New Here --

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
New Here --
10
Sun, 04-20-2003 - 7:14am
I am new here -- I decided to forgo the ttc website msg board of which I have been a regular part for over a year. I have recurrent m/c's and am nearing the end of trying to conceive a child. DH and I considered IVF, but because we have a limited amount of $ to work with, we are a little apprehensive because of my history of m/c. I don't know if I can spend all of that money only to have me m/c at 7-8 wks. Adoption is a very logical choice. I know emotionally it is probably more taxing, but at least I can't m/c.

I would love to know how you began the process -- from the decision to choosing which way to go. We are very interested in international. But the cost is so high although you don't have to worry about someone trying to get their baby back.

Can someone tell me about the foster programs? Is it easy to get infants and small toddlers?

All info welcome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: shc65
Sun, 04-20-2003 - 8:40pm
welcome to the board, sho65. congratulations on your and your dh's decision to adopt. you will find that its a very unique process, and no one answer for your questions. my dh and i adopted 19 month old twins about a year ago in a state adoption, whereas my twins were wards of the state (parental rights terminated). if you are interested in a foster to adopt process, my suggestion would be to contact your county social services agencies and get their information. every state is different, so its best to contact the agencies and talk to the caseworkers involved. they will be able to answer your questions, but please post again and let us know how things are going. this board is great for feedback and support.

good luck!!

ginny (mommy to twins, david & sara, 2 1/2 years old)

Ginny (mommy to twins, David & Sara -- 5 years old)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: shc65
Sun, 04-20-2003 - 11:53pm
Welcome to the board and possibly, the journey of adoption. I'll add a little of the same info to Ginny's post since I too am adopting through the county, here in California. I researched ALOT before making this very big decision and international wasn't really an option because of money too. Also, it's a lot of unknown. I'm very pro-county right now. I'm single, jumped through the hoops, went to the classes and got licensed to foster (in the adoption program here you have to be licensed first.) I waited 9 months from that point and 3 months ago I got the call that my little girl was ready for me. If you're worried that 'state children' are only older, drug exposed, or full of problems, don't. My daughter was 10 months old and perfect. I have many friends that have also adopted infants and toddlers with little or no baggage. The laws have changed quite a bit in recent years so when I got the call, the mother's services had been terminated already so the risk of return is very low. Her rights will be terminated next month. There are issues and it's stressful, but when you've gone through as much you already have, it will probably feel like a piece of cake!

My biggest suggestion is to read all you can, ask lots of questions, and check out different agencies, private or state. The 'right' path will then be very clear and when you meet your child the wait will seem like nothing. Good luck and godspeed. - Susan
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: shc65
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 7:35am
Thank you so much to both of you -- my fear with US adoptions is that I don't want the bparents to know anything about me or dh at all. If their rights are terminated, can they ever try to reclaim them or find out where you live or anything? I am interested in looking into foster to adoption programs now.

One thing with many private adoption agencies in the US is that they have so many requirements -- no previous divorce, younger parents, etc. We are late 30s, mid 40s so many private agencies said they wouldn't work with us. Plus, they were very much in favor of "open" adoptions and I am not keen on that. I have a friend whose daughter did that and had many many issues because of it. They were very close to the family and saw the child regularly.

Thanks, again, and I am going to look into DSS.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: shc65
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 12:29am
Glad to help! By the way, I'm 41, single AND got placed within a year. With my county, you tell them how open you want/don't want the adoption. Mine is closed. The birth family has seen me due to a couple of visits with the baby, but they don't know my name or address - everything is handled through the county office. If you get a good social worker they'll be straight about your level of risk and just be sure to ask all the questions you can think of. There's an appeal period after termination of rights but they have to go through the hoops. Birthparents aren't able to 'reclaim' their child without a heck of a fight once they're in the system. Good luck - Susan
Avatar for youngluv4ever
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: shc65
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 9:25am
I wanted to let you know that not all states are as good about having young children to adopt. :( I'm in IL and the chances of adopting a child under 8 are very small. Most children are fostered by family and most family are willing to take a very young child. When we inquired about adopting the cw told us that they had a couple that had been waiting for 3 yrs for a child under 2. Also some states are not good about TPRs and will allow a child to be returned to a parent who has finally decided to make an effort at the end (my foster brother was 4 1/2 and we had had him since he was 6 mon) So while it may all workk out wonderfully there are some states you just don't want to work with. Unfortunately IL is one of them. However we have adopted a beautiful little boy this January and have an open adoption http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/y/youngluv4ever Praise God. So althought fanofosu, dawnlouise and faerisrus have all adopted young children from the system it all depends on the state your in. I wish you all the best.

God bless,

Missy

 decemberc.jpg picture by youngluv4ever

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: shc65
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 11:30pm
Missy - Thanks for the reality check. I've been so giddy about my daughter and the relatively smooth transition that I forget that it's not like that everywhere. Even in the next county over they have more obstacles than where I'm at. I feel even more blessed. Newcomers should know all the facts - pro or con. Thanks again - Susan:-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: shc65
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 7:06am
It is very overwhelming -- there are so many ifs ands and buts in the process. I gather all of the info and try to spell it out for DH. He gives me this perplexed look. What about these websites that have photo listings of children up for adoption. I found one but it was all international. THey are children/babies through international agencies.

Oh, one more thing...what do you do to check out the legitimacy of an agency?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
In reply to: shc65
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 8:44am
Hello! You have been getting some very good advice. One gal suggested Catholic Social Services (CSS) and I would have to second her recommendation. They, of course, are a free service and you don't have to be Catholic. We are currently registered with them in South Dakota and we are Luthern. They are very, very kind and helpful. Totally non-judgemental. Through them you can get medical assistance if you need it also. You can also contact anyone of the offices throughout the United States. They tend to adopt out in the area where you register, so if you live in a small area and don't want that chance of running into the family you adopt out to, I would suggest going out of the area. Also, they do a very thorough (is this how you spell this?) job of selecting prospective families. A background check is done along with an intensive homestudy. They are wonderful people. I hope I have been a little helpful. I know this is extremely overwhelming and the more you think about it the more confusing it is. I would have to say I would caution against some of the websites you are looking at. Please be careful. One thing to consider is that many of these agencies are making a huge amount of money. One private agency we checked with wanted $24,000 for adoption fees. Now, you and I both know it doesn't cost that much to put a child in a home. CSS is non-profit so their fees are very low. If you have any questions, I would be glad to help. If you would like the number to CSS I could get that for you. Good luck. You are in my thoughts and prayers!
Avatar for denise2angels
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: shc65
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 1:09pm
Hi!! You have goten alot of good advice. Adoption was our decision after 8 years of not able to have another child and 3 mc's. We have a bio-daughter who is 11 and decided to go the adoption jouney. What a Wonderful journey it has been for us. We began when I had just turned 41 and dh 40. We live in Ohio and went through a private agency, my sister adopted my niece who is now 8 through this same agency and had a wonderful outcome. We had all our paperwork etc. clear our sw. desk in June of 2001 and in April of 2002 about 10 months we recieved our call we had been waiting for a little boy was born on Sat.April 20th and was asked if we could pick hime up on Wed. April 24th. WE went right up to the nursery of the hospital where he was born and brought him home. Zachary is a true gift from God and it was meant to be for us to have recieved such a Wonderful gift. Zachary just tunrned one on this last Sunday- Easter!!! He is such a joy and his big sister and he get along wonderfully. Don't let your ages cause you not to consider one of the Greatest journeys of your life. Good luck to you and God's speed!!! You are in my thoughts and prayers. God is Good!! Denise( mom to Zachary just 1 year old)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: shc65
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 8:19pm
I am so open to adoption -- I really look forward to it. I just don't know where to start. Will CSS frown upon a father who is divorced? I guess all I can do is ask.

Thank you so much -- I know I will have a ton more questions.