.)

Then, a meeting could also be in public.  You could go out to lunch.  

If it goes well, you could do something else (bowling, picnic, etc.).  


If/When our 3rd birth mom's life improves, we'll be going down this road. For the other two, meetings in public places were were things started.

I try to live by:  Love the "unlovable" ... People the world says we shouldn't give attention to...Hopefully, you get a few positive surprises.  Meeting as adults is the safest place to start, IMHO. 

All the best.

-K 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2007

I think some of it would depend on how "open" your adoption agreement is. Did you say you'd let her see him X # of times a year, send just pics/letters. etc. I wouldn't have him attend the wedding, personally. I can see why he is angered, and as a child Im sure its hard for him to understand why his bio mom didn't keep him, but is keeping this 2nd child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2007

I think some of it would depend on how "open" your adoption agreement is. Did you say you'd let her see him X # of times a year, send just pics/letters. etc. I wouldn't have him attend the wedding, personally. I can see why he is angered, and as a child Im sure its hard for him to understand why his bio mom didn't keep him, but is keeping this 2nd child.