Reset does not work

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2011
Reset does not work
5
Wed, 12-14-2011 - 12:24am
Hi, I am new to this. I got the book last week and started applying to my 7 year old. I am not sure I follow the consequence part.. For example, the rule is no talking after lights out, I gave him 30 credits for doing that. He, however, broke the rule right away and tried to negotiate with me, I told home to reset, he would be quiet for seconds and before I had time to sat reset is over, started acting out again.. This can go on for a while until I am furious. I know he is testing my limit with all his efforts, despite the obvious progress he has made during the day on following the rule and self control and etc. I don't know what to do when reset did not work to stop his bad behavior. Why would he, there is no consequence, just a "reset" which could not STOP him. The book advice parents not to use other form of consequences than reset. I have no clue what to do when the child is finding this reset itself is amusing and playing with you. I could not keep calm when it is 11 pm at night and he is still acting after numerous resets. Thanks for letting me vent!
Avatar for janx7
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2001
Wed, 12-14-2011 - 7:26am
Hi and welcome to the board. So glad you found us and felt you could post. First of all, don't be in a hurry to implement the consequence phase. I know, I know -- you're thinking WHAT???? it's ok -- to just slow down a bit and yes, he is toying with you and testing to see if the "new" boundaries are there to stay. Are they going to be clear where they may not have been before? If you reset or say time out without energy and are neutral and have no relationship - and there's no engagement with the rule breaking and you walk away and RESET yourself - ultimately he has to choose to reset, you can't make the choice for him and you know that don't you?

Time outs in NHA aren't meant to be punitive -- it's just meant to be a chance to change the movement in action to the next moment of success and create another moment in greatness.

A Suggestion: Make sure to get that foundational piece, the recognitions in place. They are absolutely CRUCIAL! Without them, the Approach will fail. They are essential for everything else to fall into place including the consequence phase to work successfully - and don't be in a real hurry to move into all of the recognitions - do you feel comfortable with the phrasing of each of them? How does your son react to them?

Another suggestion:
At our house one of the rules was if you chose to break the stay up after bedtime rule - you went to bed 15 minutes earlier the next night or there was another consequence of the parent's choosing, depending on the age of the child. Because we had a large family, actions of one affected a multitude of others - so the consequences in our family were discussed in a family meeting and decided by the family and the kids had lots of input and buy-in. This worked for us.

hope this helps and again, welcome to the board! Happy to have you here!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Thu, 12-15-2011 - 2:39pm

Hi there !

Valentine Bingo               

Avatar for janx7
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2001
Sun, 12-18-2011 - 6:45am
How are things progressing in the reset world? Are you seeing any successes?

 

Avatar for janx7
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2001
Tue, 01-03-2012 - 8:36am
Hi again and Happy New Year! Hope you're seeing some progress in recent weeks as you've been using the Approach techniques. Hope you'll drop by soon. We'd love to hear from you again.

 

Avatar for janx7
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2001
Mon, 02-06-2012 - 8:25am
Hi again... just thought I'd check in with you and see how things are progressing? What can we celebrate with you today?