Wanting to get back into foster care..not sure

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2006
Wanting to get back into foster care..not sure
2
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 2:50pm

Hi ladies.  I'm new to this part of the site, I'm usually reading or posting on TTC.  My husband and I are approved foster care parents through DHHR.  Last summer we took in two different kids, one was a 4 year old and the other was 2 1/2.  Each time they only stayed the weekend and went back to their mothers.  Although we had fun while they were here, it was so much harder than we thought it was going to be.  My husband and I felt a little sadness when they left, we also felt a huge relief.  Did any of you feel like that in the beginning?  Both times I cried everytime I went into the bathroom, wondering what I got myself into.  I didn't let them see it and even the 4 year old asked if she could stay with us forever, so to them we were very happy.  When does it stop feeling like you're babysitting and feel more like your child and that you're a family or does it ever feel like that?  I think I could've grown attached to the 2 1/2 year old, but in the moment I was scared to death and wanted DHHR to call and say he was going back to his mother.  My husband and I would love to have a family of our own, but I don't ever want to take a child in or even have a child of my own and regret it.  As of right now we're only on the adoption wait list with DHHR, but I've been talking to another agency that helps place foster children.  They get their kids through DHHR, they help when DHHR is overloaded or too busy to place a child.  They actually even do more to help you and are there 24/7 with support.  So, we've been thinking about getting back into it and taking in more kids in hopes to adopt one of them.  The guy through this agency said every family he's worked with that has wanted to adopt, has been able to.  I'm just afraid of getting a child for a long period of time and crying every day over it, I just want to know it gets easier having these kids in your life.  Thanks for any support you can give me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2008
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 8:27am

Welcome!!!

I think what you have expressed and felt in the past is normal.  DH and I adopted our two oldest son's a year ago yesterday.  They lived with us for two years before the adoption became final.  They are brothers that came to us at the ages of 5 1/2 years and 8 months.  We got them 3 weeks before the oldest one started kindergarden and they both came with NOTHING.  They were scared as they were removed from their parents and were taken straight to our home the caseworker stayed for a few minuets and then left to return later that day (she went to the home to try to locate any belongings she could).

My Husband was the only one home when they came as I was out of town for work and came home later.  I walked in the door and I will never forget the look of sheer terror on both the boys faces as well as my DH.  I honestly don't know who was more scared.

I remeber thinking for the next few days what had I gotten myself into.  Could I really do this?  I was very overwhelmed with an infant and little boy who had just been ripped away from their family and put in a strangers home.  They were very unsure of what was going on.  They did not have anything of comfort (no toys other than what we had at our home, CYS could not find any clothes for either boy, no favorite stuffed animal).  After things became more comfortable and a routine developed I found my self settling in and instead of thinking what did I get myself into, it was more what happens if they leave?

It was hard and took a lot of work but I can not imagine myself without all of my boys ( I gave birth to our youngest son 10 months after the boys came into our home).  They are all our children and I would not have wanted to do anything different.

Only you and DH can decide if this is right for you but know that the feelings that you shared are normal and any change can lead to doubts.  If it is something that you want to do go ahead and try again.  Do you know any other families who foster/foster to adopt?  They can be great resources to have someone who has been there and understands the emotions you are feeling.

Good luck.

 

 

Lilypie Waiting to Adopt tickers Lilypie First Birthday tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2006
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 6:19pm

Thank you SOOO much for your story!  You even brought tears to my eyes, to know that someone felt the exact same way that I did and it all worked out for the good.  I would love to adopt, even if my DH and I are able to have our own child.  I honestly feel like I can breathe, I've been so stressed wondering if it's something we should try again or avoid all together.  We've wanted a family for so long and I hated that we didn't click with either child immediately.  Now I know, it does take time and I really think if we would've had a child for even just two weeks, it would've made a world of difference.  Thank you again for writing back and I'm so happy for you that everything worked out and you were blessed with 3 wonderful boys.