AP'ing a 2-year old

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2007
AP'ing a 2-year old
6
Fri, 01-22-2010 - 2:17am

I am totally frazzled. I thought I had laid a great foundation for my DS, and that he would be over his insecurities by now.

We co-slept for a year, until he was ready to sleep on his own. I wore him for about 16 months, until I was too pregnant to wear him anymore, but he was too busy to sit in a wrap anyway. I breastfed until I was 2 months pregnant (he was 14 months old). I still lie in bed with him until he falls asleep.

But this child is super insecure. He cries for ages if he doesn't get his way. He cries when I leave for work. He's had the same nanny for 2 years and he has a great relationship with her, but he still doesn't want me leaving for work. He's started waking up multiple times at night just for comfort.

But the thing that gets me most is his stubbornness - I'll ask him to put something down / stop climbing the kitchen cupboards / put his shoes on, whatever, and sometimes he will just totally ignore me until I physically do it for him. I know he understands and can carry out the instruction, because he's done it many times before. And using the potty too- he can do it perfectly, but sometimes he just chooses not to.

How do I react to his stubbornness without losing my cool? What can I say to myself before I blow up? I worry that he will "forget" his potty training - sometimes he asks for a diaper and then I let him wear one, but what if he decides he just wants to stay in diapers? Forever?

I'm just finding myself getting increasingly impatient, and getting into a pattern of losing my temper, which makes me feel awful. But I don't know what else to do. I don't want to be over-permissive and let him walk all over me, but I don't want to control him either. How do I get him to be "a good boy"?

And when will the insecurity go away? He won't let me do anything for his little sister, which bothers me because I used to do so much in the way of stimulation when he was a baby.

I'm not sure if I'm expecting too much of him because he can understand and speak so well, or if I'm not setting strong enough boundaries.

siggy2
siggy2
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2007
Fri, 01-22-2010 - 8:05am

Have you read Ames & Ilg's book "Your Two Year Old"? It's very helpful in knowing what you can expect from kids at that age. The discipline stuff, not so great, but you can ignore that. :)

Have you seen the 5 Steps? http://aolff.org/grace-based-discipline/the-5-steps We skip from step 1 to step 4 right now.

BBL!

Loral


Loral


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2008
Sat, 01-23-2010 - 8:56am

Patience!

He sounds like a typical two year old to me. The stages at two and in the teen years are essentially the same developmentally. At two they're trying to gain control over their world and figure out who they are separate from mommy. In the teen years they are trying to take control over their world and figure out where they fit in it. He's controlling his world by being stubborn. I have one of those too! The potty has become a complete power struggle for us so I've tried to let it go. I don't want it to be a power struggle so I try not to say anything about it which is really really hard.

My kids have been going to the same daycare provider since they were infants and there are still days where Samantha won't talk to her when I bring them over although I admit that those are rare.

Just try to be patient. He'll get through it!

(((BIG HUGS)))

My advice would be to choose your battles. If you have to go somewhere and he doesn't want to put on his shoes than you've got to just do it and do what you have to do even if he doesn't like it but if you're staying in and he doesn't want to get dressed, let him stay in pjs. Try to let him make choices, most of which you'll have pre-arranged.

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Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2006
Sat, 01-23-2010 - 10:54am

I probably could have written your post about a year ago.


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             &nb
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2007
Sun, 01-24-2010 - 4:16pm

Thanks for all the support and information - it's all really helpful.

I'm glad to know it all sounds normal, but I also did some introspection and changed a few things. I think before I yell now, and weigh up the necessity of yelling. Like, DS painting the kitchen with water and a pastry brush does not warrant yelling. Trying to get him to move away from the hot stove quickly, maybe warrants yelling, but next time I'll try getting to him faster and explaining rather than yelling.

Phew, this is a steep learning curve...

I have also decided to take him to a cranio-sacral therapist. This is what she says about babies who need therapy:

"Symptoms: As a baby - Excessive crying or an irritable baby who prefers to be held or rocked to sleep; feeding problems - slow feeder with weak suck or voracious feeder who has to suck all the time and often has a preferred feeding side; colic and excessive wind; sleep problems - light sleeper who wakes often"
"Symptoms: as a toddler - A child who sits, crawls and walks early, seeking movement to relieve physical discomfort. Does not become engrossed in activities and prefers to stay on the move; sleep patterns may remain disturbed; behavior is often at the difficult end of normal toddler behavior; teething may be particularly uncomfortable; banging the head or pulling at the head or hair".

I can tick off most of those for Nikhil, and the therapy is very gentle, so I'm hoping it will make a difference.

siggy2
siggy2
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2008
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 11:10am
2 and 3 year olds are really good at trying your patience. Hang in there and try to be patient. We all learn as we go!
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Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Sat, 02-13-2010 - 7:46am

I just read a really amazing book called "Your Competent Child", which is written by a psychologist who has been a famoly therapist for 20 years (Jesper Juul). It describes how children develop, and is very much in line with the whole AP thing, which to me is also about helping your child build self esteem and personal responsibility while preserving their dignity.


It would help you understand the background for your sons behaviour.