I'm making a mess of this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2007
I'm making a mess of this!
7
Thu, 10-22-2009 - 4:11am

I've posted questions here before about disciplining my toddler, while I was pregnant, but I'm still struggling and starting to feel like I'm really being an awful mom.

He is 22 months old, the baby is now nearly 4 weeks old. He's trying to assert his independence, but also rebelling against this "invader" in his family. And I keep reacting to his behavior and then regretting it.

For example, this morning, he picked up my glasses to play with. I told him to put them down please. He said "No!" defiantly and turned his back on me. If it was something else I would have let this battle go and let him have it, but they were my glasses, so I said more firmly, "Nikhil, put the glasses down please!". At which point he broke off one of the arms. So I put him in the naughty corner, and he obediently went and stood there, unconcerned. After about a minute, I went to fetch the baby from the next room, and called him out of the naughty corner to join me. So he came into the room and stood in the corner and said "Naughty corner". He often puts himself in the naughty corner when he doesn't deserve it, which bothers me.

And then, I was changing the baby's diaper (immediately after the above scene) and she was squirting newborn poop all over me, the carpet, the camp cot and her clothes. Nikhil was running up and bumping the changing table. So I said "PLEASE will you go downstairs?". And he gave me the most forlorn, unloved, dejected look and hurried downstairs. Which had me in tears (after I had cleaned up the mess and could reflect on it).

I'm not sure if I'm being over-indulgent because I feel so sorry for him, having a new sister and not knowing what to do. Or if I'm being an absolute dragon and need to be more gentle with him. All I know is that he is insecure and unhappy, and I don't know what to do, because the baby also deserves attention.

It's not always possible to hold him tight to stop the tantrum, like when I'm covered in poop or he's running away with my glasses... Please help!

siggy2
siggy2
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2008
Thu, 10-22-2009 - 11:56am

i dont feel i can give advice because i havent yet read any dicipline books and my LO is only 8 months but i wanted to tell you that im sure he knows that you love him even when he looks at you hurt because you asked him to go downstairs. he is probably just jealous of his new sibiling. my mom told me that once when she wasnt looking i stuffed a rattle in my 3 month old sister's mouth (we have 2 1/2 yrs. difference) and it got stuck. i think that it's normal for toddlers to feel left out when their mommy's attention is being shared with a new addition to the family.

courage! i hope someone else will be along soon to offer advise!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
Thu, 10-22-2009 - 1:07pm

(((hugs))) it's not easy. It sounds like you're doing a good job, but are getting frustrated easily. That's TOTALLY normal. Not only do you have a newborn in the house, but you're still dealing with your hormones going back into place. You will find that things get easier as you adjust to two babies. And your DS will not be permanently affected by this.

As for the naughty corner, maybe he's too young to benefit from it right now. It sounds like he doesn't exactly understand what it means. He's still at the age where distraction works well. Next time he grabs your glasses (or whatever you don't want him to have) get really excited about a toy near by. "Do you see that truck?! Wow, that's a cool truck! Can I play with it? Will you bring it to me?".

Good luck and remember you're doing a great job and you're a great mommy!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2008
Fri, 10-23-2009 - 3:39pm

((BIG HUGS))


You're doing fine. It's a lot to adjust to right now (for everyone) and your hormones are still settling down. Sometimes Dominic refuses to come out of time-out as well and it isn't because he doesn't understand, it's kind of his way of expressing that he's angry that I put him in time-out.


If it makes you feel better, there was one day Dominic and Samantha were both in the bathroom with me and Samantha was probably 9 months old. Out of the blue, Dominic walks over and hits her on the head, I immediately slapped his face. I just reacted and I felt AWFUL!!! He looked at me so shocked and sad and my heart just broke. I told him I was sorry and that I loved him but that it was not nice for him to hit his sister. I still feel bad for that although he doesn't even remember! It happens.


The thing with dealing with two little ones is that we can't spend the same time as we could with the first. Samantha had to wait more than Dominic ever did as an infant and there were times that Dominic had to wait while I was dealing with Samantha. Eventually though they are going to be great friends and then it will be so much easier!


Hang in there! You're doing good.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2007
Sun, 10-25-2009 - 3:02am

Thanks everyone. It does make me feel better knowing I'm not the only one who loses control sometimes.

I think I'm feeling bad about the whole situation because DS has suddenly become so independent (AP did promise he would!). He thinks nothing of spending all weekend with the IL's, including sleeping over. He's happy to see me, but he still wants to go back to them. And when we go to a kid's party or someone's house, he runs around having fun and never coming to me for hugs or reassurance or even food.

I have to remind myself that I'm not raising a son to stay home and cuddle and kiss me, but to be independent and confident and exploratory and friendly, etc. , but I do miss those kisses!

siggy2
siggy2
Community Leader
Registered: 04-18-2003
Tue, 10-27-2009 - 4:38pm

Bingo!

Gail

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Wed, 10-28-2009 - 11:45am

It sounds like you're doing really well over all. I remember when mine were both so little too. It's hard to make the adjustment for all of us (grownups & kids!)


Keep it up!



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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2005
Sun, 11-01-2009 - 10:21pm
My first born had the usual adjustment issues when my second daughter was born. Being a parent for almost 20 years, i can tell you kids will test their boundaries and work you when it benefits them at times. The focus has shifted from him and he's not sure what to make of all of this. I would make time (even if just a few minutes) to have one on one time with my first born. I



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