I NEED to get this.... for the stability of my family & my sanity!!

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Registered: 03-30-1999
I NEED to get this.... for the stability of my family & my sanity!!
1
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 10:20am

Ok, so I will start off by saying this Vertigo is NOT helping AT ALL! I am doing better than last week and most of the dizziness has subsided, but my head still feels cloudy and lopsided. Not a good combination when lots of concentration on new parenting skills is needed. And school is closed from Hurricane Sandy so I am stuck home - alone- with two little vulture children who are circling around my vulnerabilities!

As I have stated before, things have been getting better with DS10. As a result of the tensions in the house, DS10 has been much better behaved. DH has said he doesn't think it'll last and that as soon as things get more relaxed, DS10 will go back to being rude, disrespectful and manipulative. Of course, being his mom and wanting all of this to just go away, I didn't believe it. But yesterday DS10 did a few things that prove DH is right and I still have my head up my you-know-what....

In the morning DS10 & DS5 were playing together. DS10 is very bossy and tries to control everything. He even thinks he is a little parent and that DS5 should listen to him, even though we have said thousands of times that is not the case. DS5 came running out of the room crying that DS10 had told him to take a bucket off his head. DS10 immediately chimed in saying he did it to "protect" his brother and that the bucket "would hurt him". So I thought, gee, he's trying to help - the same logic I always throw to DS10. But it was a big bucket and DS5 was trying to be a ROBOT! I checked it out and there was NO safety hazard. This may seem minor, but this is a CONSTANT in the house. (Just now while typing this DS10 was telling DS5 which bags of chips to pick out for a snack and even proceeded to "lead him" (so to speak) to what bag he wanted DS5 to take.) Of course DH got upset and was saying thet DS10 is back to his old ways, manipulating things his way since things have gotten easier (less tense). Not knowing what to do (as usual) I went into DS10's bedroom and "explained to him" that he needs to mind his own business and when he thinks something MAY be a problem to come get an adult! (Again, we've said this over and over and over.... nothing new.)

Later that night after dinner, DH and I were having a discussion about how to make something. I will admit, with my ADHD, the veritgo and the excitement of the hurricane, I was distracted. I was texting our babysitter at the same time..... not a smart move. This only led me to being more distracted. *sigh* (At this point, not being clear headed, I wasn't aware of what was going on. DH and I were still "mid-conversation" while this was going on.) Suddenly DS10 walked right up to me with a book and started asking me questions about it. Now DH was mad. (Unfortunately he is used to me multi-tasking during our conversations because DH does talk alot...) DH spoke to DS10 about how rude it is to walk up to someone during a conversation without saying "Excuse me" or even stopping to listen to see if the conversation is over. Then DH turned to me and pointed out how 1) I didn't do anything about it and 2) this keeps happening because I have never done anything about it and why would DS10 stop now? Dammit.... he DOES have a good point! (On a side note, I left my ADHD medicine at work but I'm going to the psych today and will get more. I definitely need it!)

Now, with all that being said, I came across a very interesting article. This whole thing relates to me. I need strength to get past this.... I NEED to be able to make this change. If you have a chance, take a look at this. http://life.familyeducation.com/behavioral-problems/parenting/36016.html There are a few checklists to figure out which behaviors happen and why - 80-90% of them apply to my situation. And I am the one who gets manipulated. DS10 (and DS5 is learning it) does not have problems anywhere else or with anyone else but me. So I KNOW this is my problem. I have GOT to stop this. I am so upset that DS10 is 10 years old and it feels like I've "wasted" both his and my time not "getting it" until now. And I feel awful.... DH feels so hurt that I haven't been able to act as a mature, responsible parent on the same team as him - even though I constantly say I want to be.

Avatar for cmlisab
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2011

My heart hearts for you! I can tell how much you're really struggling :(   I'm facing similar battles with my 13 year old but luckily, not from my DH so i can imagine how much mor frustrating it makes things for you.

I loved the article and checklist you linked to. I could see my 13 year old in SO much of it.. he is especially bad about putting the blame on everyone but himself. it drives me BATTY.

Hang in there and vent anytime!!

Lisa