In need of some advice...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2005
In need of some advice...
6
Sat, 09-17-2011 - 12:13pm

I'm fairly sure none of ya'll have dealt with this, but was hoping that maybe some good old-fashioned common sense would allow ya'll to help me with this one.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2005
Sun, 09-18-2011 - 10:26am

That must be very difficult, Heather.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008
Mon, 09-19-2011 - 1:05pm
Oh my...

Can I be honest? Your post made my blood pressure rise a bit! I guess it is because these precious little boys were around when he made the decision to marry you and be in their life. I can understand that he needs his sleep, but he has got to be realistic about it. Kids are kids and trying to keep them quiet all the time so he can nap has got to be draining (for you and disappointing for them).

I also don't quite understand how he doesn't *get* them. I mean, it sounds like he's been around for most of Alex's life. You've only had a little longer time with him than he has. Weird that he doesn't really seem to get kids at this point!

I wish I had great advice for you, but unfortunately I don't. I really like Laura's idea about going in for counseling. Do you think he'd be willing to give that a try?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2005
Mon, 09-19-2011 - 1:23pm
When I say he doesn't "get" them, I mean he has no previous experience with kids so he doesn't realize they are how they should be. Perhaps his expectations have been set by TV/movies because it's all he's had to go on. Yes, he's been around Alex since before he was 1 year old, but he's never been around a 2 year old, a 3 year old, etc. to realize that my boys are "normal". His expectations are so unrealistic that, short of children from the 1800s, I don't think any child could meet his standard. He thinks they should never fight, never yell, never talk above a normal "adult tone", never interrupt, never listen to anyone's conversation, etc. Makes me think of the whole "children should be seen, not heard" mentality.
If we can't work something more reasonable out, I'm going to ask him to go with me to some form of counselor.
Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008
Mon, 09-19-2011 - 1:33pm
Ahhh, I see what you mean. Yes, you are right- it does sound like he has the whole "seen, not heard" mentality. I can only imagine that this gives you a great of stress. Where you able to talk to him about this yet? If not, I wish you the best of luck. Let us know how it goes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2005
Mon, 09-19-2011 - 1:57pm
"A great deal of stress" is putting it mildly.
Our talk hasn't occurred yet and I'm praying for the right words. What I really want to do is scream "stop being a little baby and making us miserable and be a man!!!"...I doubt that's gonna help. ;)
Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Tue, 09-20-2011 - 2:15pm
All I can say is what you want to scream is what I have to say about the whole thing. I held off responding because, like Kristy, I was a bit miffed at the way he treats the boys. He chose to marry you knowing the boys were part of the package and it seems he's forgotten that.

Even though he hasn't been around kids, other than yours, by now the "seen and not heard" theory is obviously not how it works. I would look for some family counseling or even some local classes on stepparenting or stepfamilies. He is in a position to be an incredible role model in your boys' lives, hopefully he will realize the positive force he can be for them.

Good luck and keep us posted!

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