My Child is not Behaving. Please Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2008
My Child is not Behaving. Please Help!
3
Wed, 12-17-2008 - 4:18pm

Hi All,

First off as a new member I would like to say hi to everyone! I am really excited to join the community but I could use some help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 12-18-2008 - 8:52am

Hi Janey and welcome to the board.

I hope that you'll enjoy your stay with us. One of the first things I'd like to share with you is that you're courageous and must love your son very much to take this step! YAY You!

Have you ever heard of the Nurtured Heart Approach? There's an overview in the Toolbox folder below - in the weeks 1-4 threads. I think you'll find that these techniques will definitely make a difference in your home and the choices your son will make regarding his behaviors.

I do have a couple of questions for you:
Can you share three things you enjoy and love about your ds?
Please share three things your son has done well this morning or three rules he didn't break before he headed to school.
What kind of reaction takes place when your ds acts out? Do you energize, get loud or frustrated and the things tend to escalate?
What is happening when your son is making good choices? Is he being acknowledged for keeping the rules? Is he recognized for making good choices or that you value the traits and characteristics of a good citizen when he is being one at home, at school or in public places?

PS it was impossible to even look at the e-book you suggested due to a pop-up that can't be closed.

I look forward to reading your responses and hope to hear from you soon.

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2008
Thu, 12-18-2008 - 7:09pm

Hi Cl-Janx,

Thank you so much for the response! In regards to viewing the book I know its a pain but once you select your state there is a little button that appears in the box and says "Enter Site." Once you click that you can view the book.

Your answers are as follows:

-I enjoy walking with him, doing arts and crafts, and watching tv with him
-He got dressed without complaining, he ate all his breakfast and didnt hit me
- Yes, I yell when things escalate
-I always tell him and reward him for being good. i will take him out for a treat if hes good or I will let him stay up past his bedtime.

Thanks again for taking time to help me. I appreciate it!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 12-18-2008 - 7:52pm

Janey, sadly some of our kids become so addicted to negative energy that they will do anything to get their "fix." And as the kids push our buttons, we energize by yelling, getting angry and more as they act out. I'm going to ask you to turn off your "buttons" and the switch - and see what happens. Remain as neutral as possible when he breaks the rule. You can state something like, "oh, bummer! You broke the No .......... rule. You need to reset." Clean, simple and non-energized. The reset is just long enough for him to gain control or re-direct and refocus. If he does this successfully, get right in and let him know he's completed that reset well and how much you appreciate that he stopped and listened to what you had to say. Acknowledge as many good choices you noticed as you can -- for instance: he didn't hit, he didn't throw anything, he didn't swear, he didn't kick or knock anything off the table although he was really frustrated. These things should be pointed out to let him know that even though he was angry, he was and is making some good choices.

I know this can be hard to do - but it does work.

Also, while you're crafting or taking a walk and no rules are being broken, simply observe what you see him doing - verbalize it, but don't say anything that could be construed as a judgement of his being good or bad. Simply observe and restate what you see or hear as if you were sharing it with someone who might be sight impaired. It's important to let them see it's not a matter of if or when but that they are. They can.

Another thought: Don't make the treat only available if he's good. Celebrate his just "being" or for having an hour of unbroken rules.

The Nurtured Heart Approach not only empowers you as a parent, but empowers your child in recognizing their own greatness and self-worth. This is so important. Changing the dynamics and energizing when rules aren't being broken is clearly where the payoffs should be.

Hang in there. I hope you'll give this a try and I'll give that website another try in just a bit. :) Have a great evening!