Help!!! New at this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2011
Help!!! New at this!
4
Fri, 10-14-2011 - 9:22am

Hello!

I went to Lisa's Detroit conference and fell in love with this approach.

Avatar for janx7
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2001
Sat, 10-15-2011 - 11:09am
Hi Julie and welcome! I'm glad you're giving NH a go and Lisa shared the link to the board at her workshop.

Don't be too worried about those resets at this point. Make sure that the foundational piece of the recognitions are firmly in place first. That is the key. How do you feel those are going? Are you feeling comfortable sharing those with each of your kiddos now? Don't just focus on your intense child... ENERGIZE EVERYONE! They ALL need to KNOW their GREATNESS!

Now on to your list:
1) is the reset the only consequence - if the rule being broken doesn't require community service, yes. There are a few circumstances when a community service will need to be done... and you will need to determine that ahead of time (it shouldn't necessarily be punitive in nature either)

2) Resets can be nano-seconds in length. Just long enough to change direction. And Mom, you find that you may be resetting yourself more frequently than the child. Its okay. A breath, welcome back - let's go to the next activity and see more greatness! Resets aren't punitive in nature. It's a break in relationship and energy pure and simple -- then right back into time in, energy and connection and the action. Some folks do have an area for younger children to reset/time out in - like a step or chair. But it's only for a very short period of time. Just for 30 seconds or a minute at the most. Then the child is welcomed right back. They practice with the child at first so the child knows what it looks and feels like - it's just a break from the action - then right back into action and time in where they want to be. It's not a big deal. They don't mind taking the reset then, matter of fact, a lot of kids will put themselves into reset automatically and then ask to come back... LOL Don't worry about the pull and tug, don't go there. It's a simple Reset. Walk away. He/She is in a reset automatically. You're already there. If he's quiet for even a nano-second. Then welcome them back and congratulate the change in pattern! Do a recognition! Encourage them and go into an acitivity of greatness immediately. Energize!

3)I know it's hard to let that easy child go the wayside some times when all your focus is on the hard kid.... but do something that focuses in on the EASY child today. Let her/him know how much you appreciate their greatness. Recognize their energy and connection today.

4) Saying I need you to reset is fine. Then just walking away is fine too. You don't need to go into any other details. However, If this is a child that needs details for transitions, by all means fill them in as early as possible. If however, these are used as warnings or a means of taking things away because of bad behaviors, don't.

5) This could be used as a form of community service -- very effectively.

6) Most adults will wonder and will ask additional questions after the fact. Your child already knows what you're doing and likes how it makes him/her feel. I generally share a short statement, but don't go into a lot of detail or direction. I ask them if what I said made them feel good on the inside after the child has moved out of hearing... and if they said yes, then I explain a little more about the Approach to them about how it works. That usually gets their buy in quickly.

8) Only if it's done in a very positive and constructive way.

9) Our intense kids do have a difficult time keeping friends because their social skills are about a year behind or so. One thing we did was to role play and work out some scenarios and help our kids with interacting with friends. We took some actual things we had seen take place and re-enacted them, just switching places, letting our daughter be the "friend" and one of us be our daughter. Her eyes were opened when she "heard" her tone and voice to her friend in one instance -- and then we came up with some ideas on how she could resolve the problem in the future - which she did in the following days. Did it always happen that quickly? No, but as she matured, things did change and the role worked. There are also some social stories/books you can check out from the library that may be valuable resources to look at.

Julie, I hope your journey with NH is a great one. Please feel free to join us again. It's a fabulous one!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2011
Sat, 10-15-2011 - 11:53am

Thank you so much for all the time and energy you put into the responses.

Avatar for janx7
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2001
Sat, 10-15-2011 - 10:43pm
Oh, Julie! when you can "let go" the power, in essence will flow where it needs to go -- and there won't be that struggle. It's like the switch flips. It will come. Give it some time -- BTW, I love your statement, "I need to embrace the miracles and have hope...." BREATHE that in... and let that be your mantra for the next 48 hours. Look for the miracles, look for the greatness that exists. It's everywhere! It could be in a twinkle in an eye or even in a dimple in her cheek. It could be in the way she carries her plate to the sink after a meal because she didn't whine or complain.

Consider too -- sharing a celebration a day with your daughter. Rather than looking for the litany of stories of what went wrong at school, look for what went well. When she begins to see her relationships or moments in her day that are going well, maybe she can also begin to make more positive connections.

Hugs and more!

 

Avatar for janx7
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2001
Thu, 10-20-2011 - 8:15am
Hi Julie, what can we celebrate today?